Translator: Alexane Leprince Reviewer: Minh Chau Nguyen
So here is a PDD person.
PDD person!
PDD for pervasive developmental disorder.
What? Pervasive?
Don't worry, this isn't contagious.
It's not like the Treasury either
which invades you until your homes.
No, this is much simpler,
it's popularly known as autism.
Well, I admit that PDD sounds stylish
while autism does not so much.
I always say that the difference between PDD and autism
is the same that between a homeless person and a tramp.
It's the same thing but with different words.
(Applause)
On the other hand,
autistic people are said to live in their own bubble.
But there are 500 000 people with autism in France,
so many people live in that bubble.
And I can assure you that we have fun.
We have a great time.
Maybe we have a greater time
than "Mr. Me, I president."
(Applause)
He's alone in his own bubble. All alone.
(Laughs)
Moreover, it seems that...
Well - that's what I was told -
this poor guy has to undergo the so called "ordeal of caviar."
The "ordeal of caviar"
consists of having to swallow, several times a day,
a disgusting substance
exploding in your mouth and on your teeth
when tasting it.
Other ordeals await the little man.
It seems that
there is also the ordeal of "champagne".
Champagne, this fermented beverage,
while my parents had always told me
not to eat mouldy or rotten food.
(Laughs)
So, you know...
Then, as a PDD person,
I don't smoke.
Not necessarily for philosophical reasons,
but simply, how can one buy cigarettes?
Where can you buy it online?
I don't know, it requires social skills.
So, no alcohol, no caviar, no tobacco,
or any other substances.
As you can see,
being autistic is ecological, economical...
(Applause)
every eco-something you want.
In short, I think being autistic should be repaid by the social security.
(Laughs) (Applause)
This being so,
don't count on me
to attend any pin-giving ceremony,
more or less golden or other,
as I have my Ethiopian grammar class at this time
that I can't miss,
and anyway,
I'm not fond of this kind of social drama.
By the way, I have a secret to tell you.
One of my close friend
is an eminent linguist,
he's now doctor of Linguistics,
and the day of his dissertation viva, I was worried about him.
"How is he going to manage for hours
the continuous flow of questions,
more or less trick?" I thought.
And the very evening, I received an email.
He writes to me at a fixed time in the evening
and he said: "the viva went well."
I certainly believed him,
"But the drink after it was unbearable."
(Laughs)
Your servant solved the problem more directly:
there was no drink to my viva.
That solved the problem.
But, you know, it was hard.
I had a bad start,
a really bad start.
See by yourself:
I was born on the same day and year as Britney Spears.
(Laughs)
The only good thing is that
now I know at least one celebrity
which I can talk about
during the dinner parties I can't avoid.
That's at least one thing.
On the other hand, I was born
in the former buildings of Charenton asylum.
As it was used to say,
The "royal house of Charenton for old books lovers."
So, that's where I was born.
I can tell you, it was a pretty bad start.
When my parents saw me,
they said: "we're not having kids anymore."
(Laughs)
And then school age came.
Well, no need to tell you that I was in great difficulty
as my teachers would always say back then,
I did not start school.
Indeed, I couldn't make hoop,
and I still can't.
I still don't have the skills required in Year 1.
If I had repeated, I don't know,
a dozen times,
it wouldn't have been enough.
Indeed, you see,
The Ministry of National Education
thinks you need to know how to make hoop
before working out triple integrals.
Not the contrary. (Laughs)
(Applause)
If you know how to work out triple integrals,
you don't start school.
Plus, if you go back to your psychologist,
you really look nut.
You'll get tiny pills.
That's what happened to me for years.
I became, I think, a great friend of various laboratories.
I must indeed have contributed to their health.
Moreover, psychatrists at the time
were extremely competent.
They could empty your bank account within a few minutes.
And according to the favourite expression,
remember that,
by check you'll never pay,
or everything will go away.
You must pay cash,
which has of course other advantages,
but well, I only understood it later.
So the years passed,
and at primary school
I was struggling anyway
because I had become aware of something terrible.
I realised that my Year 4 teacher was uncultivated.
She didn't even know Ramesses II's successor.
It also seemed
she didn't know the capital of Belize.
Honestly ! Nonsense !
And so the years passed.
At secondary school, nobody wanted to sit next to me.
Anyway, I would come more or less regularly.
But once in sixth-form college, things got different.
Oddly enough, it took me some time to understand
why some wanted to sit next to me
especially before math exams.
(Laughs)
Well, some social equations can't be solved.
Such is life they say.
Then, later on
I'm now almost free,
I study for pleasure.
I can choose my classes, which is great.
So for a certain time I attended Ethiopian classes.
These classes do perfectly fit autism.
You're alone with the teacher.
(Laugh)
(Applause)
By the way,
the teacher, how can I put this?,
isn't so different than us. (Laughs)
So we got along extremely well.
I also attend, and hopefully, it will begin this year,
Old Avestan classes.
We're a larger group: we're 3.
The 2 guys passionately argue
about the formations of Sigmatic Aorist
into Vedic Sanskrit
compared to Avestan forms.
And then I tell them "Stop it! Go back to what really matters!"
