THIS DAIS IS THE PERFECT METAPHOR
FOR WHERE AMERICA STANDS TODAY.
LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY.
BARELY MOVING, GASPING FOR AIR,
AND DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE.
VERY MUCH LIKE LARRY KING.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS,
WITH LARRY, WE HAVE A NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF GAS.
NEVER ENDS.
THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS
WAS BUILT ON ITS ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT,
AND THAT SPIRIT IS BEST DEMONSTRATED
BY NONE OTHER THAN MY FRIEND SNOOP DOGG.
[cheers and applause]
HIS IS A TALE
OF DO-RAGS TO RICHES.
IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.
HE'S VERY PROUD OF THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE SNOOP
SITTING UP HERE NEXT TO HIS FORMER RIVAL...
BIGGIE SMALLS, RIGHT HERE.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ONE OF THE WOMEN ON THE DAIS.
THIS AMAZING LADY STRUGGLES
WITH A SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE PHYSICAL HANDICAP.
I SPEAK, OF COURSE, OF WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
WHITNEY'S CAREER IS CRIPPLED BY HER FOUL MOUTH.
TO HEAR THAT FILTHY LANGUAGE
FROM SOMEONE SO MARGINALLY ATTRACTIVE
IS, FRANKLY, VERY UNPLEASANT.
LISA-- OR AS I CALL HER, MISS USDA--
I WANT YOU TO BE A JUDGE
AT MY NEXT MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.
[cheers and applause]
YOU'RE PERFECT.
BECAUSE LIKE THE UNIVERSE,
YOU'RE CONSTANTLY EXPANDING AND FILLED WITH DARK MATTER.
BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BROUGHT SHAME
UPON THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS.
BESIDES LISA.
I SPEAK OF THE ATROCITIES
THAT WE AS A NATION MUST ENDURE,
LIKE THE JERSEY SHORE.
A PIECE OF ADVICE, MY GREASY FRIEND.
YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT
ALL OF THAT PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR.
YOU JUST DON'T.
LOOK HOW GREAT MY HAIR LOOKS, AND I DON'T USE ANYTHING.
AND IT LOOKS VERY GOOD.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WET RACCOON
AND DONALD J. TRUMP'S HAIR?
A WET RACCOON DOESN'T HAVE
7 BILLION FUCKIN' DOLLARS IN THE BANK.
[cheers and applause]
VERY FUNNY. OKAY, VERY FUNNY.
AMERICA IS GOING THROUGH TOUGH TIMES,
AND WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH.
TRUE.
[cheers and applause]
I KNOW THAT BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD.
IF WE BELIEVE IN OURSELVES
AND THE WAY I BELIEVE IN MYSELF--
AND I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF--
THEN COME JUNE, IF I DECIDE TO RUN,
YOU'LL HAVE THE GREAT PLEASURE OF VOTING FOR THE MAN
THAT WILL EASILY GO DOWN AS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT
IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.
ME--DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
GOD BLESS AMERICA, AND GOOD NIGHT!
[Mississippi's Money]
GOOD NIGHT.