There's nothing more important than our family relationships and our bonds that we share
together. But sometimes, we're not as calm as we would like to be. So, I'm Nicholeen
Peck, I'm a parenting expert. I actually share principles about calmness and creating united
families all over the world. I've even spoken at the United Nations and different congresses
dedicated to families. In this video, we're going to talk about how to be a more calm
parent. And I'll share some of those principles that people all over the world have been learning
for years. Everything about self-government revolves around a person's desire and ability
to be calm. And not everybody knows how to get themselves from a place of not being calm
to being calm. I have to learn that from myself when I was a foster parent of troubled teens.
And that's what I'm going to share with you today. 6 steps for how you can start your
road to calmness. Step number 1, be honest with yourself. Expose your lies and your excuses.
It's those lies and that excuses that you keep telling yourself that are leaving you
to that behavior that you don't like. That behavior that's more aggressive and more pouty
and more whiny, more reclusive, whatever you do when you're not being calm. So, what are
the lies that you buy into? Think of them. What kinds of ideas are popping into your
head like "I can't do this? They always do this to me. They don't care. I'm not getting
anywhere. What are some of those lies that you say to yourself?" Also, what are some
of the excuses? The excuses are some of the things like, "Well, if I don't do this, I
won't get their attention. This is the only way to make them do what they need to do."
Those are the types of things that we tell ourselves when we engage in bad behavior.
And they are lies. There are always calm ways, principled ways, and firm ways that we can
communicate with other people that we can help them make the changes. And so, we need
to focus on those things, those truths that are going to solve our problems more effectively.
Once you've exposed the lies, step number 2 is make a commitment, a firm commitment.
Tell yourself, "I'm not going to get angry anymore." I know, it could still happen. Just
making a statement doesn't make you perfect because you do have it that you need to overcome.
But making that commitment is you telling yourself change is occurring and it's okay.
People that will say things out loud to themselves or write things down as commitments for themselves
are much more likely to follow through that commitment than people who did not make such
a firm commitment, to begin with. If it's just something you've hope for, if it's just
something you're going to try then you're probably going to fail a lot more than if
you decide, "No, this is the new me." So, what is your habit? Do you cry? Do you call
somebody to complain? Do you get angry? what does your lack of calmness look like? We all
have our own version of what it means to not be calm. This is the habit that we've created.
If you understand how your brain works, you know that you wear pathways in your brain.
There are synapses that connect different parts of the brain and we can use those synapses
time and time again. Almost like creating a well-warned path in the brain. It's an automatic
response that we create for ourselves. So, how do you get rid of the habit? How do you
get rid of that automatic response? You replace the habit with a skill. So, that's step number
3. You need to replace your bad habits with a new skill. So, what type of skills do you
need? You need skills that will lead you to good communication and calmness. Skills that
are going to be predictable. Skills that you don't have to get creative about in a minute.
As soon as you feel like you have to create new words to say, every time something happens,
you will fall back to that habit every time. So, what are your skills? I have skills like
pre-teaching, correcting negative behaviors in calm ways, doing intensive teaching interactions
with my children when they're completely out of control. There are certain skillsets that
can help you know what to say, when to say, and how to lead them without having to lose
your cool. Step number 4 is to have a stopping point. You need to analyze yourself. The next
time you are not calm, the next time you get angry, take a good look at what you did. Did
your fist clench up? Did your teeth tighten? Did you think something that you always think
every time? What happened to you? These are your triggers. There are triggers for bad
behavior but they can also be triggers for good behavior. So, when you feel those fist
clench up next time, then go, "Oh, that's my trigger. I'm almost going to lose control."
No, I need to choose my skill instead of that old habit. So, then you refer your brain and
your body to skill and to calmness. Step number 5. Know what your version of calmness feels
like. What do you feel like when you're calm? What is your body language feel like? What
is your face feel like? What are your eyes do? What is your voice tone? You need to know
those things ahead of time so that you can recognize when you truly are calm and when
you're not. And you know what? If you are not calm, then have a calm place. Have a place
that you got to, to get that feeling of calm. Maybe it's a rocking chair. Maybe you sit
on the front porch for a minute. Just tell the children, "You know what? Mom is going
to go and get calm for a second and then we're going to talk about this." Have your place
to go and get calm. Get to that feeling and then refer back to the skill. What skill are
you going to use? Refer back to that and go use those words exactly so you don't accidentally
go back into that old habit that for sure don't want to be using. The most important
step is step number 6 to me. Because this is the step where I connect to the person.
I think a lot of people think of calmness as being passive. Or maybe being passive-aggressive
where you're like, "I'm calm." But you can feel that the person is not really calm. You
can feel their heart is not okay. Truly calm people are taking an action. They're actively
choosing to deliberately attach to other people, see the potential in other people, see the
hearts of other people, and to share their calmness as a guiding star for that other
person that is having a hard time with their lack of calmness at that moment. So, I focus
on the hearts. This is step number 6. Focus on the heart and the potential of that person
that you are talking to. When I'm talking to them and I'm using my skills, I'm looking
into their eyes and I'm thinking, "I love you. I love you. You can do this. Be calm.
Be calm." I may not say that loud but I think it and I send it from my heart to their heart.
And they feel it. It's hard to fight against love. It's hard to be angry when somebody
is showing you that they love you. When you're being calm, really calm. You should be able
to love that person. Even if they're not. These 6 steps are just the beginning of a
calmness journey. I have so much more I'd love to share with you if we had all the time.
So, you know what? I'm going to give you a gift. It's completely free. It's called the
Calm Parenting Toolkit. And it's... There's a link to it in the description of this video
below. So, go and click on the link for the Parenting Toolkit and just start today. And
see if the additional information in there will help you improve your calmness. It will
talk about some of the skills that I've been mentioning that I don't have time to cover
in this video. Calm parents truly can capture the hearts of their children even in the hardest
moments. It is a power to be calm. It is the power of calmness. Go to Calm Parenting Toolkit.
Get it. Get the help that you need so that you can have the changes that you desire.