If you do a good job as a parent your kids turn into adults.
How do I help my grown child make better choices for their future?
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a clinical psychologist specializing with positive family relationships
and this one comes up a lot. My own kids are grown as well. I've got some powerful tips for you,
but it comes with a warning so do not leave this video, until you get the warning. Let's lay some
groundwork here first. As parents, we develop habits of control. If you haven't noticed this yet your
kids probably have and they can tell that there's a controlled battle that develops sometimes
between parents and kids. This is natural because when your kids are little, remember when they were
babies you had to do everything for them. You're controlling literally every aspect of their life.
All they can do is make a big noise and a big stink and that's about it. So, you're handling
everything else. Well, when they start to get older they start to take more control over their life.
That's not natural for us as parents. It's not natural for us to let go of that control
just because our kids are getting older. Now, when they become adults those young adult years are so
interesting because they haven't yet got to the point where they can do everything for themselves
necessarily. But they still want the independence. I remember when my youngest my daughter turned
21 and she came to me and proudly announced, "Dad, I'm an adult", and then she got this nervous look
on her face and she said, "But I'm a baby adult. Because she wasn't quite ready to take it all on",
and as parents would get into the habit of taking control or being in charge of it or calling the
shots and that's hard to give up. So, just notice that that's happening. I'm not saying that it's
bad or that it's wrong. I'm just saying, "Yeah, that's part of the deal", let's notice it. The question is,
how do I help my grown child make better choices for their future? I have a question for you.
Did they ask you for help? That's an important question. Usually, the answer to that is no, they
haven't asked and most of the young adults that I interview aren't interested in your opinions
about what they should be doing. Does this sound familiar? Connect with that
for a minute. If they're not asking for help, why are you feeling so inclined to give it?
Let's acknowledge at this point what your job is. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if.
Now, do we need to play the even if game? Even if they choose something that you don't approve of?
Even if they take on a life's occupation that you don't think is completely what they're capable of?
Even if they hate you and I use these because I'm totally not making them up. These are things
that I talk to my clients about on a daily basis. It comes up in our coaching calls that.
These things are happening and you recognize this, okay. Your job is to love them no matter what
and even if they're going to go make their choices your job doesn't change you get to love them even
if they're in jail yes even if they hurt you in some way yes it's still your job to love them
no matter what and even if now i know i'm making a big deal out of that but this is so essential
to where we need to go with the next part of our conversation so connect to that your job is to
love them no matter what and even if hopefully that comes as a relief too a lot of the parents
that i'm coaching express that when they latch onto that idea it's like oh well i can do that
that's easy that's part of why we're going to start there let me contrast this with what we
think our job is sometimes we might think that our job is to make sure that they now you fill
in the blanks make sure that they're happy really can you make sure that they're happy how's that
going for you how about make sure that they choose good choices hang out with good friends
make sure that they apply themselves well in their schooling or education make sure that they get a
job make sure that they produce or contribute to society in responsible ways do you hear the theme
make sure that they, make sure that they, make sure that they. Notice how exhausting that job is
and you suck at it, you're not very good at this. Have you noticed? You can't make sure that they.
This is in their control and that's why I emphasize your job is to love them
no matter what and even if. Okay, now, you're going to have thoughts about, "But what about?", I know and
here's the catch. When you do your job well when you choose to love them no matter what and even if
you are going to feel some pain. I know, I'm sorry. I can't change that. When you love your kids
the most painful thing in the world is to watch them running off of a cliff or throwing away an
opportunity or experiencing pain and difficulty in their own life. It's just an indicator that
you're doing your job. If you do your job well you will feel some pain. Why is that important?
Because our brain is designed to protect us from pain and what that means is as parents
sometimes we become over-controlling, over-involved, micromanaging, why? To avoid
our own pain. Let's be real about that, I invite you to go deep on this. To take a look inside of your
own heart and mind. You become over-controlling to avoid your own pain of seeing your kids in pain
but it's not working. It doesn't work. Have you noticed it just creates more conflict? So, we're
going to let go of that. What this means is you get to start feeling whatever you're going to feel
as you choose to continue to love your young adult child regardless of what their choices are.
