welcome back to the show those of you
who only read about me know that I'm an
ultra liberal harpy paid by Killary to
crap on everything decent in America
well those who actually watch the show
are probably dismayed by how not true
that is Tom your smug tits Democrats I
never thought I'd be standing on a stage
here asking people to vote for me for
president other things that America has
that Britain lacks a ton of evangelical
Christians Scalia was by all accounts a
nice guy with a wicked sense of humor I
attack ideas I don't attack people
and some very good people have some very
bad ideas he's right
good people do have bad ideas but that's
no reason to be a dick so Mitch
McConnell I take it back
you are not a dildo your ideas are a
dildo I haven't have lots of
conservative friends and this holiday I
made one more if you haven't heard Glenn
Beck is acting really weird no not
really weird like before with his
overheated rants on Fox but weird like
reaching out to the lamestream media to
apologize for his previous weirdness
weird like going so far as to agree to
talk with the shrill foul-mouthed host
of a liberal [ __ ] fest yes that's you
lady so in the holiday spirit of peace
love and reconciliation Glenn and I put
on our Christmas sweaters and got to
work on healing the nation
my audience is going to think that I am
crazy for sitting down with you my
audience hates your guts my audience
hates your guts more my audience would
like to stab you relentlessly in the eye
my audience wants to kill me for
normalizing our lunatic like yourself
yes so far this is going great
we've established our mutual tribal
animosity and that I need to wear eye
protection but healing healing for my
audience who is struggling right now to
understand why I'm sitting and talking
to you and blame it on her not on me I'm
not struggling with it I want to talk to
you right they are it's her fault not
mine it's fine she inflicted me on you
not the other way said a lot of crazy
[ __ ] okay okay
all right for like people in my world
even if all you said for the rest of
your life were reasonable things I feel
like you've still earned a permanent
side-eye from them is that okay with you
not okay but I believe I think it's I
think it's rational so I would turn that
back around why would you have me on if
you don't want to mock what is your
right so then what is why should you
have me because I think that our future
is going to require a broad coalition of
nonpartisan decency agree it's not just
individual people against Donald Trump
it's all of us against trumpism I agree
and so I actually think it's important
to reach into places where we wouldn't
normally reach I agree I said yes to you
because I believe I watch you I believe
you actually don't want to do damage i
as a guy who has done damage I don't
want to do any more damage
I know what I did I helped divide I'm
willing to take that my message to you
is please don't make the mistakes that I
made and I think all of us are doing it
we're
doing it on Facebook we're doing it on
Twitter we tear each other apart and we
don't see the human on the other side oh
god damn it Glenn Beck I'm sorry GD it
Glenn Beck now you've done and disarmed
me and this is exactly what's so
confusing if you're suspicious of Glenn
Beck
he seems Oh tartar sauce to be a deeply
sincere and decent person
he was criticized harshly by many of his
own fans when he spoke out against Trump
he supports various charities like one
that helps women rescued from Isis
providing them with counseling through
knitting circles led by therapists he
also drew fire from his own side when he
took toys and clothing and two million
dollars of food to undocumented
immigrants on the southern border and
try to teach my audience their children
yes you can be against illegal
immigration but they're children and
they're here and they're humans much of
Glenn's message has changed but when I
asked if he's hopeful or still a
pessimist I'm not a pessimist I'm a
catastrophist have you watched to me
yeah I thought you might have changed
that part no that part remains bright
intact okay and he had advice for me I
hate to break it to you uh-huh
see I've been watching you right you've
adopted a lot of my catastrophe kind of
traits I'm a catastrophe you are in the
mode of Glenn Beck let me ask you this
Sam B's having a Christmas crisis you
believe there's a chance we fall into a
dictatorship under Donald Trump do you
believe there's a chance we lose our
freedom of speech and press under this
president Glenn Beck is gonna make me
cry [ __ ] is happening I'm sorry
somebody has to say it how does it feel
to you that this is your legacy
we're prepping never thought about that
way yeah think about it what I was
thinking about is that this had honestly
been one of the strangest days I've ever
had maybe we're both suckers but very
cautiously by fits and starts Glenn Beck
and I were becoming allies I'm reaching
out no don't take it away I was reaching
out to you do it again no I'm not your
trained monkey I'm gonna pull the
football away Glenn you're Lucy Glenn
Beck do it don't do it don't do it don't
do it don't do it don't do it don't do
it don't do it oh my gosh and it feels
so creepy super long time okay you let
go first
just for the record in a spirit of
Christmas I had a gift to celebrate our
weird new relationship it's a strange
bedfellows cake that is great there's
you there's me one leg on the floor
which i think is good we can run then
after shifting to Glenn's Facebook live
set we did what is traditional in this
sort of situation we ate each other's
heads and joyfully welcomed this strange
new reality your delicious
we'll be right back
[Applause]
[Music]
you