You would have no idea of what you actually looked like without your bathroom mirror think about it am I right or am I wrong
The bottom line is you come to know yourself through reflection
If the people around you especially when you were growing up keep telling you god
You're such an angry person
You come to see yourself as an angry person if they tell you god you're beautiful you come to see yourself as beautiful if they
Tell you you're so smart you come to see yourself as smart if they tell you you're so difficult
You come to see yourself as difficult if they're constantly focusing at you is to look like there's something seriously wrong with you
You feel defective
We see the way that people react to us as a reflection of who we really are
This is especially true in our children and the problem is we don't question it
Instead we swallow the mirror we swallow that reflection completely without wondering
Is there anything wrong with the mirror itself is there any component to the mirror that could make it not be reflecting me accurately
Let's imagine that a child has a mother who actually doesn't want a child because she wants to live a life around what?
She wants to do and have no obligations the mirror
Which is the mother will not be accurate it will be tainted with I don't want you
This mother will not be able to reflect to a child that he or she is important and valuable
the reflection the child will see in the mirror is that she or he has a burden and is not important, and it is an
unwanted burden
instead of questioning the mirror he or she will swallow the mirror and will see himself or herself as someone who is a burden and
Unwanted and unimportant and not valuable in order to ensure their survival. They will then adapt their behavior
According to that self-image for example if they see themselves as intrinsically worthless
They may decide they cannot get connection for being who they really are
Because no one would inherently want them in that way given that they have no value therefore
They might instead get the connection they need from others through code henan strategies
So now you understand this concept of swallowing the mirror
Now we swallow the mirror of ourselves being bad and wrong
When we grow up in scenarios where we're surrounded by adults who?
Will not take responsibility
They do make us the problem
They deflected their own shame by blaming us for everything
The mirror we swallowed held the reflection that we carried all the responsibility for anything negative
And as a result we develop into adults who take everything personally
This means anytime somebody reacts negatively at all we instantly think oh my god. It's my fault. I'm the one to blame
Because we swallowed that mirror to begin with which paints us as being the problem
Because of our childhood experience we learned that it was personal just because the other person wouldn't actually take responsibility for the way they felt
They just learned it was easier to make us the wrong one and the bad one so
Another way of putting this is we were raised by people who could not own their own shame
instead they went and
Passed it straight to us because they couldn't deal with it
So we're the ones that hold that shame
Swallow the shame internalize the shame and obviously when any negative thing occurs
We go cause it triggers the shame for this reason
I need you to watch my videos titled the number one relationship obstacle
and how to dissolve it in which I explain the mechanics of shame deflection and
projection understanding the psychology of projecting
responsibilities the opposite of victimhood
When you're in the state of victimhood, what's happening there?
Is that you're basically saying you have no control no sovereignty over your life
And everything's just happening to you responsibility is the opposite of that it's not self blame
What responsibility is is it's gaining your power back? It's saying
You know what I might actually have something to do with the way my life is turning out
I may be able to do something about it
this causes them to feel a sense of their own free will and to consciously choose if
You have responsibility you're leading your own life, but what about toxic possibility?
Responsibility is the opposite side of the scale from blame even though they seem like they're the same thing to people who have shame they're
diametrically opposed
so
Somebody who is in the state of self blame is actually in a state of victimization
There's no empowerment in that somebody who's in responsibility is feeling their own free will
The reason that it takes some serious consciousness to recognize self blame and responsibility as opposites is
because both states
Recognize you as the center of the causation of something
For this reason self blame can disguise itself as responsibility like a wolf wearing sheep's clothing
But one is self hating and the other self loving one condemns the self and the other
saves the self if you're taking responsibility you're feeling empowered if you are self blaming you're feeling bad about yourself and
Disempowered but self blame is in fact. How we escape a feeling of genuine powerlessness to someone else
Sometimes
Taking self blame is the only form of empowerment that we can find the most common way to understand
This is to think about survivors of sexual abuse
And one of the hardest things to get people who have survived from sexual abuse to do is to give up their
Sensation that they somehow brought the abuse upon them
So let's just look at this. It's 20 years old
You'll be trying to convince a woman that it wasn't her fault that Daddy raped her when she was 4 years old
Now the reason that she can't let go of that self blame is because it was the only thing that separated her from complete
Victimization if she can be raped by daddy thinking to herself. I brought this upon me in some way
There is some sense of control as opposed to complete
Nothingness when it comes to control instead of being totally at the mercy of the world
to be
Responsible in other words to see your part and everything that is occurring in your life is an awesome step up into the point
Where you were using it to?
