WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] EVERYBODY IS IN A GREAT MOOD.
BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY HERE IN NEW YORK.
THE SUN WAS SHINING IN THE SKY, THE FLOWERS WERE BLOOMING
IN THE FIELDS, THE DISCARDED FACE MASKS WERE BLOWING IN THE
STREETS. SPEAKING OF WHICH, YESTERDAY,
PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED A HOUSE BILL IMMEDIATELY ENDING
THE COVID-19 NATIONAL EMERGENCY. THE EMERGENCY IS OFFICIALLY
OVER! NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS
FOR OUR HEALTH. THIS MEANS WE CAN FINALLY GET
BACK TO SOME OF OUR FAVORITE PREPANDEMIC LATE SHOW SEGMENTS,
LIKE "SUBWAY BLIND TASTE TEST." >> IS IT A BROOKLYN-BOUND
F TRAIN RUNNING EXPRESS ON THE D LINE?
[DING, DING, DING] YES!
OH, MY GOD! >> Stephen: THIS MORNING BIDEN
WAS OFF TO THE EMERALD IRELAND. THE TRIP IS PART DIPLOMACY
AND PART HOMECOMING, BECAUSE BIDEN'S ANCESTORS
CAME TO THE U.S. FROM IRELAND IN THE MID-1800s,
WHEN BIDEN WAS JUST A TEEN. AHEAD OF THE TRIP, CNN CAUGHT UP
WITH SOME OF BIDEN'S IRISH COUSINS TO ASK ABOUT THEIR
FAMOUS RELATIVE. >> GIRLS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO
BE RELATED TO A PRESIDENT? >> IT'S VERY EXCITING BECAUSE
HE'S PRESIDENT. >> HAVE YOU MET HIM
BEFORE? >> YEAH, WE MET HIM TWICE.
HE WAS JUST EATING OUR CHIPS AND WHEN FANCY MEALS CAME OUT
HE JUST WANTED THE CHIPS AND CHICKEN NUGGETS.
>> HE WAS STELING YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: "THANKS
FOR THE NUGS, CUZ! GOOD KIDS.
LOVE THOSE CHIPS. YOU GUYS GET THE SHAMROCK
SHAKE ALL YEAR 'ROUND OVER THERE?
SEND ONE TO YOUR UNCLE JOEY, WOULDYA?
BACK STATESIDE WE ONLY GET 'EM IN MARCH.
MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, GREEN CHALK! BIDEN FAMOUSLY INCORPORATES
IRISH POETS INTO HIS SPEECHES AND HAS BEEN CALLED
"THE MOST IRISH" PRESIDENT SINCE JFK, WHO BECAME
THE FIRST SERVING U.S. PRESIDENT TO
VISIT IRELAND IN 1963. AND LIKE BIDEN, THE CROWDS WENT
NUTS WHEN JFK RECITED SOME CLASSIC IRISH VERSE.
>> THERE WAS AN OLD FELLA FROM DUBLIN WHOSE FLATULENCE
WAS RATHER TROUBLIN'. HE SAID TO A LASS
YOU CAN TELL I PASSED GAS 'CAUSE MY BATH WATER
JUST STARTED BUBBLIN'. [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: SO, ANYWAY, BIDEN'S OVER IN IRELAND
ALL WEEK. AND YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT JUST
WANNA STAY. BECAUSE STATESIDE, WE'RE LOOKING
AT THE COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM.
ON FRIDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE IN TEXAS SUSPENDED THE FDA'S
APPROVAL OF AN ABORTION PILL. EVIDENTLY, THIS JUDGE THINKS
HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT MEDICATION THAN THE FDA.
WHICH IS WHY HE'S THE STAR OF THE NEW CBS DRAMA
"DOCTOR JUDGE LEGAL PHARMACIST." REFILL OVERRULED!
THE MEDICATION IN QUESTION IS A WIDELY-USED PILL CALLED
MIFEPRISTONE, WHICH HAS BEEN ON THE MARKET FOR MORE
THAN 20 YEARS. YOU CAN'T JUST RANDOMLY BAN
THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR DECADES BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LIKE THEM. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?
