Michael Myers, one of the original slasher icons- and today you're stuck on a deserted
island with the infamous butcher.
Could you survive?
I met him, fifteen years ago.
I was told there was nothing left.
No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or
death, good or evil, right or wrong.
I met this six-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes;
the devil's eyes.
I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked
up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply...
evil.
Those are the words of Dr. Samuel Loomis, a psychiatrist who attempted to heal the young
Michael Myers for eight years, until finally dedicating himself to ensuring that the psychopath
young child never see the light of day again.
He'd fail in that quest, and eventually end up one of Myer's victims.
Now that psychopath is fully grown and your brand new roomie on a deserted tropical island.
Good luck surviving.
First, you're going to have to prioritize survival needs.
Sure, you're on a deserted island with a restless psychopath on the loose, but you still need
to, you know, survive.
This means food, water, and shelter- but even before that, you're going to need some way
of getting around without Myers immediately taking you out of action.
It's time to get grimey.
Take a tip from Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first (and second-best) Predator and put on
some of nature's natural camouflage.
The good news here is that Myers isn't really supernatural- and yes we're ignoring the Halloween
4-6 timeline that gives him superman powers.
So while he's incredibly persistent, he's also very foolable.
You need to find yourself some dirt and rub that all over your body- ideally you'll find
mud which will cake on nicely.
Mostly, you really want to concentrate on hitting the areas that are bound to end up
shiny such as your cheeks, nose, forehead and chin, but covering all exposed skin is
a good idea too, and not just to stay hidden.
Deserted islands tend to not be all that deserted, and usually have a very thriving insect population.
Your worst enemy here is going to be mosquitoes, which can carry very dangerous diseases- everything
else is probably just going to be an inconvenience.
Giving yourself a healthy layer of dirt, or even better mud, is going to provide some
physical protection from insects actually being able to gnaw on your soft, shipwrecked
flesh.
If you've got different color materials to work with, even better- such as lighter and
darker colored soil or mud.
In that case you want to work to break up the natural outlines of your face- military
camouflage paint works by confusing the eye of an observer and breaking up the regular
features of a face.
Alternate between one color and the next, creating large streaks of color across your
face.
Ideally you'll want to create alternating streaks or blotches of color that both pass
through your major features: your nose, eyes, and mouth.
This will help break up the normally very recognizable shape of these features that
our social brains are trained to immediately pick out.
Now you're going to want to learn how to move like a true stealth pro.
First take a tip from our favorite cryptid, bigfoot, and try to avoid leaving footprints
if possible, prioritizing hard-packed dirt.
This won't always be possible no matter how hard you try, so use natural features to confound
Myers if he tries to track you down.
When crossing a stream, head up or down the stream before emerging on the other side.
If you come across a fallen log, use the opportunity to hop on top of it and move to the opposite
end, then travel in a different direction.
Each deception may only buy you a few minutes of confusion, but those minutes can really
add up.
Lastly, move only at night- remember, Myers is still human, which means his eyesight is
about as bad as yours in the dark.
But there's another reason to move only at night, and that's directly related to your
first survival need- dehydration.
Deserted islands may seem like little slices of heaven, but that's only because you've
never tried to survive on one.
With a blazing hot tropical sun overhead, you're going to very quickly become dehydrated
if you try to be too active during the daytime.
Instead, rest during the day and pick up again at night- with your first priority after camouflage
being to find water.
If you're lucky enough to have a running stream on your deserted island, then count your blessings.
Disease will still be a concern, but lighting a fire to boil water is a good way to invite
Myers to murder the crap out of you.
Instead, move upstream as far as you can go, and try to drink as close to the source as
possible, rather than far downstream where more debris and animal waste can fall in.
If there's no running water around, don't fret quite yet.
Most tropical islands are going to have coconuts, and coconuts are a castaway's best friend.
Chock full of nutrients and very sweet water, you're going to want to hunt these bad boys
down and stash them away.
Cracking open your coconuts though is going to be a risk, because you're going to be making
a lot of noise that'll attract Myer's attention- and while it may seem impossible to open a
coconut without tools, it's actually quite easy.
Simply grab the coconut so that the three holes where the coconut attaches to the tree
are pointed up, then turn it on its side and smash the side of the coconut against the
edge of a hard rock.
After giving it a good smash, turn the coconut to present a new side of it to the rock, and
smash it again.
Rinse and repeat around the entire circumference and eventually the coconut will crack open
right down the middle.
Just try not to waste any of that precious coconut water, because there isn't much of
it.
Coconut meat is extremely nutritious and will help stave off dehydration, but it has another
very important use.
Once you've eaten your fill, grab some of the coconut meat and squeeze it between your
fingers into a paste, then smear that paste on your exposed skin.
The coconut oils are an excellent sunscreen and can help keep you protected from the brutal
tropical sun.