Completely miss anyone else's responsibility
Which if you take things personally trust me. This is what you are doing when we believe down deep that were bad
We automatically assume that any negative thing that happens is because of this
we take any negative reaction that someone says personally and our deep visceral sense of shame is instantly triggered and
many people take advantage of this by either allowing you or forcing you to own that blame whether or not something is actually a
Responsibility they get to avoid their own shame by doing this, but taking everything personally leads to a painful life
And it reinforces shame which leads to things like broken relationships addiction and even suicide
So what should you do in order to not take things so personally?
step 1 we have got to question the mirror as
I've explained already in this video we swallow the mirror we accept the reflection that we see through other people without ever considering
That maybe there is a component going into the mirror itself that makes it not accurate when it comes to reflecting our actual image
Ask yourself in a situation where you were taking something personally, is there something in them. That could be distorting the reflection
For example let's say that somebody's rude. Is there a possibility that something else in their life, maybe their relationship is stressing them out
so bad that they can't handle life right now if
They're furious at me could I have triggered some unhealed wound from their past if they're treating me like I'm a slut could it be
Because they've disowned their sexuality if they're treating me like I'm worthless because I have no money could it be because their father
Traumatized them into feeling like they held no value unless they were financially successful
some people are a
Master at avoiding their own sense of shame and so this
Strategy that I just gave you they do it naturally they do it to avoid their own responsibility
They love to say that had nothing to do with the fact that I was nasty towards them I did everything to do with their
past trauma
So we all know that that's a technique that people use and it sucks when they do it
however, if you chronically take things personally
This is not what you do you have to practice what they are doing which is let's actually see if there is something
distorting the mirror
Too if we struggle with shame which we do if we take everything personally we have an impossible time separating out
Responsibility that's ours versus responsibility, that's not ours for this reason. I want you to get in the habit
This is not a one-time thing the habit of
Doing an exercise called what's mine and what's there's?
Alternatively what's mine and what's not mine to begin this exercise take out a piece of paper
You want to write mine and then below that a significant amount of the way?
There's or if it's not about a person not mine
And you're gonna make a list of everything that is actually yours to own
your part in the situation your responsibility and the truth about how you
Participated in the situation, and you're gonna do the same thing for them
Here's an example that a client did relative to herself and her husband post divorce
his
His parents have a classic codependent narcissistic relationship, and have raised him to relate in that same style
He was a child at the time. It was not ready for marriage. He doesn't want to be there for a woman
He told me so himself
He is uh Natuna said that he doesn't care whether he hurts people emotionally
He decided to marry me even when he knew I had clinical depression
Assuming he wouldn't have to deal with it
he just gave up with the pressure of taking care of me and didn't even communicate about it or
Put any effort into getting us help with it. He makes himself feel good by putting other people down
He didn't try to remedy the marriage at all. No therapy just filed for divorce
He made it about me being too hard to handle instead of admitting that he really doesn't want a serious relationship
He wants a trophy wife. He spends everything that he does to hurt relationships and to good things
He's not committed at all the minute that going gets tough
He gets going he can't be in a relationship with someone who has needs and who needs anything from him
As he puts it quote
He will not sign on to be leaned on
He wants an independent woman who does not depend on him at all he sees dependence is sickness
He was so self-centered that when I was in labor. He focused on how much discomfort
He was in because of feeling sleep-deprived because I needed to support now. This was her mind category
I was so desperate for belonging that it didn't matter what man I was with because of this I had no discernment with men I
Get like a starving person willing to eat poison food. I struggle with clinical depression
This is too much for me much less other men. I married him one month after meeting him
I was obsessed with pregnancy because it meant belonging to me. I wasn't concerned whether the man
