The man, the myth, the legend.
Vladimir Putin.
Most people know him as an impenetrable, and quite frankly terrifying, man.
To you, he’s just your boss.
Although you’ve worked with the man for years, there’s still so much you don’t
know about the President of Russia.
You’ve never met his family.
You’ve never really seen him cry or express any emotions.
Sometimes, you wonder if he even has emotions.
Especially after that time he —
Oh, never mind, that’s confidential.
It’s time to get on with business as usual.
You’re not with him from the minute he gets up in the morning, but you do have a pretty
good idea of what he gets up to.
Before you get disappointed, no, there’s no topless bear wrestling or vodka shots.
In many ways, Putin is suspiciously boring.
Most mornings he has a lie-in, finally getting out of bed at around noon.
Well, he needs his beauty sleep — have you seen those abs?
He’ll then tuck into a simple, nutritious breakfast — his staple ingredient is cottage
cheese.
Often, he’ll opt for porridge or an omelet, possibly the most vanilla breakfast options
ever.
But what he lacks in edginess he makes up for in healthiness.
All his food is locally produced and freshly baked, straight from his kitchen and the land
nearby.
If you hadn’t guessed it already, Putin is a pretty picky eater.
Combined with his general paranoia, it makes for a nightmare scenario whenever he goes
abroad.
He insists on traveling with his own Russian cook to make sure he always knows what he’s
eating, and teams of his diplomats will make agreements with the hosts regarding catering
decisions.
He refuses to eat anything offered by a host if it hasn’t been cleared by the Kremlin
first.
And he definitely can’t, under any circumstances, drink milk.
Picky eater or just paranoid?
Maybe it’s a bit of both, but it’s hardly surprising that Putin is worried about poisoning
after some of his alleged activities abroad...
Of course, he doesn’t have to cook anything himself: he has a personal chef.
But don’t get his actual cook confused with the wealthy Russian businessman Yevgeny Prigozhin,
who confusingly has the nickname “Putin’s chef.”
Prigozhin is just an ex hotdog salesman who made a fortune off catering businesses and
now meddles in all kinds of international affairs, and he’d probably get offended
if you thought he was actually still tasked with working in the kitchen.
All Putin’s ingredients come from farms belonging to the Patriarch Kirill, the head
of the Russian Orthodox Church — it helps to have friends in high places.
Instead of living in the busy and congested city of Moscow, Putin’s home is an estate
just west of the city, full of parkland and greenery.
After breakfast, he’ll have a coffee to set him up for a long, hard day of being Russia’s
hero.
You might think it’s finally time to start working at this point — after all, it’s
gone one in the afternoon already.
But not yet.
After already lazing around and enjoying an indulgent breakfast, Putin sets off for two
hours of swimming.
He certainly prioritizes his physique.
Putin is something of a water baby.
Whilst swimming, he remains in deep contemplation and thinking.
While doing a few lengths of breaststroke, he’s probably making his plan for world
domination and the newest foreign policy.
Or maybe he just procrastinates.
While Putin is enjoying his leisurely swim, you and the other courtiers wait for him in,
well, the waiting room.
Sometimes, you have a bit of a gossip while you’re safely out of earshot.
You can’t help but wonder if Putin is on his last legs.
He’s been in power for more than two decades, and his popularity is being tested like never
before.
Maybe that’s why he spends so much time swimming.
After three terms as president, he must be struggling to keep up with expectations.
Of course, he doesn’t talk to anyone.
He hides his emotions like it’s a full-time job.
You don’t even think he actually wants to be in charge anymore — you wonder if he’s
just scared to let go in case Russia falls apart as a result.
After all, there are few people he despises more than the so-called traitors of the country
who lacked strong leadership, like Gorbachev — the man who oversaw the fall of the Soviet
Union.
Even after Putin finishes swimming, it’s still not time for him to start governing
the country.
Not quite yet.
Instead, he heads to the gym, in a workout outfit worth $3,500.
He really cares about his physique.
Quite the multi-tasker, he watches the news while doing his exercise.
There’s nothing that gets you pumped up for a good workout quite like watching a program
telling you how great you are for your country.
As you might expect, he’s not much of a cardio guy.
You’ll find him lifting weights, not running on the treadmill.
Eventually, by mid-afternoon, Putin is finished with his excessive exercise routine, and he
finally gets dressed.
Like most men in their sixties, he has a pretty conservative fashion sense.
He’ll normally opt for a bespoke suit and a tie in a neutral tone.
His favorite brands are Kiton and Brioni, two companies that sell suits for thousands
of dollars a-piece.
At this point, you and the other courtiers have been waiting hours for Putin to grace
you with his presence.
You’re not sure why he insists on you arriving so early in the first place, but that’s
just the way it is.
As one of Putin’s personal courtiers, when you’re not sat around waiting for him to
arrive, you spend the best part of the day helping
him out with his daily tasks and schedule.
Many people envy your proximity to him, but it’s a stressful job and doesn’t leave
you with much free time.
After so many hours of prep and personal development, Putin arrives raring to go.
And he needs his energy, because the first job is going through the briefing notes.
Sexy.
First, he heads over to his office and sits at his huge, heavy, wooden desk.
For extra security, the room contains no technology and no screens.
If somebody needs to communicate, it has to be through telephone, old-school style.
