OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT'S STILL SEARCHING FOR A NEW CHIEF OF
STAFF.
IT'S A BIG JOB.
LIKE ANY JOB WORKING FOR TRUMP, IT COMES WITH DENTAL, PAID SICK
LEAVE, AND FREE GOVERNMENT HOUSING FOR FIVE TO TEN YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY-- GOOD BEHAVIOR.
GOOD... BEHAVIOR.
YESTERDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT JOHN KELLY WILL
REMAIN IN THE JOB THROUGH AT LEAST JANUARY 2 TO ENSURE A VERY
PEACEFUL AND PRAGMATIC TRANSITION FOR HIS SUCCESSOR.
SO THEY FIRE KELLY, CAN'T FIND ANYBODY ELSE, MAKE HIM STAY TO
TRAIN HIS SUCCESSOR.
IT'S LIKE SAYING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND, "HEY, I'M BREAKING
UP WITH YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO STAY ON UNTIL AT
LEAST PROM TO ENSURE A PEACEFUL AND PRAGMATIC TRANSITION TO
BECKY OVER THERE."
SEE, TRUMP'S BEEN HAVING TROUBLE FINDING SOMEBODY WHO WANTS THE
GIG.
HE WAS TURNED DOWN BY HIS FIRST CHOICE, NICK AYERS, WHO CITED
THE NEEDS OF HIS FAMILY.
AND LAST NIGHT, HE GOT REJECTED BY FORMER G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE RICK SANTORUM, WHO, LIKE AYERS, SAID HE COULDN'T
TAKE THE JOB BECAUSE OF HIS FAMILY SITUATION.
IT'S LIKE A REVERSE "APPRENTICE."
EVEN MEATLOAF SAID, "I'D BE HONORED TO TAKE THE JOB, BUT IT
WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO MRS. LOAF AND THE THREE YOUNG MEATBALLS."
( LAUGHTER )
MMM.
I COULD GO FOR A-- >> Jon: A MEAT BALL.
>> Stephen: GO FOR A MEAT BALL RIGHT NOW.
BUT TRUMP SAYS HE'S FLOODED WITH RESUMES FOR THE CHIEF OF STAFF
JOB, BOASTING THAT HE'S CONSIDERING 10 TO 12 CONTENDERS
FOR THE CHIEF OF STAFF.
"10 TO 12."
SO... 11?
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEWHERE IN THE-- >> Jon: SOMEWHERE IN THE
MIDDLE, 11, I WOULD PRESUME.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A REASON THE JOB SEARCH HAS BEEN SO
DIFFICULT.
REPORTEDLY, ANY CANDIDATE WHO WANTS THE JOB HAS TO WIN THE
APPROVAL OF JARED KUSHNER AND IVANKA TRUMP.
SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO NEW CHIEF OF STAFF, MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SALMAN!
>> Stephe: IN AN INTERVIEW WITH "REUTERS," TRUMP DESCRIBED
EXACTLY WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR IN HIS NEW CHIEF OF STAFF:
"SOMEBODY THAT I CAN REALLY GET ALONG WITH WELL.
SOMEBODY WHOSE IDEAS ARE SIMILAR TO MY IDEAS.
SOMEBODY THAT WILL TAKE MY IDEAS AND GO WITH THEM."
SO HE'S REALLY LOOKING FOR HIS SOULMATE... HIM.
HE SHOULD TRY: "ME-HARMONY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER THAT--
THEY SEEM VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.
VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.
AFTER THAT, THE INTERVIEW GOT AFTER, THAT THE INTERVIEW GOT A
LITTLE WEIRD.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT.
"I HAVEN'T HEARD THIS, BUT I CAN ONLY TELL YOU THIS, HILLARY
CLINTON-- HER HUSBAND GOT MONEY, SHE GOT MONEY, SHE PAID MONEY.
WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY TALK ABOUT THAT?"
( LAUGHTER )
JUST SAID?
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT DOES--
>> Jon: LIKE A COMPLICATION, LIKE A QUESTION.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES ANY O THIS MEAN?
"I HAVEN'T HEARD THIS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS.
TRANSLATION: I FOUND A LIE IN MY BUTT.
LET'S YANK IT OUT AND SEE WHAT IT'S ATTACHED TO."
>> Jon: OOOOH.
OOOOH.
>> Stephen: AND THE LIE MAKES NO SENSE, EITHER.
"HILLARY CLINTON-- HER HUSBAND GOT MONEY, SHE GOT MONEY, SHE
PAID MONEY."
"BUSTED!
SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR FIRST-DEGREE
MONEY-GOTTING."
( LAUGHTER )
THE POSSIBILITY OF IMPEACHMENT, BUT TRUMP DOESN'T FEAR IT
SAYING, "IT'S HARD TO IMPEACH SOMEBODY WHO HASN'T DONE
ANYTHING WRONG AND WHO'S CREATED THE GREATEST ECONOMY IN THE
HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY.
I'M NOT CONCERNED, NO.
I THINK THAT THE PEOPLE WOULD REVOLT IF THAT HAPPENED."
YES, IT'S TRUE, THE PEOPLE WOULD TAKE TO THE STREETS, VANDALIZING
CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES, GRINNING WITH RAGE, BLOCKING TRAFFIC WITH
THEIR PROTEST DANCING.
IT WOULD BE ABSOLUTE PAN-DEMONIUM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