[Applause]
hi it is so good to be here with Conan
and Andy and you it is also so good to
be in 2020 for me personally really good
to be in 2020 2019
not the best year of my life I got
divorced in 2019 oh thank you thank you
and a couple and a couple claps you know
I will say it does make me a bit of a
pioneer you know a gay divorcee we've
okay I haven't even had that long enough
to realize that it rhymes
that's hilarious we could have been
laughing about that for a longer period
of time but we didn't have our rights
was really the main obstacle um this is
tough for me to admit to you as an
artist but my parents are together
my folks are together I come from a
stable home why am I doing this my folks
are in love they're best friends they've
been together for 50 years
their bodies are morphing so they look
more like each other every day they
share one pair of clogs for gardening
that's what I'm from and I'm getting a
divorce it feels it feels unfair I will
also say you know I felt I felt like I
lost some identity I really didn't know
what to do with myself it's not just sad
it's disorienting I mean in 20 19 I took
a spoon carving class that is what it is
like getting a divorce you're just
shouting into the void do I like to
carve spouts
what do I like 2019 the year of my life
when I put an alka-seltzer into a
Lacroix the minimum number of bubbles I
needed I needed to leave the house that
day I dyed my hair in 2019 I never tied
my hair in my life but I dyed my hair I
looked amazing
I went white it was all white it looked
so good but then I had to add some color
back in because men would not stop
congratulating me on winning the World
Cup
yeah no I bow now but that is a real
thing from my actual life it was very
difficult to be in airports you know
when we fought for marriage equality we
went with love is love that's what we
went with as a community our message I
wish we had said love is love but queer
is specific I wish we had gone with
that because I feel like I've been in my
trauma and I've been having to do
education like a lot of my straight
friends said to me oh my god you're
going through it put on a breakup song
okay sure but there is not a Beyonce
song for instance that applies to my
life right now
yeah lonely it is to exist off the edge
of the Beyonce catalogue
she's got instructions for what you're
supposed to do in terms of a breakup
you're supposed to you invite your
girlfriends over and then you're like
there's a boy and you say goodbye but
that has nothing to do with my life
there's no girlfriends my girlfriend
there's no boy it's just a mutually
shared group of non-binary people just a
quorum of A's who can see both sides and
there is no song about that yet I feel
like I was meeting with a divorce lawyer
that person was asking me what about
kids kids factored into this are you out
of your mind I said we couldn't afford
to buy kids
this is 90% about pet visitation I swear
to God I swear to God and every queer
couple I know who has split is dealing
with an elaborate and court-mandated pet
visitation schedule if there was a way
for GPS to indicate this you would see
most traffic in every major city is just
used stick-shift Subarus carding dogs
with hyphenated last names back and
forth between vegetarian restaurants we
are messing with your cities anything's
not gonna stop I'm Cameron Esposito
thank you so much
[Applause]