I was with actually wanted it
I feel ashamed that I can't cope like normal people I didn't have the money for therapy at the time
So I didn't go to therapy which put all that pressure on my partner
I told him I could be a stay-at-home mom when I had in a support system, and it wasn't true
I didn't realize I couldn't do that because I couldn't see my limitations
3 do a meditation where you give back what isn't yours this means the
Responsibility or any shame that was placed on you that reflection in the mirror that may not have been actually about you
You basically give all that energy back now. You can create your own meditation or inner journey work process where you do this or
You can follow along with the meditation that I specifically created for this
To access the guided meditation that I offer for this process visit my website wwlp.com
and click shop on the menu for
If you take everything personally you were relying on other people's reflection to tell you who you really are
For this reason you struggle to find your own authenticity for this reason. I want you to watch my video titled how to be authentic
5 put yourself in other people's perspective
oftentimes when we're taking everything
Personally we haven't put ourselves in somebody else's shoes enough to see what's actually going on with them
For example if you put yourself in somebody else's shoes you may be able to feel oh wow that reaction really wasn't about what I?
Did it's the fact that
They're experiencing this thing in their life right now
Or this is their history or this is what it feels like to be them in the world
Now their reaction makes sense and it's not all about you
I have an exercise for doing this to understand it you can watch my video. That's titled the octopus technique
Step six you've got to face your own shame the root of taking things personally is shame. That's the bottom of it all
Your self-concept is shame
For that reason I want you to focus on resolving your shame
you can start by watching my video titled how to
Overcome shame we all take things the most personally when people hit our sensitive spots
For example if I feel confident that I doing something right I won't feel insecure
Take it personally when someone says I'm doing it wrong if I'm insecure that I'm overweight
I will take it personally if someone makes a joke about weight
Recognize that when we're taking things personally often a deep wound or sore spot that isn't healed as being triggered
To learn how to heal these old wounds try out my process called the completion process
Which is outlined in detail in my book titled the completion process?
Seven question the meaning that you are adding to each experience
This is what you're doing if you're taking things personally, you're making their reaction means something about you or about something you did
Now meaning does not inherently exist
So what we have to notice is you can either make something mean
Something that causes you pain or make something mean something that doesn't cause you pain
We need to ask ourselves what am I making this mean and then question that meaning that we've assigned to the experience?
for example imagine that somebody ignores you and you try to get their attention you
Could make it mean they are currently absorbed in their own thoughts or you can make it mean that you don't matter to them
You need to make sure that the meaning you've assigned to an experience is the actual meaning of the experience
And here's the thing you can allow other people to clarify
Hopefully you aren't with a total ass that just puts it all on you but most of the time you're not so you can
Clarify whether your meaning is actually accurate to what they mean by doing or saying something?
To understand more about how this works watch my video titled meaning the self-destruct button
8 it's time to recognize the egocentric
Worldview there's nothing innately wrong about this you
experience your life through your perspective and you're not changing perspectives that often so what you perceived that the entire world revolves in a
360-degree way around you but guess what everyone else thinks the same thing
Everyone thinks the world revolves around them and this is part of why we take things so personally
Because we assume everyone's thinking about us and everything is about us when it actually isn't
Most people are worried about themselves at the same time as you're worried about yourself
Most of the time two people are both taking something
So you have to start to recognize this egocentric worldview that all people possess in order to understand that very
little of what is actually happening has to do with you a
miniscule part of what people do is actually
personal
So what we have to do is to throw up the mirror and the image that
Reflected that everything negative is because of us and as a result of throwing up that mirror
You will see yourself and also the world more clearly
Have good week