(Laughs)
"Think about the essential things of life.
For instance, the transition from the Sumerian to the Akkadian writing."
(Laughs)
You see, that's how we have a great time.
(Laughs)
One thing should be noted.
Some say, at least, that's what is written in erudite treatises:
autism goes along with relationship problems.
I would say: not necessarily.
For instance,
I absolutely have no relationship problem
with my mother-in-law.
(Laughs)
And I would even go as far as to say
that according to my little unvalidated statistics
99% of people having relationship problems with their mothers
are not autistic.
(Laughs)
So, at the office, it was complicated.
I had a little... privilege.
I have a title.
I'm the guy who failed
all his job interviews. All of them.
Earlier this afternoom
we had this brilliant talk about Aikido Management.
My life is more about failure management.
(Laugh)
Just to tell you how unsporting I am.
Well, anyway,
for a few years now,
I've had the chance to have a boss
who doesn't care about my clothing.
He was born blind. (Laughs)
That's convenient.
I dedicate the free time that I have to one of my recent hobby,
which has remained a bit secret until now:
I collect small sized water bottles.
This one is from Corsica.
It has to be handled carefully.
(Laughs)
But I'm proud of my little collection.
Then, for a few years,
I've been an entertainer in autism.
Just like there are travellers,
there are autistic travellers.
Now, for lack of being friend with pharmacologists,
I'm friend with French hotel keepers.
Soon I will ask for my little permit
so I can access to the parking area
dedicated to autistic travellers.
Well, you know, people often talk about curing,
curing persons with autism.
What comes up when you speak to an autism specialist,
"specialists" in quotes,
one of the words you'll hear first
is the suffering. You suffer.
And as one of my autistic friend told me:
the suffering of autistic people
is a vital need for the psychiatric.
Of course !
Otherwise... (Applause)
But in order to disprove some rumours,
it's important to note that I studied medicine.
For two hours. (Laughs)
I went in the wrong lecture hall and I didn't dare to go out.
That's why, actually.
We can laugh about it, laugh is welcomed.
But, I can assure you that a large number of great experts
with pretentious titles
had often less than a two-hour class
about autism
during all their years at university.
Unfortunately.
So...
Let's take a practical example.
When a child with autism ask you:
"What does pass out mean?"
To pass out,
going outside, that's it?
Or, what does "cutting corners" mean?
Making something round.
Pictures are the first language.
That's how children with autism
understand language.
Is it a defect ? Do we have to cure it?
In my opinion, it's a minor defect
compared with what "cutting corners" actually means to many politicians.
(Laughs)
(Applause)
I can give you an electoral data,
it seems that 99% of politicians
with whom it's impossible to communicate
are not autistic.
(Applause)
And there, unfortunately,
any of the existing therapies seems to be fruitful.
What should we do?
That's very annoying.
By the way, I barely dare to say it,
but it's whispered in the small autistic community,
Marseilles inhabitants tricked us.
They really did.
They didn't want Mrs Carlotti.
So we, disabled persons, we'll have to...
Anyway, that's our problem.
I also would like to add something,
Nowadays we talk about educating autistic children.
Good, it should be done.
But I would like to note something,
I know numerous non-autistic children
who need to adapt themselves at school.
I think that the adaptations set up
at school for children with autism
are beneficial to other children first ,
to every children.
It has been proven.
When you add an autistic children in a classroom,
the school and class level increases.
It's the same in companies.
Have you heard that,
during last summer,
SPA, the German software giant
announced that it would hire hundreds of collaborators
with autism.
We heard crazy things in the French press!
"Merkel even wants to enslave persons with autism."
So, let's calm down a little.
These people will just have a good job
and will be paid depending their skills.
And in a few years, if SPA's results
are even better than today,
we'll cry foul over a German plot against France.
(Applause)
You know, a device has been placed here, before my eyes,
it's called a timer.
It's frequently used in facilities
designed to receive persons with autism
because autistic persons can't manage their time.
These facilities are said to be the worst by the way.
But once again, I can assure you
most of people who have trouble managing their time
are non-autistic persons.
So I'll come to my two last sentences,
if I may.
First:
Autistic people are said to live in their own bubble,
I know numerous non-autistic people living in thick bubbles
with whom no communication is possible.
Being interested in pi number decimals,
is not stupider or rarer
than memorising football results.
(Laughs)
(Applause)
On the other hand, I'm thinking...
I could go on like this for hours,
especially because, I didn't tell you,
I have the Fidel Castro syndrome.
I just would like to tell you a story.
A great man came to France a few years ago.
Stephen Shore, an American.
And so when he was a young child,
at the time, in the 1960s-1970s,
American doctors knew as much
as what French doctors know today about autism.
So they told his parents:
"Well... Some parents have a dog at home,
you, you'll have this child."
Many years later,
little Stephen became a grown-up.
Yes, autistic children become adults too.
Some don't know it, but it's a fact.
So many years later,
Stephen was now professor at Boston University
and when he came to France, at the end of his lecture,
someone asked him a question:
"Mr. Shore, you're married but why don't you have children?"
And he answered:
"My wife and I decided not to have children
because he might NOT be autistic."
(Laughs)
Thank you. (Applause)