(AVGN theme song)
♫He's gonna take you back to the past♫
♫To play the shitty games that suck ass♫
♫He'd rather have a buffalo♫
♫Take a diarrhea dump in his ear♫
♫He'd rather eat the rotten asshole♫
♫Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer♫
♫He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard♫
♫He's the angry Nintendo nerd♫
♫He's the angry Atari Sega nerd♫
♫He's the Angry Video Game Nerd♫
What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day.
Lester the Unlikely.
It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game.
(Wimpy Tarzan noise)
Okay, title screen.
Guy swinging on vine.
Like every other jungle adventure game.
Then comes the story: you're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders on to a dock, and then...
Ugh. Okay.
I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of a cargo that's being loaded onto a ship.
He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates,
and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island.
That's where the game begins.
Now that is the most embarassing walk cycle I've ever seen.
(Lester: "Neugh...")
(Lester: "No!")
What's he doing?
The hell is that about?
Jump.
Ugh, what, is he humping the air now?
(Lester: "Waahh!")
Oh, come on, he can't even jump without getting hurt?
This guy needs to take lessons from Mario.
You're not allowed to jump from too great a height. You have to stand on the edge, face the opposite direction,
and gently lower yourself down.
It's tedious, and it takes a while to learn.
It's not that uncommon. There were other games with a similar control scheme,
like Prince of Persia, Out of this World, and Nosferatu, which all use the same style of rotoscoped animation.
But THIS is just annoying. Half the time, Lester does things against your own will.
(Lester: "WAAAH!")
I didn't do that, the game did!
Have you ever had a game character disobey?
Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle?
Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fast!
I figured out you can kill these crabs by kicking.
And yes, that puny little kick is your only means of attack.
The air-humping, I don't know what that does. But you can't hump the turtle.
I'm trying to jump on this thing but it's not working.
Ugh, you can't jump on the turtle?
Oh, you KICK it.
Why didn't I think of that before...?
Heh. JUMPING on the turtle. I really gotta stop thinking about Mario.
How am I supposed to get up there?
Hmm, can I push the rock?
Yes, I can.
All right...
C'mon. Get up on the rock...
Okay-- (sigh)
Push the fucking rock. Push the fucking rock!
Ah, here we go...
All right, this is as close as it can get...
Ugh, fuck, I'm stuck again!
Jump!
Ohh, what--?
UGGHH, FUCK!
Get up the fucking rock...
Okay, alright, closer-- fuck...
Get closer...
Ugh, fuck! Jeez, I feel like a fucking dumbass.
Get up there!
Get the fuck up there!
Oh, man!
I don't know how I did it.
Aw, shit, there's birds now?
Ugh, duck!
Oh no no NO NO!
Let me go!
Ohh, I have to do the whole level all over again?
This game is ass gravy.
The next level's inside a cave and now things are becoming very labyrinth-like.
On top of bad control, I don't even know where to go.
Ugh, doo-doo.
The only way to find out what's below is to drop down.
Oh, COME ON, that time I didn't even let go!
Uggghhh, you can't even jump and grab on a ledge without taking damage?
You know what it is? You're just not allowed to take shortcuts.
It has to be as slow and dilligent as possible.
What a fussy game.
Oh no, WHY DO SO MANY GAMES HAVE TO HAVE BATS?
AUUGHH, DOO-DEE!
I don't have time to climb down, this is a moment where being able to jump would be really helpful.
I hate bats...
I FUCKING hate 'em...
Get away from me!
Ohhh, I can outrun 'em...
I can do it!
OH, SHIT!
This, is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming.
I'd rather FUCK the Wicked Witch of the West.
I'd rather play a CD-i game, yeah!
Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe...
(Classical music)
No. I wouldn't.
What's this? I never noticed this rock before, can I pick it up?
Oh my god. Now I feel like an idiot.
But I can't really blame myself. I thought the rock was just part of the scenery.
How's anyone supposed to distinguish it from all this other crap?
Oh, great. A dead end.
Rock doesn't do anything.
Okay, there's a treasure chest. I'll open the lock by just...
...ricocheting a rock against a wall.
A ruby, cool.
Wait. I can't keep both the rock AND the ruby?
Are you kidding me, you can't hold a weapon and item at the same time?
Why even have two boxes, then?
And there we go, off to the next level.
Now he's afraid of totem poles? This guy SUCKS.
Now we gotta jump earthquakes and fire and shit? This isn't the kind of game that should require platforming jumping skills.
Once you land on a sinking platform, you're stuck.
You don't even get a chance to jump back to safer ground.
UUGGGGGHH
Ju-- no, no, noNONONONONO, RRGH!
Jump.
No, the fuckin' HANDS(?), jeez!
Jump...
Uugghh, fuck!
Why does he stand still? It's like he's asking to die.
After all, it's the same guy who slept on a cargo platform.
Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this?
Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game, to feel empowered? To be someone you're not?
I mean, I get it. He's supposed to be a nerd.
Well, this "NERD" makes me feel like Charles Bronson.
STEVE URKEL could beat the shit outta this guy.
I think this whole thing was an experiment. To create the world's worst video game character.
No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like.
The game would start... and you couldn't even move.
All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants... sucks his thumb and... takes a shit?
The THIRD game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push start, and Lester falls down and farts.
The FOURTH game, doesn't even work at all.
You just put it in your Super Nintendo...
And it explodes.
The fifth game isn't even a game, it's just...
...a bag of shit that says "Lester the Unlikely 5" on it.
And there's a new one coming on the PS4, using the latest state-of-the-art technology of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea.
Just turned out that was the only way, and it gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.
And the original Lester will always be a classic that's improved like wine.
Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with the fine aroma of the dead fly-swarmed carcass of the three-day old deer,
with the delicate, crisp flavor of skunk farts, with highlights of ass sweat,
the palette is rich with hints of residual dried poop crusts from a truck stop bathroom,
goes down with the long-lasting finish of fly-covered summer horror trash.
FUCK this game. And you know what?
Fuck all games.
I'm gonna watch some TV.
Man!
TV nowadays sucks.