MEL GIBSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS SINCE THIS JUDGE ANNOUNCED
THE BAN, AND AMERICA -- SHE DON'T LIKE IT.
ACCORDING TO A NEW IPSOS POLL, 70% ARE OPPOSED TO IT, INCLUDING
82% OF DEMOCRATS AND 53% OF REPUBLICANS.
WAIT A SECOND. DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS
AGREE ON SOMETHING? THAT FEELS WEIRD.
LIKE ONE OF THOSE UNLIKELY ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS WHERE YOU
SEE A DEER AND A LION. IT'S KINDA NEAT.
BUT IT FEELS UNNATURAL BECAUSE ONE OF 'EM IS GONNA GET SNACKY.
IT'S NOT JUST HUMAN PEOPLE WHO ARE AGAINST THIS RULING,
IT'S ALSO CORPORATION PEOPLE. A LETTER CONDEMNING THE JUDGE'S
DECISION WAS SIGNED BY MORE THAN 400 LEADERS OF THE
PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY. THAT'S RIGHT, BABY!
AMERICA IS STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH
OUR HEROES AT... BIG PHARMA?
OKAY, THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS. I HOPE THEY HAVE A PILL
FOR THAT. AND THEY DO.
IN THE LETTER, THE PHARMA-FELLAS POINT OUT THAT MIFEPRISTONE
HAS PROVEN TO BE SAFER THAN TYLENOL, NEARLY ALL ANTIBIOTICS,
AND INSULIN. SO IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WASN'T
MUCH ABOUT PROTECTING PUBLIC HEALTH.
WE INGEST WAY WORSE STUFF THAN MEDICATION.
HAVE YOU TRIED FRIED OREOS? THEY ARE SCHEDULE 1 CONTROLLED
DELICIOUS. THE PHARMA BROS ARE UPSET ABOUT
THE PRECEDENT THIS RULING SETS, EXPLAINING, IF COURTS
CAN OVERTURN DRUG APPROVALS WITHOUT REGARD FOR SCIENCE
OR EVIDENCE, ANY MEDICINE IS AT RISK FOR THE SAME OUTCOME.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING BIG PHARMA DOESN'T LIKE,
IT'S YOU TAKING AWAY THEIR ABILITY TO SELL YOU DRUGS.
TRY IT, AND THEY WILL BRING THE HURT.
THEN THEY WILL PRESCRIBE OXY FOR THE HURT.
SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: THEM MAKING A LOT OF MONEY.
THIS RULING HASN'T GONE INTO EFFECT YET AND IS BEING
APPEALED, BUT AS A PRECAUTION, STATES LIKE MASSACHUSETTS
AND CALIFORNIA HAVE BEGUN STOCKPILING THE PILLS,
AND WASHINGTON'S GOVERNOR JAY INSLEE HAS BOUGHT
A THREE-YEAR SUPPLY IN CASE OF A BAN.
YOU CAN FOLLOW HIS ADVENTURES ON THE NEW CBS DRAMA
"DOCTOR GOVERNOR LEGAL PHARMACIST"
NOW STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT+! PARAMOUNT+!
FINE! HE'S ALSO A COP, OKAY?
WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS THIS COUNTRY'S FACING,
THE G.O.P. IS LASER FOCUSED ON WHAT MATTERS MOST:
TOILET STUFF. IN RECENT MONTHS, REPUBLICANS IN
IOWA, ARKANSAS, ALABAMA, OKLAHOMA, AND TENNESSEE HAVE ALL
PASSED BILLS ADDRESSING BATHROOM USE FOR TRANS PEOPLE.
WHAT IS THE OBSESSION WITH WHO'S IN THE BATHROOM?
MY HOUSE ONLY HAS GENDER NEUTRAL BATHROOMS.
EVERYONE USES THEM, AND THE ONLY COMPLAINT I'VE
HEARD IS THAT THE "ROLLING STONE"
IN THE MAGAZINE RACK IS FROM 2004.
