- You know that old thing where, if we reach a certain age
and neither of us are married, then we'll marry each other?
What's up with that?
Friends Gets Therapized right here, right now.
(big bang jazzy music)
This is not just a TV show and movies thing,
even though I've seen this done a thousand times,
this is very much a real life thing.
I know of people who make these pinky swear pacts
where if neither of us have somebody by this age,
then we're gonna end up together.
Or if neither of us has a baby by this age,
then we're gonna make a baby together.
And you know, it's called having a backup, right?
Having someone who's a security, 'cause I don't want to go
through my life alone or because I don't wanna go
through life without being a parent.
And so these are the decisions that I'm making
to make sure this happens in my life.
I want to explore this strategy,
whether or not it's a good one.
If it is, how to do it in a healthy way
versus an unhealthy way.
And if it's not, why?
And we're gonna do this through the lens
of the classic '90s and early aughts sitcom, Friends.
(soft rock musical chord)
- We're gonna find love.
- Definitely.
(laugh track laughs)
- Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that.
(laugh track laughs)
That's what makes it so easy for me
to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler.
(laugh track laughs)
It'll be nice to have a little guarantee, though.
- What do you mean?
- You know, some people make deals with a friend,
like if neither of them are married
by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
- You mean a backup?
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah, yeah, I've got that.
(laugh track and Johnathan laugh)
- You do? - Mhm.
- Who?
- Joey.
- Joey? - Yeah.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I locked him in years ago.
(laugh track and Johnathan laugh)
- Wait, so if neither of you are married
by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey?
- Yeah, we shook on it.
(laugh track laughs)
- Yeah.
- So right outta the gate,
I don't think this should be like an iron clad thing
because what happens if you make this
when you're in your 20s, 25, 30,
10 years later, you realize, "Well I'm 40,
made the pact, but I actually don't want to be
with this person no matter what," or,
"I'm actually okay being single."
So don't paint yourself in a corner, first thing.
Second thing, it's not a terrible idea
if it's with someone that you love
and that you could have companionate love
with, but then also like, is there an out?
'Cause what happens if I marry someone that I'm not
in love with because I don't want to be alone?
For some people that could be a really healthy dynamic.
They settle into it, I just want to be
with my best buddy for forever.
I know that Alicia and our producer, Maddie,
honestly, if something happened to me,
and something happened to Maddie's husband,
I don't think they'd be romantic partners,
but they, I mean, who knows, right?
But they would definitely move in together and have
what's the female version of a bromance?
Like a sistermance?
The sismance, they'd have a sismance,
and they'd probably share their lives together.
But I see pros and cons to this.
- But believe me, that is not how he wanted
to seal the deal.
(laugh track laughs)
- Oh, seriously?
- Oh yeah, I think his exact words were
(Phoebe clicks tongue and purrs)
- Charming.
- Yeah, he's just a backup.
- Yeah.
(guitar music)
- Hey Monica.
- Have you seen Rachel or a mirror?
- This for my boat.
Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah, it's great.
- Oh. What's the matter?
Talk to the captain.
- Just having one of those days where you realize
you're in a dead end relationship.
- Chandler giving you a hard time, huh?
- It's not like I wanna get married tomorrow.
It's just, I'd like to believe
that I'm in a relationship that's going somewhere
that I'm not just wasting my time.
- Oh, you know Chandler.
- No, I don't know Chandler.
Not anymore.
It's like, something's changed.
- Maybe you changed.
- I didn't change.
- Maybe that's the problem.
- Just like trying stuff on.
- Chandler is a complex fellow,
one who was unlikely to take a wife.
- What does he think?
Does he think I'm just gonna wait around for nothing?
- Monica face it.
Chandler is against marriage and always will be.
- Yeah. Well there's some people who do wanna marry me.
- There are?
- Yeah, Richard.
- Richard said he wants to marry you?
And Chandler's telling you how much he hates marriage.
- That's right.
- Chandler loves marriage.
(laugh track and Johnathan laugh)
- You just told me that he hates marriage.
That he's a complex fellow.
Who's unlikely to take a wife,
that he's against marriage and always will be.
