-Well, last night was the New Hampshire primary,
and the people made their voice loud and clear.
The voters say, "We want Bernie Sanders
1% more than Pete Buttigieg."
[ Laughter ] That's right.
The big winner in New Hampshire was Bernie Sanders.
You can tell Bernie's fired up.
Last night he was mixing Metamucil into a shot of Jager.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Bernie was victorious,
and he celebrated apparently with a closed-mouth smile
and a horn sound.
[ Mimics horn ]
Actually, Bernie really was thrilled.
Here he is again at his victory party.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Bernie hasn't been this excited since movies got sound.
[ Laughter ]
Can we zoom in on Bernie's grandson?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
He's thinking, "I was pulling for my classmate
Pete Buttigieg." [ Laughter ]
It was a big night in New Hampshire.
Bernie Sanders finished first, Pete Buttigieg finished second,
and Joe Biden is finished.
[ Laughter ]
That's right.
Joe Biden finished the night in a distant fifth place.
And now the four people ahead of him are scared
because the last place you want Joe Biden is behind you.
And -- [ Laughter ]
Now, seriously -- [ Audience oohs ]
[ Laughter ]
You know. I know you know.
[ Applause ]
Seriously, I'm not saying Biden's in trouble,
but in South Carolina he's already losing
to a balanced broom.
[ Laughter ]
But Biden hasn't given up. In fact, yesterday he said
Mickey Mouse could beat President Trump in an election.
Then Mickey heard and was like, "Actually at 91 years old,
I'm one of the youngest Democrats in the race, so..."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Andrew Yang
officially dropped out of the race.
Yang supported giving Americans $1,000 a month,
reducing student loans, and legalizing weed.
Americans heard that and were like, "Wait, he did?
We messed up. Come back! Hey, we like you!"
[ Laughter ]
Another candidate who looks like their campaign is in rough shape
is Tom Steyer, which brings us to a new piece called
"Tom Steyer, Poor Choice of Words."
♪♪
-I think that we're gonna come out of New Hampshire
and come to Nevada, where in fact, I've already come.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoa!
-Ow!
Dang.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my goodness.
-Back in Washington, Trump was bragging about the economy
and pointed out that the big four companies,
Microsoft, Apple, Google, and Amazon spell out "MAGA."
[ Laughter ]
Take a look, yeah.
And then cameras had to cut away
when Trump held up four more companies --
Facebook, UPS, Costco, and Kohl's.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news.
I saw that Crocs has teamed up with KFC to make
new fried-chicken-inspired clog shoes.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not sure if the word "clog"
refers to the shoes or your arteries.
But either way it's -- [ Laughter ]
And this is very exciting.
Chipotle just announced a new promotion
where they're giving away free guac.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Take a look at this commercial and see how it works.
-Good news, everyone.
Chipotle is now giving away free guac to all rewards members.
Just text "guac mode" to 104836.
Not a rewards member? That's cool.
Just visit our website and enter your name, home address,
phone number, and e-mail,
then the first five digits of your Social Security number
followed by the last four digits of your Social Security number.
Then all you have to do is answer a few security questions.
Hang on. You're almost there.
Then create a unique password
that's at least 42 characters long.
It should have upper and lower case letters, along with numbers
and a few different types of punctuation.
Next, submit a hair and saliva DNA sample by mail,
and after six to eight months of processing,
we should have the results that confirm it's you.
Best of all, guac mode is only available
at two participating Chipotle restaurants,
and one is in Baku, Azerbaijan.
Chipotle -- making dreams come true.
-Yeah, isn't that cool? It's exciting.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Free guac.
-Cool promotion. -Yeah.
-Get this.
When a man at a restaurant in Massachusetts
was paying a $12 bill, he left the waitress a $2,000 tip.
[ Audience oohs ]
Then she was like, "Fine, Mr. Bloomberg,
I'll vote for you."
[ Laughter ]
And finally I heard about a Girl Scout troop
in Illinois that's been selling
cookies outside of a weed dispensary.
[ Laughter ]
They just earned a new badge that says, "Friggin' genius."
We have a great show.