AMY GALLO: Of the many flavors of bad bosses out there,
one of the most common and most painful to work for
is the insecure manager.
Insecure bosses can be nitpicky micro-managers or paranoid
meddlers who make you question your every move.
And if they see you as a threat, they
may even try to damage your career.
If you've ever doubted yourself because your boss doesn't have
faith in you or shoots down your ideas without any explanation
or blames you for their lack of success, this video is for you.
So how do you're dealing with an insecure manager?
Here are some common traits.
They're overly concerned about what others think of them.
They can't make a decision or stick with one.
They're always highlighting their own expertise
or credentials, sometimes putting down others
to make themselves feel better.
They require that every decision in detail have their approval.
They don't allow their team to interact
with people from other departments
or senior leaders in an attempt to control
the flow of information.
If you're working with someone who fits that description,
what can you do?
It is so tempting to retaliate or to push back or confront
them or even report them to their boss.
But you shouldn't do that.
It is likely to backfire big time.
Once they sense that you have disdain for them
or that you can't be trusted, they're
likely to amp up their defensiveness, making
your life more miserable.
Instead, you want to start by understanding what might
be causing their self-doubt.
Let me just say, for the record, a certain amount of self-doubt
is completely normal.
At times, we all wonder if we can say nail that presentation
or if our coworkers think we're smart.
Insecurity crosses over into problematic behavior,
however, when people try to conceal or compensate
for their self-doubt.
They end up resorting to the tactics I just outlined.
This might surprise you, but research
shows that people in positions of power
are more prone to feelings of insecurity.
Think about it-- all eyes are on them.
They're under a lot of pressure.
They may fear being outed as incompetent
or even losing their position of power.
Knowing that can help you reframe
how you see their behavior.
For example, you may instinctively
think "my boss wants to destroy my career."
Or "my manager wants everyone else to look bad."
But go deeper, do they really want to destroy your career?
That's unlikely.
More likely they're nervous about losing their job,
say, in an upcoming round of layoffs.
Or they think that by criticizing you--
sometimes harshly--
they're going to motivate you to perform
better, which will ultimately make them look better.
OK, now that you have a better sense of their motives,
let's improve the situation.
Here are some tactics.
Tactic 1, remain patient.
Far too many bosses are overwhelmed, overextended,
underqualified, and/or undertrained.
It's quite possible that dealing with legitimate pressures,
like hitting year-end targets or dealing with tough clients
is causing them to take their insecurities out on you.
So exercise empathy.
Remain patient.
Easier said than done, I know.
But here's a tactic that's worked for others.
Imagine your boss as a child who's
completely unaware of the harm they're causing.
That mental picture can help you keep your composure
and stay calm.
Here's another example, if your boss is riling you up,
excuse yourself for a moment to take time to compose yourself
and calm down.
Controlling your anger can keep tensions down
and allow you to do your job.
Tactic 2, frame your work as a joint effort.
Instead of competing with your insecure boss--
pro tip, you're probably going to lose--
figure out what their objectives are
and how you can achieve them together.
This is about framing things as a joint effort.
Start sentences with "we" as much as possible.
Try saying things like "we've got this."
Or "it's good that we're in this together."
And when you do succeed, share the glory.
Don't in any way downplay your own efforts,
but highlight the partnership.
Acknowledging that you're on the same side
can build trust and diffuse your boss's insecurities.
Tactic 3, signal that you're not a threat.
You want your boss to think of you as an ally, not a rival.
It's best to do this at the beginning.
But it's never too late to reset the tone of your relationship.
The key is to watch what you say and do
so they don't see you as even more of a threat.
For example, saying something as simple
as "I don't understand that," can
feel like a challenge to their intelligence
even if you're genuinely curious what they're thinking.
A better way to say "I don't understand that,"
may be "help me understand your thinking."
Or instead of saying "why are we doing it this way?"
try saying something like, "do you mind
sharing your thinking here?"
Tactic 4, flattery works--
as long as it's genuine.
Research on managers who feel incompetent
has shown that flattery-- genuine flattery-- really
helps.
Like everyone else, your boss needs positive feedback too.
Many people worry about coming off as sycophants or suck-ups.
I get it.
If complements are not your thing,
just express appreciation for something they've done.
Even saying "thank you" preferably in front of others
can go a long way.
You might thank them for giving you a high-profile project
or making a connection for you in another department.
Buttering up your boss when they're
making your life miserable it's probably
the last thing you want to do.
But it's in your interest.
It'll increase your influence and decrease your stress.
Tactic 5, restore their sense of control.
Insecure managers who have trouble trusting others
often resort to micromanaging.
You can interrupt some of their meddling
by reassuring them that they're in charge.
Your manager may be terrified of being out of the loop.
So keep them up to date as much as possible.
And be transparent about what you're working on
and who you're talking to, especially
if it's people in other parts of the company.
Schedule regular check-ins to keep your boss updated
on projects that they care about.
Make them feel included in the process.
Over-communicating now will save you the effort
of defending yourself later.
Another sneaky way to make them feel in control
is to frame your suggestions as questions.
Research shows that asking questions instead of giving
answers boosts the sense of control in the other person.
So pose questions that start with "what if" or "could
we" then invite your manager to share their thoughts.
Instead of saying something like,
"I think we should roll this initiative out
in all of our markets," try saying, "what
if we rolled this initiative out in all of our markets?
What would that take?"
Or instead of saying, "it'd be better if we took a slower
approach here."
You could say, "what if we built on your idea
and tried to slow it down a bit?"
Unfortunately, no matter how strategic you are,
it's unlikely that you're going to cure your manager
of their insecurities.
And that's not your responsibility.
And ultimately, if all of these tactics fail,
you may need to figure out how to set up boundaries
so you just interact with your boss less.
Here's a quick recap.
Don't retaliate or push back.
Their anxieties are likely to ramp up, not calm down.
Try to understand what pressures your manager is under
or what's causing their insecurity.
Position yourself as an ally, not a rival.
Pay your boss genuine complements or express
gratitude and appreciation.
Start sentences with "we" as much as possible.
Keep them updated and be transparent about what
you're working on and who you're talking with.
And schedule regular check-ins where
you can share progress on projects your boss cares about.
And make them feel included in your work.
Thank you for watching.
All of the tactics in this video are
taken from my book "Getting Along,
How to Work with Anyone--
Even Difficult People."
If you've worked with an insecure manager
and you have a tactic to share, comment below.
Also, let us know if you have a topic you want us
to cover in an upcoming video.
Bye for now.