(Half bell)
(Bell)
I have a daughter, she was 19 when she died from leukemia.
And I try very hard to remember that she is with me,
she is in every cell in my body.
But still I feel waves of such deep sorrow and, and longing.
I want, I want to be with her.
And I wonder-- my question is how or...
is it possible to ever really truly be happy again?
The other day, we spoke about the cloud in the sky.
And when the cloud transforms herself into the rain,
it's hard for you to recognize your cloud in the rain.
You need to have the kind of eyes, the wisdom of Signlessness,
in order to recognize your beloved in her new form.
She is there, if you know how to look deeply.
She is still with you, she is around.
And the fact is that she - it's impossible for her to die,
she just manifests herself in new forms.
Look at them.
If we are caught by our habit,
we can only recognize her in her - in her, her old form, appearance.
And that is why we suffer.
But if we are opened, if we can see our cloud in the rain,
we can stop our suffering and we can restore our joy.
Before giving birth to me, my mother miscarried my big brother.
And I learned that from my mother,
and I often asked the question when I was young
whether that boy that she miscarried is me or another, another boy.
Maybe it is just me but I decided well, I don't want to come out yet,
I want to wait.
So she really did not really mis - miscarry anyone
because I, I, I decided to wait.
It's like one, one winter,
when I was doing walking meditation
and I saw, and I saw many buds of flowers
of a kind of tree called Japanese Konatsu,
it was warm at that time,
so the buds came out very beautifully.
I said, "Well, this new year we'll have flowers to decorate the Buddha's altar."
Because you need to cut a few branches
and bring it into the warmth and they will blossom.
But a few days later, before I can cut them,
there was a wave of cold, and all of them died.
So I said, "This new year,
we will have no flowers to decorate our Buddha's altar."
But after that, the warmth, warm weather came again
and new buds appeared on the branches.
So the, the old buds who have died, they have not really died.
They come again, as life is very strong.
Life is stronger than death.
So the question is that, are they the same?
So if we are mindful and concentrated, we can recognize our beloved one...
right here, right now in her new form,
and we can restore our joy and happiness.
She is always there, not only in yourself.
You have to recognize her in her new forms.
And she may not be just one, she can be two, three, four, five.
And you come with us and live a few months here with us,
you recognize her in, in this monastery.
You have three, four, five daughters instead of one.
(Half bell)
(Bell)