Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who is constantly denying your reality?
And by that I mean you make a reference to a huge fight that you had two days ago and
the person says, what are you talking about?
That didn't happen?
Hmm.
My name is Terri Cole.
I am a licensed psychotherapist a relationship expert and the founder of The Real Love Revolution.
And many of you have emailed me.
I mentioned what I'm talking about is gaslighting.
This is a form of manipulation that can happen in relationships.
So this entire video is going to be about gaslighting.
Are you crazy or is someone gaslighting you and trying to make you think you're crazy
so they can gain control over you.
So I had done an interview with my friend Elizabeth DiAlto on a podcast, which I'll
give you the link to cause it's actually really great.
And we talked, I talk about this.
And so many people have written into me saying, please do a full video on gaslighting because
I want to understand it more more intimately because it's really hard to put your finger
on.
If you're not a person who is manipulating other people all the time, you start doubting
yourself instead of being able to clearly see what's happening.
So I want to start with just the definition of gaslighting.
Like what actually is it?
So this is a form of manipulation that's, that seeks to sow the seeds right of doubt
in a targeted individual.
So it could be you.
So it's, it's a form of manipulation that has you question your own memory, your own
perception and your own sanity.
So the way the other person does it is using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction
and lying.
mmm
This attempt is to destabilize you, right?
So that you're they're de-legitimizing your beliefs and gaining control over you.
There's all different kinds of examples which I'll be giving you.
But I want you to actually just see the signs and symptoms and then I'll go through the
stages, right?
So how do you know this is going to be a list?
And don't worry, you'll be able to actually download this because I want you to be able
to figure it out in your own life.
If you find yourself withholding information from friends and families, so you don't have
to make excuses for what's going on in your life, that is one indication that something
is going on that isn't good, right?
If you feel as though you can't do anything right because you're always being criticized
by your partner, if you wonder if you are a good enough girlfriend, employee, wife,
mother, this is another indication.
If you feel hopeless, if you feel joyless, right?
Your, your life does not feel joyful anymore.
That's another indication that someone is gaslighting and it's sucking the joy out of
your life.
If you think about where you are right now in your life and you feel like you don't even
know how you got to where you are, that you used to be a happy, fun, loving person, more
relaxed, enjoying your life, but you're not.
Now that's an indication.
If you're constantly second guessing yourself, this is an indication.
If you often feel confused or even crazy at work, because a lot of times you'll have a
boss who is a gaslighter as well.
But if it's happening at home, you feel like you're crazy.
Like you're misremembering everything.
If you're constantly either being told that you're too sensitive or questioning that you're
too sensitive, like a million times a day, that's a problem.
You can't understand why there's so many apparently good things in your life.
You're not happy that you don't feel happy.
Do you find yourself always apologizing?
It could be to your mother, to your father, boyfriend, girlfriend's boss, if you're always
saying you're sorry.
Again, this is like when you're, when you're destabilized and you, you don't trust what
you think happened.
So you always think that you're doing something wrong.
If you're frequently making excuses for your partner's behavior to your friends and to
your family let me see.
Oh, you start, you start lying to avoid put downs and reality twists, right?
You start lying to your partner because about what you didn't, didn't do because they're
always making you wrong.
They're always putting you down no matter what you did.
Oh, so you didn't do that this for another time, you didn't try to do it again, you might
say, yes, I did try to do it again.
It didn't work.
Just to avoid the wrath of that criticism from that person.
If you have trouble making decisions, this can also be a part of somebody's scratching
away at your reality, at your sense of self.
So those are a bunch of signs and symbols that you can look for in your own life if
someone may be gaslighting you.
But let's talk about the phases of someone gaslighting you, because in the beginning,
if you're a relatively normal person, it comes as sort of a shock.
There's something shocking about someone gaslighting you.
So I have a couple of examples of that as well.
But the first stage of you being gas lit is disbelief,
Right?
You, you, you think no, that, that can be happening, right?
This is like, this just is like this is just like an anomaly to, to how we actually interact,
right?
This is just, this is not the norm.
You think during the first stage.
It's odd to you, but you don't, you don't recognize it as a pattern yet.
So there is a sense of disbelief basically of that happening.
The next stage is feeling defensive and wanting to defend yourself from the person who's gaslighting
you from their manipulation you like.
So think about it, right?
If you have a friend and they borrowed something from you and you say, you know, I'm really
unhappy that you didn't return that thing, they will say, well, I don't know why you
bought that kind, anyway, that's, that's not even the good kind you bought the crappy kind
instead of the good kind.
Do you know what I mean?
So, so this is, or like with a boss, if you, if you complain to your boss and say, I'm
really unhappy with the assignments that you've been giving me lately, if you feel like you're
being, you know, wrongly passed over for like the good stuff and you ask them why it's happening
instead of addressing the issue, what they'll do is they'll tell you that you're way too
sensitive and that you're way too stressed.