Be ready for the ride, buckle up. I remember telling Vicki this when our youngest turned 21. I said,
"Honey, buckle up because we're not driving. But you sure as heck are along for the ride, aren't you?".
Connect with that if you would at some level. Because when you realize that you're doing
it to avoid your own pain? It's going to put you in a position to have much more powerful
impactful and influential behaviors toward your child who is now no longer a child they're an
adult let's face it. So, you get to approach them very differently than when they were little
and you controlled everything. Brace yourself and now that you're buckled up I'm going to let you
in on something. Your grown child doesn't want your help. Now, maybe they do in some ways but
let them ask for it when they want it. If you're trying to impose it and it's unwanted
you will get pushback. You will get the resistance and it will hurt your relationship.
So, let's back off of the control. We're not going to try to make sure that they anything and
we'll shift our focus now over to influence and communication. Now, communication deserves its own
full-on training and I've developed a little cheat sheet for you. So, I like to give away freebies when
I'm trying to help you with these principles. The URL on your screen right now will take you right
to a free communication cheat sheet. I've put this together for you with a couple of tips that are
going to help on the communication front and we'll handle that in some other videos as well. But go grab it
drpauljenkins.com/communication. I get that right to your inbox and
that's going to help with the communication piece. Now, a little word about influence.
You do have influence, you don't have control, okay. Once they become adults they're kind of
running the show for themselves. You do continue to have influence and this is an important asset to
you as a parent. You think about the people who have influenced you, okay. They are not
trying to control your life, are they? No. The people who have the most profound influence on you
are sincerely interested in you. They care about how you feel about yourself.
They're invested in your choices for yourself without trying to influence them and it's
interesting that those who are not trying to influence us often have the greatest influence.
Follow that clue a little bit. You can have a position with your young adult children
where they look to you as a wise mentor someone that they want to tap into but they can also fire
you completely. Because they're in a position where they can control their own life now. They can shut
you out. They can turn you off and we don't want that to happen because we love them, right? Your job
is to love them no matter what and even if. Give up on the control shift over to communication and
influence work on that relationship. Because that's what gives them the reason to stay connected to you.
You don't have to lose this relationship but you will have to give up on the control.
I'm going to give you three messages that you can replace the control with before I do that. If this
really resonates with you, would you do two things. Click that subscribe button. I promise I will bring
you additional videos that are going to help you in this process on a weekly basis. New content all
the time and would you also think about who do you know who could use this information as well
and just share this video with them. Now, let's get to those three messages. The three messages I would
encourage you to use with your all of your kids really but especially with your grown children.
Message number one, we've already talked about, I love you no matter what and even if. Make that a
consistent strong message that you deliver in so many ways that there is no question in their mind
that you love them unconditionally. That's message number one. Message number two, if you have any
questions ask. Now, notice this is very different from trying to jump in or insert yourself or
micromanage your control. You're simply saying, "Hey, I'm here. I've been around the block a few times
you're not going to cram it down their throats. If you have any questions ask". Message number three,
good luck. Yeah, that's it. Good luck. You're driving your life
I'm driving mine. It's gonna be hard out there but I trust you to make good decisions for yourself
good luck with that and don't forget messages one and two, I love you no matter what, and even if and
if you have any questions ask. How does that feel to you? Does that feel so much better than trying
to control things which you're really not very good at anyway? Let's finish with a warning and
this is an important warning. If your agenda is to change their behavior. They will smell that from a
mile away and you will get resistance. You should get resistance to that because that's kind of a
controlling approach. If your agenda is to change their behavior they will push back, guaranteed.
That's the warning. So, look inside of yourself. Let's see if we can get your agenda back to
loving them no matter what and even if. Be ready for the pain that comes because it's guaranteed
and then let's shift over to communication and influence as you send those three powerful
messages. I love you no matter what and even if. If you have any questions ask. Good luck.
I told you I'm not going to leave you hanging. Next up for you is three big skills every parent
of a young adult must know and master. Cue that one up next. Let's continue this conversation.