(audience cheers)
(Conan laughs)
There's a lot of mime here tonight.
Watch out! How are you?
Very good, great one. Great to be here, Mr. O'Brien.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. (audience laughs)
(indistinct)
Got a little Irish accent going for me.
You gotta start off that right away,
just to set it up and be right with you.
(audience laughs) Yeah, very nice.
Have you noticed that Irish people
don't really talk that way?
Not at all, you do this and they go,
"What's wrong with you?" (audience laughs)
Yeah.
The Irish people I've met,
you can't understand a single word they say.
(Robin speaks indistinctly)
Yeah. (Conan speaks indistinctly)
(Conan and Robin speak indistinctly)
(audience laughs)
You're all pirates, arrr. (audience laughs)
I learned that a long time...
By the way, what are you gonna do for St. Patrick's Day?
Does it mean anything to you?
I'll be down with everyone else
claiming they're Irish. (audience laughs)
Yeah.
(indistinct) I'm a black Irish man,
tell me what I can do right now.
(audience and Conan laugh)
Yeah, my name's O'Haquan, you know what I mean?
When I walk around, New York goes crazy
on St. Patrick's Day.
It's mostly, I see, a lot of Italians,
Polish people.
Everybody comes out and for that day,
you're granted a brief pass.
Right, right.
To go out and go for the wearing of the-
(Robin makes vomit sound) (audience laughs)
You get to throw up with everybody, yeah.
Throw up and yeah, "Come on down,
"we're driving to Snake's house."
(audience and Conan laugh)
"We're heading him towards LA and see what happens."
Yeah, yeah, we have the lamest excuse for a holiday.
It is, yeah, "What was your holiday?"
"Get rid of the snakes."
"Wow, good luck." Yeah, yeah.
Let's all get drunk.
Ours is about leaving Egypt. Hello.
(audience and Conan laugh)
I don't need to flee. The Irish are fleeing.
What are you taking?
We'll take the flat bread.
What are we taking?
We'll take all the Guinness with us, keep going.
(audience laughs) Just keep going.
It's Irish passover.
There's Guinness later in the show.
We'll find about that later on, yeah.
I'll get you some.
Hey. (audience members scream)
At least there's a happy time.
Yeah, it is a happy time at this show tonight.
Now I wanna ask you something-
Got milk? No. (audience laughs)
What was that all about?
I don't know.
Sorry.
I wanna grab it now. (audience laughs)
Don't be afraid, we all have them.
(audience laughs)
Almost all of us.
It's okay. Let it go, let it go.
I'll be all right, I'll be all right.
One is okay, one is all right.
(audience and Conan laugh)
I want a man boobie. (audience laughs)
What do you think-?
Boobies on Men, this week on "Giraldo."
(audience and Conan laugh)
I wanna ask you about the Oscars,
'cause you're the first person I think I've talked to
who was there. Oh yes.
And I wanna know what you thought.
They had a lot of changes this year at the Oscars
to try and speed it up and what did you think?
Yeah, they had the "Let's Make a Deal" part.
You know, I expected they'd give the technical awards,
"The guy dressed as a cucumber, you've won."
Right, right, it was very game showy, yeah.
Yeah, it was game showy.
It was a bit like, you know,
"American Idol" when they had everyone come up
and go, "I'm sorry, the rest of you, please leave!"
(audience laughs) Right, right.
Did you think that was awkward
that they would get eight people up there
and then they'd say,
"And the Oscar goes to..."
And everyone else just has to slowly walk away.
"Thanks, I guess I'm nothing, thank you."
(audience and Conan laugh)
Yeah.
But the great thing is you'd see them all back stage going,
"We'll get them." (audience laughs)
Yeah, "We'll get it.
"We can just grab it." Yeah.
It was a very bizarre set up and then,
you know, and then Beyonce singing
every song ever written. (audience laughs)
And the French are going,
"We have people who could sing!"
(audience laughs)
"Why do you have to put her with car parking attendants,
"all these boys are dressed like parking lot attendants,
"why are they here?"
You know what's funny, is that it's refreshing
that you were there,
that's the feeling that all of us
who were watching it on TV had
when Beyonce sang her eleventh song.
(audience laughs) I love Beyonce,
but it just had that...
It's nice to know that that's what people there
were feeling.
Yeah, and the Spanish people are going,
"At least we got away with something."
(audience and Conan laugh)
"She did not sing our song
"because stuff would have happened."
