- If you've been abused,
you've been told that it's not your fault
and you've heard that.
And you may believe that intellectually,
but do you believe it here?
Let's start to get you there, Mended Light.
(uplifting music)
There is an infamous scene from "Good Will Hunting"
where the therapist, Robin Williams,
confronts Matt Damon about his assumptions
that he has deep inside himself that his childhood abuse
was, in fact, his fault.
We're actually gonna watch that scene right now
and then we're gonna talk about, "It's not your fault."
Because so very often, if you suffered abuse by another,
they were fully invested in it being your fault, right?
And their behavior, they wanted to see themself
as a good person or portray themself as a good person,
so if they did something hurtful,
it's only because you made them
or because you antagonized them
or because you led them on.
They may have been invested in making you feel ashamed
or in you feeling pleasure
or making you feel anything where you would have some buy-in
that what happened is on you in any way, shape, or form.
But everyone is responsible for their own behavior.
And if you have endured abuse,
that is entirely on the person who abused you.
Let's watch this clip.
- [Will] What is it?
- [Sean] It's your file.
Gonna send it back to the judge for evaluation.
- Oh.
You're not gonna fail me, are you? (laughing)
What's it say?
- You wanna read it?
- Why?
Have you had any experience with that?
- 20 years of counseling,
yeah I've seen some pretty awful shit.
- [Will] I mean, have you had an experience with that?
- Personally?
- [Will] Yeah.
- Yeah, I have.
- Sure ain't good.
- My father was an alcoholic, mean (beep) drunk.
(feet thumping)
He'd come home hammered, looking to wail on somebody,
so I had to provoke him so he wouldn't go after my mother
and little brother.
Interesting nights were when he wore his rings.
- Yeah, he used to just put a wrench, a stick, and a belt
(feet thumping) on the table
and just say, "Choose."
- Oh, I gotta go with the belt there then.
- I used to go with the wrench.
- [Sean] Why the wrench?
- 'Cause (beep) him, that's why.
- Your foster father? - Yeah.
So what is it, like, "Will has an attachment disorder?"
Is it all that stuff?
Fear of abandonment?
Is that why I broke up with Skylar?
- I didn't know you had.
- [Will] Yeah, I did.
- So, so far, Will carries with him a lotta spite,
a lot of anger, and a lotta toughness and a lotta grit.
So that's how he survived.
But now it's hurting him in his relationship with Skylar,
this woman he's dating.
He broke up with her.
He pushed her away
because being vulnerable is scary.
And being vulnerable is essential
for a healthy relationship,
and he doesn't know anything about a healthy relationship.
Maybe some of you can relate to that.
You've been through hell and you're strong
and you're gritty and you're nasty sometimes,
but you just wanna feel safe and feel loved.
But feeling safe and loved is scary
because then you can lose it.
And so you sabotage.
And why do you sabotage?
Because maybe you believe that you're not really lovable
at the end of the day.
And that ties back into the person who abused you
making you feel like it's your fault.
I want you to pay attention to something that happens
with Will here.
His therapist is gonna tell him, "It's not your fault,"
and he's going, "Yeah, I know."
'Cause he knows that cognitively.
He knows that an adult abused a child, abused a teenager.
It's their fault.
But what we know here and what we know here
can be two different things.
And he hasn't really let it in to the core level
to truly believe that he's not at fault.
On a core level, he still believes that he's rotten.
So let's see what happens.
- Wanna talk about it? - No.
- Hey, Will?
I don't know a lot,
but you see this?
All this (beep),
this is not your fault.
- Yeah, I know that.
- Look at me, son.
It's not your fault.
- I know.
- [Sean] No, it's not your fault.
- It's like you're not letting it in.
You think I'm just expressing - I know.
- A platitude. - No, you don't.
- But I mean this. - It's not your fault.
- I know.
- [Sean] It's not your fault.
- [Will] All right.
- It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
- Don't (beep) with me.
- It's not your fault.
- Don't (beep) with me, all right.
Don't (beep) with me, Sean, not you.
- [Sean] It's not your fault.
