You already know about the power of positive parenting. What about with your
teenager? The power of positive parenting with teens. Vicki, I think we've both
heard this from parents that we've worked with. When they're teenager is a
little out of control or giving them some challenges. And they're like, "This is
not my kid." -Right. It's like, "No. My child wouldn't react that way." -And you're right.
It's not your child. It's your teenager. They're different
creatures. -It's a new day. -Teenagers are very sensitive to control.
And that's one reason that our model focuses on control and maturity. And the
interplay between those 2. If you're not sure what we're talking about there,
go to the video on this channel called the Teaching Kids Responsibility. And we
give an overview of it. Or you can get it in the Parenting Power-Up which you can
link to in the description. We've also done another video about teenagers with
specific strategies from positive parenting. You can link to it right up
there. Teens go through a very similar developmental task that toddlers do.
In fact, think about a two-year-old for a minute. I want to do
it myself. -Yeah. This autonomy. -Yeah. I want to have control over my own life. And yet,
they are so vulnerable and they still need you so much. Teenagers are in the
same boat. -Yeah. But they don't want to see that. They need you. They want to see
that they're completely independent. And they'll even say that. "I don't need you.
I'm independent." -Now, behind that facade, they know that they still need you. -Right.
-This is to our advantage. So, we get to stay calm.
Remember what we've talked about in other videos. Calm voice, calm face, calm
body. That's all part of the positive parenting approach. And this is
particularly important with teenagers. Because of the sensitivity that they
have to those control issues. -There are control issues. They want to have more
control. And actually, we want them to have more control. Remember, the whole
idea is for us to get them to that point from cooperation into taking in the
initiative and having more control of their life. And we want to get to the
point where we're on a more consultant basis with them. -So, the roles are
transition. -The roles are kind of flip flopping. And you know, I think one of the
part parts is it's kind of scary for us. It's a little scary for us as a parent
to get off some of that control. And realize that you know, they're going to
have to make these decisions. With that, comes kind of this need or this
knee-jerk reaction to protect our child from any failure. And we've... You know,
we've been addressing this all along. But it feels so much bigger when they're
teens. -It does. Because the cost went up. -Yep. The cost went up. When they're little,
the cost... And there's a cost to all your decisions and your mistakes. It went...
It got bigger when they're teen. -Price tag goes up everyday. -It does. So, it's
really tricky. As a parent of a teenager, you're like, "Oh, I don't know if
I dare let him make this mistake. This could really affect their future." -Pause
for a moment. Let them? Really? Like you have that kind of power. Honestly, I had a
mom say that to me in my office. "Well, I might just supposed to let him fail?" What
do you mean let him? -Yeah. -Like it's up to you?
See, if it were up to you as a parent, you get all controlling, you'd get all
micromanaging and you'd make sure that he doesn't fail. Right? I think
what I love about your suggestion here Vicki is that backing off from that
control just enough to acknowledge their autonomy, acknowledge their control over
their own life. And detach ourselves from the outcome enough that we can see, "You
know what? It would probably be a great learning experience for my teenager to
fail in this whatever it is." -Right. Because the price tag I guarantee it's
going to go up as an adult for that same type of failure. -Exactly. When do you want
him to learn it? Because later is more expensive. Earlier it's not an option.
Now is good. And this changes your position as a parent too. Because you
come back off you can smile a little bit. Which leads to the next point that I think is
so important. This is a time of life when teenagers are learning the direct
correlation between their behavior and their outcomes.
It's a cause-and-effect thing. Now, they already know it but they don't know it
fully. Because you have been... Shall we say buffering or softening some of the
consequences all this time. They live in this beautiful home that they can't
afford. -They have clothes they can't afford. They have good food. They probably
wouldn't be able eat that well. -They have more than they deserve. Okay? Now... And
that's okay. It's just because you're a benevolent, generous, loving parent. Look
at all of this abundance that you're willing to share with your kids even
though they can't afford it. Well that's really cool. But we've got a transition
coming up because as they move out into the real world, guess what? They don't get
all of that stuff for free. So, this is the time when they hook it up. And it
becomes really distracting to them if their parent is out of control. If you're
yelling and screaming, check out the psychology here. Okay, I'm a teenager,
right? And my life is experiencing a little pinch because of some choices
that I made I'm getting consequences, alright? But I don't know that yet. I
haven't made that connection. "I'm feeling a pinch.
I wonder what's causing my life to be miserable right now?" And I look around.
-And there's mom or dad. Out of control, angry, yelling. -Okay. Whoa!
That's why. Because I live with crazy people. Who are control freaks, right? I
mean, that's where their mind goes. Now, what if they're
feeling the pinch and it's like, "Oh, I'm feeling a pinch. My life's not as happy
as I want it to be right now and I look around it mom's cool and dad's cool. And
wait a minute.." -"Could it be me?" "Could it possibly be..." See,
we want him to make that. Connection at some point. And so this is why it's so
important to be in a mode of positive parenting
where you get to have a calm voice, calm face, calm body you got a little smile on
your face. You know that your job is to love them when? -No matter what and even
if. -Yeah. That doesn't change this because they became a crazy teenager. That's
still your job. And coming from that position, you helped to remove one of the
primary distractions the teenagers feel as they're trying to hook up cause and
effect for their own life. You are still the parent. Even when they're teenager
and as Vicki and I are learning now even when they are.. -Grown-ups. -Adults. You still
get to be the parent. And to have authority as a parent, 2 things are
important to have in place. You need to be seen as a provider of good times and
good things and still be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. The way you
do that with the teenager is a little different than the way you do that with
a younger child. Because of their size, their stature that they're bigger people
now. So, we have to focus on what we can control. Vicki, you had a thought about
the good times and good things that I thought was important. -So, I recently read
a quote and it went something like this that, "Be sure to listen anytime your
child wants to tell you the little things. Because if you don't listen when
they're you tell you the little things. they're not going to tell you the big
things because to them they were big things all along.
They're all big tthings. They''re all big things. You know, children especially the teenage
years are a little bit histrionic. -Well you're gonna have to tell me what that
word means. -Just everything is a little bit too far to the right. I don't
remember writing... I maybe was 13 I had a crush on some boy and I remember writing
that... For me it was love and I wrote in my journal. I'm going tO remember this cuz
everybody just tells me it's puppy love and they're just discounting me but I'm
going to remember that. To me, it was real. You know and it really that's kind of
how it is with these kids. When they're teenagers,
everything is so important. And so big and so huge and kind of self first and
it's really important to keep listening to them even though you're thinking you
know, "He's going to be on a whole new thing next."
You know, which is very possible. But let's give them... Make sure that we're
listening to them on all of the things that may seem little to us because to
them everything is big. -Thank you for being the conscious positive parents
that you are. I love this community that's gathering here on YouTube. There's
other places where we're gathering. If you have not yet checked out the
Parenting Power-Up, would you take a moment to do that right now.
Go check it out. We'll see you on the inside.