my biggest fear about going and getting
help was there they were gonna take my
baby away from me and actually when I
got the right help that was the last
thing that they would have done and and
they said to me you know that would be
absolute last result we would do
everything we could to help you and your
baby be together because that's what you
that is what you want that's what you
you need and your baby needs you and you
know you might not feel very present at
the moment but you know just go through
the motions do those things that you're
seeing other mums do because you'll have
the memory you'll always have that
memory and that was what someone always
I remember someone saying that to me and
that'll always stick with me is that I
do actually have some positive memories
from when she was tidy just because I
just went through the motions and you
know in the media this person yeah it
makes you not want to share your
thoughts but I I think in hindsight and
my psychiatrist it's amazing because I
from the beginning I was so honest with
her what what I was thinking and yet she
never batted an eyelid yeah you know and
now that she said I'm not I'm not
concerned about this this is part of
your this is part and parcel of what
you're going through
yeah that's such a good thing to hear it
didn't even know how to tell anyone and
I was seeing a perinatal psychiatrist
because it was being monitored because I
have bipolar disorder I want to set it
to her I said you know and I tried to
play it down because I thought she's god
I think I've gone crazy again and she
said no that's that's really normal
disturb them she's maybe a few months
old so didn't happen straight away no
well it was growing but there was so
much going on you're not kind of
overwhelming yeah mine and mine came on
really suddenly as well really and had a
really lovely pregnancy really really
enjoyed it and I just I couldn't wait
for my son to be born and and yeah I had
a good had a good birth well it was good
as it can be and then I was I was fine
for about four and a half weeks you know
breastfeeding I thought I've nailed this
and then I wake up literally went to bed
and I woke up the next day and I thought
you'd been contaminated of asbestos
particular reason actually just a bit of
plastered fallen down from my ceiling
from then on like my forswear mind had
been contaminated and I hadn't protected
him yeah every night overnight and I've
had problems of anxiety in my life but
I've never had intervention from the
mental health team or you know it's just
something that's part of my character at
a doctor's appointment and I said I want
some sleeping tablets I'm not sleeping
you know I can't cope with this and then
from there they could see that wasn't
quite right so yeah I I
I got help really really quickly so I
was quite lucky in that I don't think
that if I made enough noise and shouted
and screamed and and got really crazy
about how poorly I actually was I would
have got the help that I needed
I've told my health visitor I told my
midwife who came a few days after that
was I mean these you know I said I'm
having a few peculiar thoughts and she
said oh it's the baby blues you know and
I was like this is not the baby blues
and then it got to a point where I just
I literally couldn't cope anymore so I I
went to the GP and I took my mama out of
really supportive family and she said oh
yeah it does sound like you've got
postnatal depression because of the
medication they put me on I had to stop
breastfeeding and overnight really and
there in a way my anxiety sort of turned
into a spiral so whilst I wasn't
depressed depressed in the beginning I
think I became so upset by what by hi my
kind of experience the motherhood was
turning right yeah you know it's not the
dream no I thought I began to go being a
really isolated from other mums and
although I've I'm really open about what
happened you know being my mum's that
were coping internally what's wrong with
me what's wrong with me which I do think
helped on the depression side of things
and then yeah and are getting really
pretty depressed about it all really but
I went to postnatal sort of support
great for my daughter was about four
months old I met a group of friends
there who you know I'm still quite close
to yeah but it was so useful because it
it wasn't sort of like antenatal classes
where you're preparing for this
man it was it was a bite talking through
your experiences of becoming them yeah
and it was about adjustment here and I
find that you know there's a bunch of
women there who you will all had these
from the outside have these great lives
perfect lives everything fine but then
when we all started talking we were all
experiencing really other things maybe
not to the same degree yeah it was a lot
of tight there there's a lot of
adjustment to having to being seen in
society as a mother with postnatal
depression something I was always told
was you'll always get better from it is
it's one of the mental health illnesses
that you will get better from with the
right help in and these mums that kind
of act on impulse because it's so real
for them and then they they take that
step and they'll never know how amazing
it is to actually be a mother and and to
feel the love in that so sad I just
remember what you know when I was really
really old just thinking my brain it's
broken like I was struggling to talk I
couldn't even really have conversations
I couldn't make a cup of tea it was you
know no just I I could I love my husband
and I love my son by just what I can't
go on like this and so I never would
have thought I'd get to the place where
I am now like so happy just so happy in
my life and yeah yeah this point it
really upsetting that if people aren't
helped yeah what can happen
you