Hey everybody! I have a very special guest
and someone that I've had on before.
Ashley Mardell is here with us and I invited her to share her story about depression.
If you haven't checked out her videos about it
I will link them below in the description at the end of the video
because I really love the way she talks about it and and I know
I've heard from many of you that you have a lot of concerns about depression.
So, here we go!
[piano music]
So Ashley my first question for you is
how did you even know you were depressed?
I know that sounds kind of weird
but I remember in your videos that you were saying
you dind't even want to use that word.
And I've heard from a ton of my viewers that they don't even know
if they should use it
'cause they're not "sick enough" or don't feel "bad enough".
So tell us how you knew you were depressed.
There are a couple of very telling signs
that help me identify when I'm having
an episode of depression.
First: I find joy in nothing. Not a pretty day,
not being in good company with friends I love,
not any kind of success I have.
And if I do encounter any of these things
I just see them through a
jaded, unappreciative filter.
When I'm depressed, I see good things
as fleeting, unimportant or stupid.
Nothing can impress me, nothing can comfort me
nothings can make me feel good.
And the second sign that tells me
I'm having an episode of depression is:
I don't feel like myself.
It quite literally feels
like I have a diferrent brain.
As if I've morphed into a different person
with a different way of thinking
and different ways of viewing the world
and I'm totally unfamiliar
with this new person I've become.
When I first enter into
an episode of depression
I find myself repeatedly thinking
things like "Who am I?",
"This isn't me, what's happening?"
Then only a couple of weeks after
starting SSRIs my brain chemistry becomes more balanced
and I recognize myself again.
The way I think feels like me.
I'm not constantly questioning "Who have I become?"
"What have I changed into, I don't know this person."
It's not how I was a few weeks ago.
Basically I know I'm depressed
when nothings's good
and I'm not myself.
That's how I know.
And you are super creative
I'm always extremely jealous in your videos
because you have all your little
cardbord cutouts and I wish I had
just like the smallest amount of that.
But tell us a little bit about how
creativity and art helped you in your depression
and kind of helped you
heal a little bit.
Art and creativity are helpful
because they give me purpose
during my depression
a time when I really feel
as if I lack purpose.
When I'm depressed
I frequently ask myself things like
"What's the point, who even cares about me...?" etc.
Making videos and putting my art
out online was one of the only things
that could help me answer those questions
in a positive way.
I remind myself my art
helps and inspires many people
and that certainly makes me valuable
and gives me purpose.
Art also gave me some thing
to feel passionately about
during a time when I otherwise
felt pretty numb.
And that purpose and that passion
really helped pull me
out of my depression.
And lastly, how did you know
that you needed to get back into therapy?
I know that you talked a lot about
how therapy helped you
and then you took a break
and then you moved back.
Can you tell us a little about your process?
Okay, I'm gonna take a risk
and be really honest with this one.
So the last question
that Kati wants me to answer is
when I know that it's time
to go back to therapy.
Um, but truthfully
I am totally still figuring out
the answer to this question.
Because what I typically do
is, I put therapy off
[laughing]
as a last ditch effort
in order to figure out my issues
and recover from my depression or anxiety.
I basically put therapy off
as long as I can.
And I don't know why.
'Cause it's always helpful
and I never regret going.
It can just be really intimidating.
And the fact that you're going to therapy
can sometimes feel like it's
legitimizing your problems
and that's scary.
Also it can be expensive.
There are a plethora of reasons
that can make going to therapy
intimidating or nervewracking
and I usually find and think about
all of those things and put it off
until I can't put it off anymore
and then I go
and I'm always so happy I went
and I recover so much faster and
it's like this burden is like lifted from me.
So I don't know why I do
the cyclical thing I do
where I put off therapy
then go to therapy finally
and love the fact that I went to therapy
and find it incredibly helpful.
That's what I do.
But right now I'm really excited
because I'm at this point in my life
that I've never been before
where I'm feeling kind of mentally off-balance
but literally I emailed my therapist
last night and I was like
"Hey Jamie, maybe we can get together
and have a couple sessions"
And that's exciting because it's like
one of the first times
that I've reached out to my therapist
before I've like hit rock bottom.
And so like, that's a good thing.
So I don't know
I don't know when the right time
to reach out to your therapist is
or to go to therapy is.
A lot of people just go to therapy consistently
even if they don't have
any really big issues
or any really big problems.
They just see their therapist every week
because it keeps them healthy
and I also think
that's an awesome thing to do.
Going to therapy is definitely helpful for me though
because I feel like
I'm not dealing with
all my mental problems alone.
And I just have faith
that I'm not going to overwhelm
or scare my therapist away
with all my issues.
And sometimes that's how I feel
about my friends or
the significant people
I love in my life.
I'm worried that I'm gonna like
complain or vent
or be so vurnerable that it just becomes
overwhelming and they're like
"This is to much I have to leave!"
But I just know
that that's not gonna happen
from my therapist.
My therapist is not gonna do that,
my therapist is trained
to listen to my problems,
hear my problems
and help me sort out my issues
so that's an anxiety don't have to have
that I'm gonna be vulnerable with this person,
really open up to this person
and then they're gonna get overwhelmed and
like be scared away and leave.
So I guess that's helpful,
you have a person who's gonna
go through all of your issues with you
and they're not gonna run away.
'Cause it's their job
and that's what they love to do,
that's what they're passionate about.
Um...
So yeah, it helps me feel like
I'm not alone
I don't have to worry about scaring them away.
It's this huge weight off my chest
of just being honest and being like...
just admitting that I have these problems
is taken from me.
And I mean they're an objective third party
who's trained and helping people
sort things out.
It's just it's really good.
Thank you so much
for sharing your experience.
It's so powerful to hear
other people talk about
how they felt, what helped them
and what helps them get through it now.
Because I hear from a lot of my viewers
that they're afraid to go to therapy
or wonder if they're sick enough
and i just can't thank you enough
for sharing all of your wonderful, positive
content online.
And until next time, Bye!
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