(Will crying)
It's not your fault.
(Will crying)
- [Will] Oh God.
(somber music)
Oh God, I'm so sorry.
(Will crying continues)
- Some of you are watching this right now
and feeling that hug vicariously, right,
just through the screen.
- [Sean] (beep) Okay.
- It's like I say, you can know rationally
that it's not your fault,
but what's it gonna take for you to let it in here?
This is a movie.
Movies have big breakthroughs like this.
Movies have two hours to get the job done.
And you can have big breakthroughs like this,
but the fact is, usually it's a long, slow process.
And even after big breakthroughs, we backslide
into old ways of thinking.
Why is that? Neural pathways.
Neural pathways, I've heard it described
as the hiking trails of the brain.
You ever on a hiking trail,
a trail that gets used over and over and over and over again
is well-worn, clearly defined,
and when people are out hiking
and they see a trail that's overgrown with grass
and they see one that's well-worn,
they're gonna take the one that's well-worn.
Why?
Because it's clearly, this is the path to follow.
But what happens when your hiking trail is,
"I'm worthless, I'm shameful,
I am to blame for somebody else's awfulness?"
Because when you're young, you want to feel safe.
You wanted that when you're an adult,
but when you're young and you wanna feel safe,
you wanna believe that the adults in your life are safe.
And if they're not safe,
it's far easier to internalize the blame for that.
"This person is safe.
The only reason that they're not acting safe
is because of me.
It's my fault."
Because if I believe that it's my fault,
then I can change it, I can fix it.
And so as a child, you will internalize blame
for the behaviors of other people
because you want to believe they're safe
and that you can fix it if they're not,
because it all comes down to you.
Because if you're with somebody
and they're supposed to take care of you,
and they're hurting you, and no matter what you do,
it's not good enough, no matter what you do,
they're gonna hurt you,
then that's the scariest thing of all.
'Cause there's no safe place.
And so, the neural pathways get worn over
and over and over again.
"I'm bad, I'm at fault."
The hiking trail gets carved and carved
and carved deep, and this is by the way,
not figurative, this is literal.
Neural pathways are literal trails
that the neurons follow in your brain.
That's why it's so hard to change your thinking.
It's like carving a new hiking trail, right,
where there's the brush and the debris and the rocks
and the sticks and the trees and everything to clear out.
So how do we form new neural pathways?
How do we think differently about ourselves?
'Cause you can rationally see and accept
that you are not to blame,
but accepting it emotionally
and having that be the thought process
that you naturally go to,
that only happens when you embrace a new way of thinking.
And what that means is when you slide back
into the old hiking trail, into the old way of thinking,
that you catch yourself and redirect.
I would imagine Will in the weeks and months after this
is still gonna have times where he feels ashamed,
is still gonna have times when he feels to blame,
is still gonna have times
where he feels guilty and unworthy.
And it's gonna feel very real.
And when things feel real, we don't question them as much.
But he needs to question it and say,
"Am I on the old hiking trail?
I wanna be on the new one."
How do you get rid of those feelings
of unworthiness, of guilt?
The more you stay in, "It's not my fault,"
the more you stay in,
"They are responsible for their behavior, not me,"
the more you stay in,
"I can carve a new future for myself,"
then the old hiking trail will start to get overgrown
from lack of use.
The old neural pathways will start to dissipate
and disappear and you won't naturally think
that way anymore.
So, if you've been abused,
no matter if they blamed you, shamed you, guilted you,
made you feel some pleasure mixed in with the pain
and all the emotional torment to confuse you,
if someone chose to hurt you, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
If you enjoyed this video,
I have another one for you,
how do you know if you have dissociative identity disorder?
Let me ask you, what would you like me to answer?
What questions do you have for me to answer
in these Ask a Therapist segments?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you need help through a trauma,
if you need help through an abusive past or present,
at Mended Light, we're here to help you with that.
We have specialists on our team who can counsel you.
Go to mendedlight.com and select a free
15-minute discovery call with any member of our team.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm Jonathan Decker.
Keep shining, we need your light.
(uplifting music)