Alright, we're trying to teach you practical survival skills here but the fact of the matter
is, none of these matter if Michael Myers stabs you to death- as he's likely going to
be very much wanting to do.
It's time to start fighting back.
Michael Myers isn't technically supernatural, but that doesn't mean he's an average joe
either.
It's well known that he's incredibly tough and resilient to damage, and this might actually
be because he suffers from congenital insensitivity to pain.
An extremely rare disease, only about 20 cases have been documented in the US.
Some people think that CIP makes it impossible to feel anything at all, and this is frankly
wrong- sufferers can still feel the difference between sharp and dull or hot and cold, they're
just unable to process pain signals that indicate the body is suffering some sort of harm.
Incredibly individuals who suffer from CIP can so frequently injure themselves that as
a child grows up they can have shortened, stubby fingers from damage to the hands, and
deformed lips from constant lip-biting behavior.
It's not proven that Myers suffers from CIP, but it would go a long way to explaining how
he can take grievous injuries and continue to kill largely unbothered.
Of course, it could just be that Michael's force of will is so strong that he literally
just ignores the pain and pushes right through it.
Along with incredible durability, Michael is also extremely strong- seemingly stronger
than a normal person should be given that we don't see Michael spending eight hours
in the gym every day and being super annoying on Instagram about his “fantastic cross-fit”
routine that you “totally have to try out”.
Rather than being an obnoxious gymbro, Michael might simply suffer from yet another genetic
disorder- myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy.
This is also a very rare condition that turns average people into Hulks, and honestly as
far as genetic disorders go, this one is basically like winning the lottery.
People with this condition barely need to work out to see some “sick gains, bro”,
because their bodies naturally have much lower body fat and greatly increased muscle mass-
up to twice the muscle mass of regular, wimpy old noodle-armed you.
But their muscles aren't just twice as plentiful as yours, they're also physically stronger.
We're honestly hard pressed to find downsides here.
MRMH though could explain Michael's ability to lift people up by their throat with just
one hand, or toss people around like rag dolls.
Either way, to survive Michael Myers, you're going to want to avoid going mano-a-mano with
him at all costs, because even if you're shredded like good cheddar cheese, Michael is just
biologically stronger than you.
So take a page out of every guerilla movement in history and fight a running war.
And we mean this literally.
Michael may be super tough, and super strong, but he's not terribly fast.
In fact, he's really quite slow.
That may be fine when he's trapping co-eds in the closet they very stupidly decided to
hide in, but not so good at taking on people in large open spaces.
So to survive Michael Myers, you're going to have to do the unthinkable- kill Michael
Myers.
Or at least seriously slow him down.
First things first, you need to arm yourself, and ideally with something that can give you
some serious reach.
You really don't want to give Myers any opportunity to put one of his giant mitts on you, so start
hunting for a long, sturdy stick.
Depending on the type of deserted island you've landed on, this might be harder than it seems-
a lot of tropical trees don't have the long, spindly limbs you're used to back home that
make for great sticks.
If you can't find a stick, you may be a bit boned- but persevere and you'll probably find
something suitable for the task.
There's hardly any beach in the world not covered with trash nowadays.
Once you've got your weapon, it's time to sharpen the tip.
That's right, you're making a spear, and you can use two rocks to slowly but surely sharpen
a tip to a decent point.
If you can't find rocks, try sea shells- they might actually work even better.
Once you've got your point, things are going to get messy, because now you need to drop
your trousers and squeeze out a fresh helping of bottom brownies.
We're pretty sure some of you already know where this is going, but for those lucky enough
to not have minds like ours, you're going to want to take your spear and dip it in your
hershey squirts, making sure to cover the entire tip of it with your ca-ca.
What you've just created is a biological weapon as old as time that's been used in wars around
the world.
Your goal is simple- land a few pokes in on Michael without letting him get his hands
on you.
Given that you're on open terrain, and not in a claustrophobic cabin somewhere, this
should be relatively easy- especially if you were able to secure a spear like we told you
to.
Just run like a madman past Michael Myers, lashing out with your spear.
Punctures aren't even necessary, even just a few scrapes will be enough to deliver toxic
poo into his bloodstream.
Michael may be extremely tough and strong, but sepsis doesn't care about your mad gains,
bro.
Your goal here is not to defeat Michael in a stand-up fight, but continuously sap his
strength away bit by bit.
You'll still have to avoid him for a day or two, but within 24 hours he's going to be
experiencing a serious fever.
From there, he'll only continue to weaken as his body tries to fight off the infection,
and being that he's not truly supernatural- remember, we're ignoring Halloweens 4-6's
timelines- without a serious dose of antibiotics your poop stick will accomplish what a dozen
Halloween movies failed to do and put Michael Myers down for good.
And once he's dead as an added bonus, you've also solved your hunger problem, haven't you?
Cannibalism.
We're talking about cannibalism- just make sure to cook the meat thoroughly to avoid
getting sick yourself.
Now go check out you versus Jason or click this other video instead!