Now, there are three thick folders to get through.
The first one contains information from the domestic intelligence service (the FSB), the
second one has information from the foreign intelligence service (the SVR), and the third
is a report about the court, compiled by his close protection army (the FSO).
After browsing through three thick folders, it’s time for — you guessed it — more
documents.
Now, some lighter reading: the press clippings from both the heavily censored national tabloids
and the less-censored broadsheets.
Both are important for different reasons: you want to control what the general public
is thinking as well as the Kremlin courts.
Finally, it’s the foreign press, but who cares about that, really?
They always have something horrible to say about Putin based entirely on lies and defamation.
He does, however, get some satisfaction from reading the German news in its original German.
It’s a skill he developed from working for the KGB in Dresden in his younger years.
If Putin is in a particularly good mood, he might let you show him some satirical videos
or memes from the internet.
Outside of his screen-free office, of course.
So, Putin, if you’re watching this: hi!
After a few hours of keeping up with the press, it’s time to proceed with the daily schedule.
Like most powerful individuals, Putin follows a tight schedule that he has little control
over.
His plan is divided into 15-minute blocks that are scheduled months or years ahead.
The day could consist of meetings with royalty or leaders from other world states, or carrying
out honors to the great citizens of his own country.
However, he dislikes meetings and tries to avoid them wherever possible.
Who would have guessed from watching him on TV that he wasn’t much of a people person?
Although Putin lives away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, he can get there
easily if he needs to.
There’s a special route closed off and reserved just for him so he can get to the Kremlin,
Russia’s parliamentary building, in just twenty-five minutes.
Since the only two places Putin ever seems to go are the Kremlin and the airport, it’s
not particularly difficult to clear the roads for him.
However, he hates going there and will avoid it whenever possible.
Unfortunately, today there’s a meeting, which means it’s a bad day.
As soon as Putin enters the room, everyone goes silent.
Nobody looks him in the eye.
He doesn’t exactly come across as the friendliest guy in the world — he never smiles and barely
talks.
The bodyguards stay close by Putin’s side, preventing anyone from getting too close — three
meters at most.
At least he’s well-prepared for any upcoming pandemics.
If he has to give any speeches, Putin is sure to appear completely emotionless.
He prepares everything beforehand and memorizes it to make sure he avoids any spontaneous
bursts of feeling.
He normally gets you to write things, too, to achieve the maximum emotional distance.
Finally, the meeting finishes.
Time to go home — but not for you.
You’re back to Putin’s house, and there’s a long evening ahead of you.
Putin finds the greatest mental clarity in the cold hours of the evening, so that’s
when it’s time to do the real work.
A real night owl.
He summons you and the rest of the courtiers to discuss plans.
This is slightly inconvenient for you since you’re more of a morning person, but it
is what it is.
In the night time, he focuses more on deep strategy work.
You would reveal the details, but they’re far too confidential.
He’s not one for a late-night swig of vodka, despite what you might expect.
In fact, he’s a complete teetotal outside of formal receptions.
Despite Russia’s reputation for being vodka-crazed, the social issues the country has faced due
to alcoholism have led many of its politicians to ditch the booze.
One of Putin’s prime traitors of the motherland, ex-Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin, was notorious
for his alcohol problems, and he’s stayed away from the bottle as a result.
Instead, Putin is more likely to spend the time before bed cuddling up with his babies
— his dogs.
Children?
What children?
Nobody ever talks about them — Putin has two adult daughters, but they stay under the
radar and nobody is sure if he spends much time with them.
However, we know plenty about his dogs.
He owns a labrador named Konni, an Akita Inu named Yume, and a Karakachan dog named Buffy.
In case you don’t know what those breeds are, they’re very big and fluffy.
Once, Yume caused an incident in a political meeting by barking at a Japanese journalist.
But, instead of punishing his naughty dog, Putin gave her a treat!
He says he finds it endearing his dogs aren’t afraid of him.
There are also some rumors that Putin likes to read, perhaps history books or fiction,
but Putin doesn’t like to be seen as an intellectual reader.
Despite preferring his reputation as a strong man, Putin is actually an extremely intelligent
guy who came from an ordinary family, achieved near-perfect grades and rose to the top of
his field.
But eventually, although sleep is for the weak, even Putin has to head off for bed.
As he lies there waiting to drift off, he might think about his military strategy, or
perhaps his upcoming weekend plans.
He sometimes goes to Church to pray.
Whilst he has emphasized that he isn’t necessarily a devout Christian, that hasn’t stopped
him from saying same-sex marriage is on a par with Satan.
Putin also enjoys studying English — he’s already fluent in German but still perfecting
his English — and playing ice hockey.
If they’re really lucky, figures high up in an oligarchic society might be honored
to attend one of Putin’s regular ice hockey games.
As a lowly courtier, you’ve never had that honor.
Putin sleeps alone.
He was once married for thirty years, but divorced his wife Lyudmila back in 2013.
Allegedly, they split up after an argument during the interval of a ballet show, but
you’re too scared to ask about the details.
It seems like he’s a single pringle and eligible bachelor.
Some lady out there must be very lucky.
As he drifts into slumber, maybe he dreams about crowds of Russians clapping for him
and millions of adoring eyes.
Or maybe he has nightmares about an American election he doesn’t meddle in.
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