- You got that from what I said?
(laugh track and Johnathan laugh)
- Okay. So this is mildly unrelated.
But that whole plot thread is, Chandler is planning
on proposing to Monica.
But so is Richard, and Chandler doesn't know that.
So he's trying to set the table
so that Monica will be surprised
and it's gonna blow up in his face.
So I would say this is a little tangential thing
but instead of surprising someone
with a proposal, marriage, if that's what you
want, should be something that you're discussing together.
And it should be something that you are working
towards together.
What would that look like?
If we got married, what would our life look like together?
What are our values?
Do we want kids?
What would we do with our finances?
What are our goals?
What does life with you look like?
And to have these conversations
in advance before you even propose, which is why
the surprise proposal is very dramatic for television shows
but I would never go that route in real life.
I think you have the conversations first.
(guitar chord)
- It's Rach.
- Hey, you.
- So obviously these two have a history,
that history is long in the past.
- Come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
- But there's probably still feelings there.
- Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah. I really thought we'd be able to make it work
but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
- Yeah, love.
It's a tricky business, isn't it?
(laugh track laughs)
- I guess so.
- So what do you say we make a pact?
If you and I are both single
by the time we're 40, we get married.
I mean, we know each other,
we like each other and we've already slept together.
So, you know, there'll be no surprises there.
You know what I mean?
No, like what's that.
- Oh, you want me to be your backup?
- Exactly.
- Oh yeah.
I already have one.
- What? Who?
- Phoebe.
- Phoebe? But she just, she said Joey is her backup.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- Ross, I just had a conversation with her
and she said that she and Joey made a deal.
- That's impossible.
I mean, we have had a deal for years.
We shook on it.
Although believe me,
she wants her to do a lot more than that.
(laugh track and Johnathan laugh)
- So the cons,
(laughing)
so the concept of a backup.
Not everybody watching this video
is gonna have that specific situation.
So let's look at something broader
but also what this is, we all want security, right?
We wanna know what our future is.
And the fact is, none of us do.
None of us know what our future is.
None of us know exactly how things are gonna play out.
There is no true security, honestly, outside of yourself,
which is a hard thing to say.
But listen, my parents had the most beautiful
marriage that I've ever seen.
The most beautiful partnership that I've ever seen.
They worked really well together.
And then, my mom died.
I would've said that theirs was
the surest thing I've ever seen.
After all, their parents went the distance,
were married, lived good,
long lives together before and died.
And I would've said my parents
were an absolutely sure thing.
And they weren't.
I mean, in my belief system,
they'll see each other again, and they'll be together again.
But, here and now
my dad had to start an entirely different life, right?
There are people that you think will never get divorced
that get divorced.
There are people who stay together and you're like,
"Really? Wow, I can't believe they made it."
There are people that
stay single their entire life by choice.
People who stay single their entire life
and don't want to be single.
We can't control the outcomes.
The only thing we can control is, who do I become?
Who do I want to be?
And how do I create that?
How do I manifest that?
And then make the specific plans and march towards that.
Literally everything else is a bonus,
from who you spend your life with,
to whether or not you have kids,
to what your kids turn out to be,
to what happens in your career,
to even whether or not you survive the day.
None of that is completely in your hands,
but who you are and how you spend your time,
that's literally the only thing you can spend your time
and energy on that you can directly control.
Even having a backup speaks to a desire to not be alone.
Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
And if your backup is the right person,
then why are they your backup?
I'm not knocking the system.
I'm sure it's worked for some people
but these are just my thoughts.
I could be completely wrong.
What do you think?
Let me know when the comments below,
what do you think about the whole backup system?
And what do you think about my advice about focusing
on who you want to be and how you wanna spend your time?
Is that good advice?
Or am I full of it?
I can be full of it.
I love to hear it.
Let me know when the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video,
we've got so many more Friends where that came from.
We've got a whole playlist as I'm doing a watch
through of the show and giving my thoughts.
So check that out right here.
Until next time folks,
keep shining because we need your light.
And here's that playlist I was telling you about,
check that action out.
(big bang jazzy music)