(audience and Conan laugh)
"I tell you this, we had Antonio Banderas after a shower
"singing a song." (audience laughs)
He ran out on stage? Yeah.
That was kind of intense. (Robin sings indistinctly)
(audience laughs)
Would you ever think of hosting it?
I'd love to do that some day.
Some day I will do it.
It's a great gig, really.
It's a lot of fun, there's a lot of love in the room.
Yeah, I can imagine, yeah.
That's a crowd that's ready to laugh.
Yeah, it's always good,
and you see Nicholson in the front going,
"Give it your best shot." (audience and Conan laugh)
You know, it's just...
Now you've done it, right?
One year, I was one of three hosts.
It was Alan Alda and Jane Fonda.
Which, there's some funny people.
(audience and Conan laugh)
Yeah, baby.
If you wanna riff, those are the people you'd pick.
Well, now. (audience laughs)
I mean, it's a gig where the moment you're out there,
you know, you see just people,
and you look out and you'd see Gregory Peck
looking at you like,
"You're not going to grab yourself, are you, Mr Williams?"
(audience and Conan laugh)
Did you have a temptation, you wanted to go... ?
"Yo, Gregory!" (audience laughs)
"What about these, baby?" (audience laughs)
You got me looking there again.
Once again, don't be afraid.
Once again, my hand goes to the man boob.
Yes!
Now you did a great thing.
I actually read an extensive article
where you entertained the troops in Iraq,
which is a great thing to do.
And you take it... (audience applauds)
It's a nice thing to do.
And you take it very
seriously.
You go prepared, you really want these guys to laugh,
so you actually do a lot of...
Well, you hope they laugh,
'cause if they don't, it's a long way to go.
Yeah, yeah. (audience laughs)
It was, you know, you go and you kind of look around,
ask them what's been happening.
And the weird thing is you land in Iraq
and you see most people are in,
you know, the standard kind of desert camouflage,
except for some units that have deployed
with woodland green. (audience laughs)
Which is, it's a little rough,
'cause you're going, "Psst,
"there are not that many trees."
(audience and Conan laugh) Yeah.
That's an odd camouflage.
One guy hiding behind a bush,
going "Be very, very quiet. (audience and Conan laugh)
"I'm looking for insurgents. Shh."
(audience laughs)
The only bush in 40 miles, yeah.
Yeah, it's like that.
And there's also, you know, some countries...
Well, the Air Force has a camouflage
which is kind of bizarre.
They have blue, kind of a blue with a lighter blue.
Right. (audience laughs)
The kind of don't ask, don't tell camo.
Yeah. (audience laughs)
The only time you can hide
is you have to be up against the horizon on a cloudy day.
Yeah. (audience laughs)
"I can't see him.
"Oh look, the Air Force people are gone.
"No one can see."
Right, right, and you went riding with the troops too,
is that right?
Yeah, occasionally get to ride in a hummer,
which is a car, a great thing.
(audience laughs)
And you see that sometimes, you know,
after that thing, after Rumsfeld had spoken,
saying "Well, you fight with what you get."
Thank you, coach. (audience and Conan laugh)
Yeah.
And you see some of the "Road Warrior" hummers
with you know, you wanted to strap Rumsfeld in the front
like Lord Humongous, like "I'll bring them down!"
(audience and Conan laugh)
Strapped to aluminum siding.
There's guys in Tennessee-
Do the old "Mad Max" thing, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, "Here, I'll pimp your truck for you.
"Come on!" (audience laughs)
"Come on, take my explorer.
"I can run over things, it ain't a big deal."
(audience laughs)
You know, people here,
and you also see people driving round in hummers
on the freeways, you wanna go,
"Take the chance, get a Bradley, my man."
(audience laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Get a small tank, you're on the freeway,
"Mom, get in the turret,
"we're going to get groceries.
(audience laughs)
"Stay with me.
"Kids, run to the vegetable stand.
"Tommy, two, two by two.
"Down the aisle, Tommy.
"Get the meat. Follow me."
(audience laughs and applauds)
"On me."
It's dangerous work with kids.
It's dangerous work.
Can you hang on one second?
We have a lot to talk about.
Don't be afraid, Arnold's calling you.
I won't be afraid, more with-
Grab some more beef.
(Conan and Robin make indistinct sounds)
Robin Williams when we come back. Stick around.
(audience applauds) (indistinct)