>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP
COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME
OWEN SMITH!
(APPLAUSE) >> ALL RIGHT, WOW.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YEAH, SO I AM MARRIED.
SORRY LADIES.
(LAUGHTER) I GOT MARRIED LATER IN LIFE IS
MY WIFE IS OLDER.
SHE NOT OLDER THAN ME, SHE'S JUST OLDER THAN WHAT I THOUGHT
MY WIFE WOULD BE.
LIKE MY EGO WANTED ONE IN HER 20S, YOU KNOW, CUZ IT'S EASY TO
IMPRESS A WOMAN IN HER 20S.
ALL YOU NEED IS A PLACE WITH TWO BATHROOMS.
ARE THOSE TWO BATHROOMS, OH, YOU A BALLER,, FLUSH FLUSH,, WHO IS
YOU.
BUT GIRLS IN THEIR 20S BE LIKE I WANT YOU TO BE FAITHFUL, AND
HAVE A SIX PACK.
YOU NEED TO CHOOSE.
(LAUGHTER) I'M NOT WORKING THAT HARD FOR
JUST YOU.
I NEEDED TO HOP UP A DECADE TO FIND MY PERSON.
I NEEDED ME A WOMAN WITH AILMENTS.
(LAUGHTER) I NEEDED A DEF YAITED ACCEPT TUM
IN MY LIFE.
-- SEPTUM IN MY LIFE.
DOCTOR SAY IT'S DEVIATED.
>> I SEE YOUR TWO LITTLE BATHROOMS.
I FELL FOR MY WIFE ON OUR SECOND DATE, THOSE AILMENTS WERE REAL.
WE WENT FOR A WALK AND I REMEMBER SHE JUST YELLED OUT,
SLOW DOWN, I DON'T HAVE NO CART LADGE IN MY LEFT KNEE, OKAY?
I AM IN LOVE.
IF SHE NOT ON DIE ALL SIS WE MIGHT BE A MATCH.
FELLAS, I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN YOU READY FOR A WIFE, I HIGHLY
RECOMMEND WOMEN IN THEIR 30S.
THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
THEY LIVE LIFE A LITTLE BIT SO THEY GOT CRAZY STORIES.
THEN HE LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE SEXIEST THING ABOUT
THEM, SEXY THING ABOUT WOMEN IN THEIR 30S IS THEY HAVE HAD THEIR
PRINCESS DREAM KNOCKED RIGHT OUT OF THEM.
THEY ARE JUST A RIGHT AMOUNT OF BITTER.
HMMMM, WHOOO.
IF YOU MEET A WOMAN OVER 35 AND SINGLE, I'M WILLING TO BET THAT
WAS NOT THE PLAN.
YEAH, SINGLE WOMEN OVER 35 HAVE BEEN LIED TO BEFORE.
SO SHE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE NOTHING YOU SAY.
EVERY TIME YOU TALK YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL LIKE ARE YOU ON
LAW & ORDER.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE WAITING TO HEAR DUMB DUMB AT THE END OF
ALL-- -- DUM DUM AT THE END OF YOUR SENTENCE, MY WIFE DIDN'T
TRUST MY HELLO WHEN WE FIRST MET, HEY, BEAUTIFUL, HOW ARE YOU
DOING.
>> HUH-UH, YOU DON'T KNOW ME YET, TALKING ABOUT HI.
SHE WAS SUSPICION OF EVERYTHING.
WHEN WE WERE DATING IT WAS RAINING OUTSIDE.
I CAME IN THE HOUSE WET FROM THE RAIN.
HEY, BABY.
HUH-UH, WHY YOU WET?
WHAT'S ALL THIS RIGHT HERE.
>> BABY, IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE.
>> JUST CHECKING.
(LAUGHTER) WHO LIED TO YOU ABOUT THE
WEATHER BEFORE?
WHO TRICKED YOU ABOUT OUTSIDE, BABY?
IT'S JUST OUTSIDE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.
AGAIN, BEFORE WE WERE DATING, I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AND HI A GIG
HERE, RIGHT.
SHE WANTED ME TO CALL HER AS SOON AS MY FLIGHT LANDED, YOU
KNOW, FOR THE CHECK-IN.
I DID IT TOO HEY, BABY, I'M IN NEW YORK.
AND I FOUND MYSELF IN THIS WEIRD SECTION WITH ALL THE HUSBANDS
DOING IT.
>> YEP, WE MADE IT, YEP, WE'RE SAFE.
>> CALL FROM YOU THE HOTEL THEN, 45.
TURNING ON LOCATION SERVICES.
(LAUGHTER) THEN SHE GOES YOU IN NEWTYORK.
>> YEAH.
>> HUH-UH BABY, I'M HERE, THEN TAKE A PICTURE WITH THE PAPER.
LATCH (LAUGHTER)
>> WHAT?
>> FIND A NEWSPAPER, TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME TEXT IT TO ME.
I LIKE NEW YORK NEWSPAPERS.
>> DON'T THEY DO THAT WITH KIDNAP VICTIMS?
I NEVER HEARD NOTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE SO I ASKED A MARRIED
DUDES, WOE, WHAT SHOULD I DO.
YOU BETTER FIND A PAPER.
LIKE WE BECAME A TEAM, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE DUDES, THEY TOOK
MY CAMERA PHONE, SHOWED ME HOW TO STAND WITH THE PAPER.
(LAUGHTER) ONE DUDE KEPT YELLING POINT AT
THE DATE, POINT AT THE DATE!
(LAUGHTER) THEY TOOK MY PICTURE, I TEXT IT
TO HER, I CALLED HER LIKE IT WAS A NASTY PIQUE, LIKE YO, YOU GET
MY PAGES.
THAT'S ALL ME RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, I GOT T YOU THINK I'M STUPID OR SOMETHING, OWEN?
DO I LOOK LIKE BOOBOO THE FOOL TO YOU, IS THAT WHAT WE ARE
DOING.
"THE NEW YORK TIMES."
I ASKED YOU TO SEN ME A PAPER TO PROVE YOU IN NEW YORK AND YOU
SEND ME A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER?
>> WELL, WHAT YOU WANT?
>> IF YOU REALLY IN NEW YORK, I WANT THE DAILY NEWS.
MARRIED DUDES WENT YO, SHE KNOW HER PERIODICALS.
SO I HAD TO GO BACK IN THE AIRPORT, STAND IN LINE, BUY A
PLANE TICKET TO NEW YORK.
(APPLAUSE) YOU CAN SEE HIM REGULARLY AT THE
WORLD FAMOUS-- OWEN SMITH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.