We were deciding if this shirt is gray or blue or wildflower.
-It's blue. -Blue. -Blue, you think? -Blue, yeah.
What do you-- What'd you say?
I said, like, a made-up name.
-Elderberry? -I said, like, cornflower?
-Cornwall? Cornflower? -Yeah. Cornflower.
-Okay, great. I said yes. -'Kay. I'll be... -David, David,
next to your eyes, are anything blue?
Oh, yeah. My-- It's supposed to make--
it's supposed to make 'em pop. It's not working.
Okay. Uh, a new survey found that, instead of--
Don't cut that out. I like that talk about the shirt.
Don't cut it.
-It's.... -We need more shirt talk on the show.
You know what, it's very authentic.
-It's riveting. -It is.
It's very-- It has a good podcast feel to it.
Uh... (chuckles)
A new survey found that, instead of going
with more traditional names--
you didn't have to tell me a survey, I know this--
parents are making up names for their dumb babies.
Uh, so be prepared for less Kimberlys
and more TikTashas.
Yeah, I-- We made that one up.
But these are just a taste of the names out there.
I thought that said "Faelacia."
-That's a bad one. -RAY: Yeah.
There's Cedar. I get it. Kind of.
-Tes... -Tessadora.
-SPADE: Tessadora? Eh, okay. -RAY: Well...
SPADE: Maeverly? I-- That's kind of good.
Maeverly, right? Is it dumb?
-Yeah. -Yeah, they're all dumb.
What about people that-- There-There's always, like,
people that like to sound rich, like Gucci, Chanel, Mercedes.
My brother Mazda was saying yesterday that...
My mom kept it realistic. You know, my sister Costco.
Yeah, what happened to the... (chuckles)
what happened to the days when, uh...
when, you know, dog names were weird and kid names were normal?
Now we're flopping. Now you'd be at a park and they're like,
"Meet our dog, Carl. He's great with our kids,
Bird Fart and Hulu Plus." You know?
-Hulu Plus. That's a name? -Right. Yeah.
Here's the thing. When African Americans
create a new name, they are throwing off
centuries of colonialism.
When white people do it,
it's like Iggy Azalea rapping.
It's like, know your place.
-That's true. Who are... -I just think
the foolproof way to name a baby
-is to name it after a dead relative. -Yeah.
Because then you're like, "This is Harold."
And people are like, "Ooh." And it's like, "He was a veteran!"
(laughing)
He was.
-Very snappy. -Don't forget that.
-(applause) -Like... -I also think...
you know, there's-- sometimes people do this to avoid,
you know, kids getting, uh, uh, teased,
by making up your own name. 'Cause, like, you know,
my name's Adam. Like, growing up, I got names like,
you know, Adam Fat-am and, like, Jell-O Jiggler,
Penis and Tits Kid. Uh...
Uh, Sit-- You know, One-One Parent Adam.
You know? And that was just at home, you know?
-And, uh... -Adam.
-Too much? -Adam.
-Yeah. -My name is Guy,
and I was a clearly gay fourth grader, okay?
I think I had it worse.
-SPADE: Yeah, that's true. -Um...
But, no, the thing is, as somebody named Guy,
I don't have a problem with people putting some imagination
into naming their children, since my parents
-essentially named me That Baby. -Yeah.
-Because... -Is that a backup?
Yeah, your name's Person.
Um, one of our writers, who--
-uh, panelists, you guys know Sarah Tiana-- -RAY: Yeah.
-she had her baby yesterday. -Adorable.
-(cheering and applause) -So cute.
And so we gave her almost 24 hours off
and we asked her to call in now from the hospital,
'cause it's work. Sarah.
-Yeah! -(cheering and applause)
Sarah!
-Yes! -Shakes her...
-(cheering) -Oh... my... God.
-That is... -SPADE: Aw!
So cute!
Aw, Sarah, that's so cute.
You did exactly what we told you.
Um, so what's your take on this?
You're a new parent.
Um, first of all, thanks for talking
about your shirt for five minutes
-while I have a 31-hour-old baby. -Oh, she's waiting.
Is that why he's sleeping?
Take your sweet, goddamn time.
(laughing)
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're on oxy fentanyl right now.
-Uh, you-you named your baby Cage, right? -Yeah. Um...
-Yeah, we named him Cage. Yeah. -That's kind of cool though.
-Was that short for Cage-Free? -Well, we named him...
(laughing)
We named him because of an SNL sketch that Nicolas Cage did.
No way.
-Was I in it? -About baby names.
-Oh, really? -No, you weren't in it.
-That's why we liked it. Yeah. -(laughter)
-Sarah, that's enough! -(applause and cheering)
Burnt. Burn, dude.
Yeah, you get one freebie.
So, little Octagon...
What is his name? Cage? Can we, uh...?
Can we start beating him up now
or when we get the greenlight on that?
Yeah. He was ten pounds, so he did a lot of beating up already.
(laughter)
-He fought his way out? -Yeah. My...
My vagina's gonna play the attic in a Jojo Rabbit sequel.
(laughter, applause and cheering)
MAN: Yeah!
-Ha, ha! -Ah.
Well, I hate to say, the kid looks super cute.
-Thank you. -And I guess we'll see you at work tomorrow.
-Um... -Yeah. -(laughter)
Thank you for calling in. We appreciate it.
-Bye, Sarah. -We love you. -(whooping)
-Bye. Thank you guys. Love you all. Bye. -(applause, cheering)
Cage has his SAG card already.
-Oh, that's good. -Isn't that cute?
-I love it. -So cute.
-Little hat. Rrr. -RAY: Like a rat.
Uh, I didn't like the one thing she said about me.
-Um... -(laughter)
In fairness, I started it.
Um, doctors say a woman in Pennsylvania
has an incredibly rare medical condition
where her bladder naturally brews and ferments alcohol.
Puke. Which is a polite way of saying, she pees booze.
Do we need to be that close up on the pee thing?
Um, Megan, you're usually drunk. What do you think...?
-(laughter) -I mean I hope you are.
RAY: Yeah. Come on.
The way you act. I mean...
(laughter)
-What do you think, hon? -I'm...
I'm a high-functioning drunk.
Uh... I just... I don't know.
They say, like, most of the month, it tastes like whiskey,
but then four days of the month, it's a Bloody Mary.
-SPADE: Megan! -(groaning)
Check. Easy.
I put that together
-in my head, and I did not like what happened. -BRANUM: David?
-SPADE: Yeah. -David, I'm Jewish, so I'm not clear.
Is this how Jesus turned water into wine?
(laughter)
I don't think... Well...
Little murky, still the facts on that one.
-Ah. -She pees beer.
She's literally the coronavirus.
-(audience groaning) -No.
Not funny anymore. The... Today's the day we're deciding
-it's not fun to make fun of it. -RAY: Oh. Boo.
-No, it's too real. -Boo.
We're getting... I'm getting scared.
-Where's your mask? -She also lives in rural
-Pennsylvania. -SPADE: Yes.
And I feel like this trick will really come in handy there.
-You know? It's... -RAY: I think she would kill it...
I think she would kill it as a bartender till you walk...
You're like, "My buddy's gonna have a Blue Moon,
-and I'll have a Diane?" -(laughter)
No, like... like this is the perfect thing.
It's a white lady who makes her own chardonnay.
Like, it's a one-woman Real Housewives show.
-(applause) -You know... -Need more of that.
There are women that
actually can shit cocaine.
They're called "drug mules."