- I look over his shoulder
and I realized that my son is watching a film.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop music)
So my son, what he likes to do now,
like I said, Frankie likes to stay home and watch videos.
I come downstairs one morning and he's on his phone
but the chair that he's sitting in is turned
facing the window which I thought was weird.
So I call to him, "Frankie, what are you doing?"
Nothing. So he can't hear?
"Frankie!" He can't hear.
So I walked up from behind
and I realized that my son has the little headphones.
So I said oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, he's not ignoring me.
So I look over his shoulder and I realize
that my son is watching a film
(audience laughing)
and I don't mean "Frozen."
(audience laughing)
But those people look cold.
(audience laughing)
So now I'm standing there watching it with him.
(audience laughing)
I'm not trying to bond or anything,
I'm just trying to figure out the conversation
I need to have.
And now we're both watching professionals.
(audience laughing)
So I grab his headphone
and I went, (hand pounds) "Hey, is that a good movie?"
And he freaked out (screams) and he threw the phone.
(audience laughing)
The phone came partially undone and you could hear it.
(audience laughing)
Oh, it was bad.
"Not my face.
Not my face.
Not my face."
(audience laughing)
He turned bright red and he starts walking back over.
"How embarrassing. How long have you been standing there?"
I said, "Long enough to know not my face."
(audience laughing)
"Are you gonna tell my mom?"
I said, "Frankie, I love you way too much to do that to you.
I would never tell your mom.
I'ma tell everybody else."
(audience laughing)
(Fluffy laughing)
Hey, don't tell his mom.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Look, I know you're not gonna stop
watching stuff like this,
so just do me a favor.
Don't do this here.
You're old enough now to watch whatever you want to watch,
but as long as you live in this house,
you cannot be watching stuff like that
where your mom can catch you.
You're not going to stop, so just don't do it here."
"How do you know I'm not gonna stop?"
"'Cause I haven't stopped.
(everyone laughing)
Matter of fact, there's a sequel to that.
(audience laughing)
It's called "Not My Hair."
(audience laughing)
Somebody (speaks in foreign language).
I know, right?
(audience laughing)
I said, "Frankie, if you're gonna watch stuff like that,
just go in your room.
Lock your door.
I don't want to catch you, okay?
So let me know."
"Want me to text you?"
"Nevermind."
(audience laughing)
- That nigga came to me a few months ago.
He said, "Daddy, I want an Xbox."
I said, "Sit right here, Pimpin'.
Let Daddy holler at you.
Now the first thing I need you to understand is
the Xbox is $199.99.
Now Daddy can do this all day, every day, no problem.
But I need you to understand
it only comes with one controller.
That means Daddy can't play with you.
Your friends can't play with you.
It's just you.
That mean I gotta buy another control at $34.95.
Now Daddy can do this all day, every day, no problem.
But I need you to understand
it only come with two demo games.
You're gonna be through with them mother fuckers tonight.
(audience laughing)
That mean I got to buy four, five other games
at $45 to $55 a piece.
Now Daddy can do this all day, every day, no problem.
Or I can look in the newspaper under the classified section
and I can get you what's known as a Nintendo 64.
(audience laughing)
Now it's not gonna be new.
So it's gonna come with like 20 games
that other kids have already opened and playing with
to make sure it's fun.
(audience laughing)
Then me and you got like $300 left over.
We can go all across the country
and stopping ice cream trucks, buy six nuggets.
Don't eat six, eat three.
Throw the other three out the window
'cause we don't give a fuck
'cause we got money like that."
And that nigga sitting right there make a pimp decision.
He just, "You say 20 games?
(audience laughing)
Well we just gone and get the Nintendo then, Daddy."
"That's my mother fucking nigga.
Make a pimp decision."
(audience clapping)
- Gotta wait for my wife to leave
and then I coach my son on my year-long project,
getting even with that bully.
"All right, buddy, honey, come on.
We're going to practice, okay.
We're just going to pretend that I'm the bully
and I step up to you, right?
No, you don't gotta be afraid.
We're just pretending, okay?
And I say to you
I come from a long line
of civil war blah-blah-blah whatever.
You're going to say to him
it doesn't matter because we were here first.
We jumped-started America even before Columbus,
that genocidal, pedophilic rapist.
Buddy, I'll tell you it's gonna shut the hell
out of that bully, okay, my man?
