hey what's up youtube this is your certified life and relationship coach coach court
and in today's video i'm going to give you some tips on how to heal the anxious attachment style
thank you for sticking around if this is your first time viewing me please do me a
favor by uh hitting the subscribe button and ringing that little bell so you're notified
for my newest content so i had somebody reach out to me asking me to do a video
about how i could um help them heal their anxious attachment style if that was at all possible
and i can reassure you that your attachment style can be changed it can be healed to a more
secure attachment style it takes time it takes work before i get into that though
i think it's important to understand how the anxious attachment style was formed
early on in childhood your primary caregiver whether your parents or somebody else
they were at some point inconsistent with the way that they showed you love and affection
they may have been really loving but the love just wasn't there consistently now this may not
have been something that they were intentionally doing because you don't know what you don't know
take myself for instance my dad uh left when i was three years old and he went to the military so
the way that we were able to spend time was very sparingly he was often stationed out of town or
across seas so when he came into town he would make sure he spent time with me but in my mind
i would fear him leaving again that type of style is what i eventually took later on into my
romantic relationships i would fear the same thing from my future spouses because whenever
i felt them pulling away or if i felt them being angry with me or it felt like they were losing
interest in me i would panic even when we were having the best times of our lives when we were
at some of the peak of our affection and love for each other i would still panic because i feel or
i felt because i'm a recovering anxious attacher i felt as if it was only a matter of time before
they saw a flaw in me or they found somebody better than me so i would pull them closer and
a lot of the times that pushed them even further away the way that i pulled
them close was i had the unhealthy way of pulling them close i pulled them close by
smothering them trying to control what they did manipulating them by trying to break up with them
when i felt like they were going to break up with me kind of like beat them to the punch and a lot
of those things were made up in my own head so with that being said let's get into how you can
help heal yourself and become a more secure attachment style the first thing you need to do
is learn to be able to self soothe yourself more in relationships so when things are a little bit
rocky or you don't hear back from your spouse when you need to or you get into an argument or
you're just going through some issues it's important to be able to soothe yourself and
not have to rely on your spouse to make you feel comfortable anxious attachers have a hard time
feeling fulfilled within themselves so they turn to the spouse or
to external things to help make them feel comfortable within their own skin
they may need people to um self-validate them say they may have won an award or
created the like latest software they need pats on the back and they need to constantly ask people
for validation because they don't feel as if they're worthy of any good so a good
thing to do is to validate yourself don't ask people for their opinion on anything
just believe in yourself believe in your abilities and try not to turn to other people for
their input on something know that what you're doing and what you've done what you've created
is great now i know it sounds really simplistic in the way that i'm explaining
it but it'll be a good place to start if you're in a romantic relationship
you need to prompt yourself when those thoughts are getting out of control because they can spiral
really fast just a little seed of doubt a little seed of insecurity can grow really rapidly in
an anxious attacker's mind and it could have no sense of truth to it at all because we continue
those stories like we're we're actually pretty good at making up the worst case scenario for
when somebody is pulling away from us another way that really helped me out was finding a purpose
doing something where i can channel that energy because we obsess over things and if you found a
purpose that you can feel fulfilled in and um can focus a lot of your energies on that'll be huge
so find your purpose which is hard in itself we wake up every day we pray to god
to keep our family safe keep us healthy and help us find our purpose so whatever it is that lights
you up makes you feel as if this is the reason you were put on this earth then find that because
when you're single or you're feeling as if your spouse is pulling away from you you can turn your
attention towards that and it'll give you that same feeling of fulfillment that you would turn to
your spouse for when you are needing that um that emotional high because literally that's what it
does you feel an emotional high when that person is close to you when they're giving you love and
affection and it's exhausting for other people because they don't want to have to be that person
all the time so be able to prompt yourself when you feel those thoughts going out of control
tell yourself that this is just the anxious in me whether it has any validity to it at all you need
to understand that you can't control what people do if people are going to cheat on you if people
are going to leave you let them you don't need them to make you a whole person when people say
that's my better half i don't really like that statement because we're all whole beings
journeying together and if you ask somebody else to join you on that journey that's just a bonus
it's not what's going to complete you so if you found this video of any value please like comment
and share if you want to follow me on other social media accounts my twitter is going to be below my
instagram is below and also take the quiz see what your attachment style is and i'd be interested to
talk about that in the comment section until next time thank you guys and talk to you soon