And that maybe you are sensitive and maybe you are stressed, but that doesn't answer
the question of why you're being passed over.
And so it's this it's this distraction technique that they'll do to get you off guard and to
avoid answering your question.
So be aware of that.
If you find yourself always defending yourself, whether it's at work or whether it's at home,
this redirect that they will do for you suddenly puts you on the receiving end of like you
did something wrong.
So it's a very high level manipulation from the person who's gaslighting you.
So you then you suddenly you're in the position of defending yourself.
Like you go in to make a complaint and now suddenly you're defending yourself.
Like, what the hell?
Like how did that happen?
But be aware that if you start being really defensive that something is going on and during
this stage you're, you're driven crazy by the conversation because you have no idea
how it started out as you wanting to like draw a boundary and tell the person how you
felt.
And in the end you, you, it's like this endless loop of you defending yourself and being like
denying what they're saying because what they're saying actually isn't true.
And then the third stage of this di, this I'm gaslighting is depression.
So by the time you get to this stage, right, you're really experiencing like a noticeable
lack of enjoying your life, right?
A lack of joy.
It's almost like you can hardly recognize yourself anymore, even if you're going through
the motions.
And so the outside world may not even know that you're experiencing this, but you know
that you're experiencing this because inside you feel terrible.
You really, really feel like cut off from your friends.
In fact, you don't talk to people about the fact that this is happening because it makes,
you feel like you're crazy and you're afraid you're going to sound crazy, right?
So people may express concern to you that you know you don't seem the same, right?
And they treat you like you really do have a problem, sort of.
So you don't want to tell people, here's the thing, if, if you're nodding, if this is your
situation, I want you to take, you know, don't, don't give up, right?
And fear not because I have ideas for you about how to change this.
But the first thing is to understand that it's happening.
And I'm so sorry if you're in that position because it really, really sucks and it's really
painful, but you have to stop doing it one at a time.
So you have to, in the next part of this video, I'm going to help you figure out what is your
50% and how you can start to draw boundaries in your relationship around gaslighting.
The first thing that you need to do for yourself is really develop this unwavering belief in
your own intuition, right?
And it's hard if someone has been basically telling you, your intuition is wrong for a
long time.
This will be challenging, but you can do it.
So how do you do that?
Get dialed into your body wisdom.
Start meditating once a day so that you have some stillness and silence inside, right?
Breathing deeply and ask yourself when someone is telling you something that you know isn't
true, dial into that truth in your body and step back, right?
You have to know that your intuition is good.
You may have been brainwashed by being in a relationship with someone who's gaslighting
you, but that doesn't have to continue and you don't have to let it continue.
And I want you to not, so take a deep breath and start trusting your own intuition because
your gut is good and it'll take a while to get back to feeling that way.
But you can absolutely get back to trusting yourself.
And you have to also understand that when you're in a situation with someone who's gaslighting
you, you're never going to win.
You're not going to be able to convince them of your side, right?
The only way to win is to get out with your brain attached, right?
Move on with your own life.
Allow yourself to escape this situation with your sanity intact.
So if this person is really a gas lighter, they're probably narcissistic.
There's all these other things that are going on in your relationship.
And I really think that this is a big indication that they probably won't change and that you
have to not try to change them.
It's all about changing you to a healthier way of being.
And if they're not going to change, you really have to consider that this relationship might
be too toxic for you to stay in and don't worry.
I'll do another video and I've done other videos of how to leave an abusive situation
because if someone is gaslighting you, this is emotional abuse.
This is not normal.
It is not healthy and really you need to get out of it.
You lose perspective on the whole entire situation because it's, it's not about you, it's about
them controlling you.
They see you as an object or as a possession and you're not.
You're a human being.
And the third thing I want you to look at is that you have to really understand that
mental manipulation and distortions.
Again, it's not about you, right?
This is about them, so it has nothing to do with you.
It's all about their need, right to control you.
It's all about their need to win.
It's all about how insecure they really are.
And so it's like a psychological warfare to keep you in this weakened state because somewhere
down deep, they know that if you were in a stronger state, you would leave them.
So I am going, please download the cheat sheet so that you can really understand and see
if you're in a situation, if you're being gas lit, and then take these suggestions of
how to get yourself into a much healthier place because you do not deserve this crap.
So if you found this helpful, please share it on social media, women out there.
If you are not in my group, please join.
Just go to terricole.com/rlr . It's a free group.
I do a free monthly live stream where I take your cues.
So if you want to talk more about gaslighting, please be on that live stream.
You got to get into the Facebook group first.
This is kind of heavy stuff, you guys, I hope that you found this helpful and I hope that
you have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.