All right, so we good?
We good?"
"No, Dad, no.
We didn't even go over my history homework, Dad."
(audience laughing)
"All right, honey, all right.
I'm sorry, my bad, my bad, right.
So what's the assignment?"
"Dad, I gotta do my project on heroes that I look up to."
"Well dude, do it on some Latin heroes!
Come on, man, come on.
It's a great idea.
All right, all right, you know what?
We'll talk about it later.
But you got your marching orders, right?
All right, so go play like a normal kid.
No man, you got this.
You got to go, go play.
Go, go, go, go, go, go."
And I thought my son was gonna crush it in class,
but he goes up to present on Columbus Day
in front of his class
and he's all like, "I know we've got lots of Latin heroes.
I'm just working on getting their names and dates right now.
But I do know for certain that Columbus was
a genocidal, pedophilic, rapist."
(audience laughing and clapping)
Of course the bully corners my son in the boys' bathroom.
He's like, "Shut up, your project sucks!
Why don't you go back to your country, asswipe?"
"Ow, ow, ow, why don't you go back?
'Cause we were here first, stupid."
"Oh yeah? Prove it, dickface."
"Ow, ow, I will, I will.
I just got nothing on the facts right now."
(audience laughing)
"You're damn straight you ain't got nothing
'cause you're the Kings of Nothing.
Come here, King of Nothing.
Come here, come here, 'cause I'm gonna crown your ass.
Come here. What, are you gonna run?
You better run home and kill yourself, you little bitch!"
So my poor little broken man comes home
and he's all like, "Dad, you just make up
all this shit, Dad.
(audience laughing)
I'm never gonna believe you again."
And he runs into his room.
So I put on my best dad hat
and I go to him and I says, "Buddy, honey,
I'm sorry, but life is going to fuck you sometimes.
It just is.
And you're going to have to, I don't know,
just keep changing positions until it feels good somehow."
(audience laughing)
Okay, that didn't come out
the way I meant it to come out.
(audience laughing)
Nah, nah, nah.
"Honey, honey, what I'm trying to say to you, buddy.
(door slams)
Buddy, honey.
Honey, what I'm trying to say to you is
I made sure you grew up better than me
so you wouldn't have experienced this.
But in the streets, you can't let nobody punk you, man.
So you got my permission
to sucker punch that bully's ass, all right?"
And my son opens the door and he's like,
(door creaking)
"But Dad, Gandhi said,
(audience laughing)
Gandhi said that if we all took an eye for an eye,
that the whole world would just be blind, Dad."
"Oh, but buddy, honey, Gandhi couldn't think straight
'cause he was always hungry."
(audience laughing)
(door slamming)
My son. My son doesn't get it.
He doesn't know how the real world works,
but I do, I do, hell yeah.
And as my father once said and I wrote it down
because he never said anything else to me again.
I was afraid I'd forget.
(audience laughing)
Here, let me, let me.
"Every man has to measure himself in life.
And how do you measure a man's value?
By when he's tested in battle."
So yo, I was going to go to war on my son's behalf
and get him real facts and real Latin war heroes.
So behind his back
I get a copy of his eighth grade history textbook.
And I'm looking for Latin heroes
and I'm looking for Latin contributions
and I'm looking from cover to cover
and there is nothing (speaks in a foreign language), dick.
(audience laughing)
I mean it's unbelievable, man.
Not one fucking sentence, not one fucking chapter.
Not a goddamn mentioned
as if we've been absent all these fucking centuries.
And yo, I gotta fess up.
That shit started to get me down.
That is until I get turned onto Howard Zinn's
"A People's History of the United States"
(audience clapping)
which should be required reading for every kid in America
because yo, this book opened up the world to me, man.
Because even in the first chapter
he proves that our contributions were even bigger
than what I thought
because we also gave you tomatoes, potatoes, chocolate.
Try living without that shit, man.
Hammocks, canoes, chili peppers,
tobacco, anesthesia, brain surgery.
And people from Jersey and Long Island?
Fucking hockey.
(audience laughing)
And yo, it's not like the Europeans didn't give us anything.
No, 'cause they gave us typhus, cholera, malaria,
measles, tuberculosis, Black Plague,
the common cold, diptheria, chicken pox,
whooping cough, leprosy,
and don't forget rats, roaches, and pigeons.
(hip hop music)