THE LATEST ANTI-TRANS BILL IS DOWN IN FLORIDA, AND ONE OF
ITS FIERCEST ADVOCATES IS REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE
AND SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WHOSE EDIBLE KICKED IN RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF PICTURE DAY, WEBSTER BARNABY.
YESTERDAY, BARNABY OFFERED A CONFUSING METAPHOR FOR WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO SHARE A WORLD WITH TRANS PEOPLE.
>> I'M LOOKING AT SOCIETY TODAY.
AND IT'S LIKE I'M WATCHING AN X-MEN MOVIE.
IT'S LIKE WE HAVE MUTANTS LIVING AMONG US ON PLANET EARTH.
AND, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT,
BUT THAT'S THE FACT. WE HAVE PEOPLE THAT LIVE AMONG
US TODAY ON PLANET EARTH THAT ARE HAPPY TO DISPLAY
THEMSELVES AS IF THEY WERE MUTANTS FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
THIS IS THE PLANET EARTH. >> Stephen: THERE'S A LOT TO
UNPACK THERE. FIRST, THE X-MEN ARE FROM
PLANET EARTH. SECOND, IF YOU'RE AGAINST
TRANS PEOPLE, WHY WOULD YOU COMPARE THEM TO INCREDIBLY COOL
SUPERHEROES WITH LASER EYES INDESTRUCTIBLE SKELETONS
OR WHO CONTROL THE WEATHER WITH SEXINESS?
MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THOSE MOVIES IS THAT
SOCIETY SHOULD ACCEPT EVERYONE, NO MATTER THEIR DIFFERENCES.
STAN LEE SAID HE CREATED THE X-MEN CHARACTERS AS A
METAPHOR FOR CIVIL RIGHTS, AND THE FRANCHISE IS EXPLICITLY
A GAY RIGHTS PARABLE. SO BARNABY IS PURPOSEFULLY
MISREPRESENTING THE X-MEN MOVIES.
UNLESS, UNLESS HIS MUTANT POWER IS BEING A DUMBASS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] RIGHTWING NUTJOBS AREN'T JUST
MAD ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE USING BATHROOMS.
THEY'RE ALSO MAD ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE DRINKING BEER.
BECAUSE SOME CONSERVATIVES ARE BOYCOTTING BUD LIGHT OVER
ITS PARTNERSHIP WITH A TRANS ACTIVIST.
COME ON, GUYS. THE ONLY REASON ANYONE SHOULD
BOYCOTT BUD LIGHT IS IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO DRINK.
LIKE BUD LIGHT LIME. WHICH IS DELICIOUS.
THE CHARGE WAS LED BY CONSERVATIVE THOUGHT LEADER
KID ROCK. >> GRANDPA'S FEELING
A LITTLE FRISKY TODAY. LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU
ALL AND BE AS CLEAR AND CONCISE AS POSSIBLE.
[GUNFIRE] >> Stephen: TEXAS CONGRESSMAN
DAN CRENSHAW ALSO TRIED TO GET IN ON THE DOME.
>> I SAW BUD LIGHT'S STUPID AD CAMPAIGN.
SO GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? WE'RE GOING TO THROW OUT
EVERY SINGLE BUD LIGHT WE'VE GOT IN THE FRIDGE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS THAT WAS EASY.
>> Stephen: HA, HA! GOT 'EM!
NO BUD LIGHT! HOWEVER, INTERNET SMARTIES
DID POINT OUT THAT CRENSHAW HAS A LOT OF KARBACH,
WHICH IS OWNED BY ANHEUSER-BUSCH.
FOILED AGAIN BY CORPORATE HEGEMONY.
"I'M DONE WITH NESTLE! I'LL STICK TO KIT KATS.
THEY OWN THAT? FINE, I'LL JUST CHUG SOME
COFFEEMATE. SERIOUSLY, THAT TOO?
OKAY, ONE BOWL OF PURINA DOG FOOD, PLEASE.
NO WAY! FINE, THEN I'LL JUST DRINK
THIS BOTTLE OF GARNIER FRUCTIS MOISTURIZING SHAMPOO!
BBBBPP! WHAT?"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JENNIFER GARNER AND CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE HAVE PUPPIES!