- I am so sorry I'm late, babe.
- Are you?
- Yeah, of course I am.
Traffic was terrible.
I'm sorry.
- I'm just confused as to how "sorry" gives me back
20 minutes of my life.
- Uh, well, technically it doesn't
but you know, it's a nice gesture.
- You know what an even nicer gesture is?
Being on time.
- Okay, noted.
Be on time next time.
So, how's your morning?
- Horrible.
I couldn't sleep all night.
- Oh no.
Why babe?
- Because you snore.
- I don't snore.
- You don't just snore.
You disrupt my entire ecosystem.
- What, your ecosystem?
- Yeah, my ecosystem.
Okay, my biology.
You snore so God damn loud,
I can feel it in my endoplasmic reticulums.
Hi, can we please order?
- Uh, okay.
Other than my hypothetical snoring,
how was your morning?
- Don't do that.
Don't call something that's a fact hypothetical.
- What, it's not a fact.
- Well, it's not my opinion, so,
wait, and you mean, "how was my morning,"
other than the fact that you wasted my time
and my endoplasmic reticulums are doing the Harlem Shake?
Other than those two things, how was my morning?
Is that what you mean?
- Yes?
- Well, I walked into the washroom this morning
and there was water all over the God damn counter.
What the f did you do in there?
Free Willy?
- (chuckles) I mean, technically I did free my willy.
Yeah, I mean.
- Is that a penis joke?
Well, let's say that your hypothetical penis
was a sea animal.
It definitely wouldn't be a whale, okay?
It would be some sort of shrimp, like a squid
that gets scared too easily and squirts too early.
- Did you just air quote my penis?
Did I say something to you?
Why are you mad at me?
- Who the hell squeezes the toothpaste
from the top of the tube?
You're supposed to squeeze from the bottom, you moron.
- You have never had a problem
with my toothpaste pressing before.
- You don't look good in yellow.
- You bought me this shirt.
- And now you look like a demented Simpsons character
from Shelbyville.
Yeah, like Barney banged a Ms. Kerbopple and you popped out.
Hi, yeah, how are you?
Could I please have the veggie burger?
Looks great.
Um, and whatever the f he wants.
Preferably something low in sodium,
because he's already so salty.
- I'll take the pork.
- Of course you will, pig.
- What's the matter with you?
- I'll tell you what's wrong with me, okay.
When you kiss me, I feel like a small fish
getting eaten by a bigger fish.
This is my mouth inside your mouth.
- No, no it's not.
- No, yeah, it is.
Okay, you engulf me.
You're like the Bermuda Triangle of kissers.
If I go missing, everyone, search his esophagus.
- You always said I was a great kisser.
- Yeah, I also said you were my first
and I like your mother.
People say things.
- You don't like my mother?
- She peeled the plastic off my new phone
before I even had a chance.
Who peels someone's new protective plastic off?
- You hate my mother because she peeled your plastic?
- You're damn straight and maybe, just saying,
if she was better at keeping the plastic on,
she wouldn't have had an accidental child.
- Oh my God, you are totally out of line.
- I don't think your father's your father.
There, I said it.
- What?
- Are you kidding me, both of your parents have brown eyes
and your eyes are blue.
- But these are from my grandfather.
- They're from an affair.
- Okay, alright, I give up.
Let's just, let's just eat,
and then give each other some space.
- Of course you give up.
That's what you do.
That's why you never get promoted
and Raaj Kumar's your manager.
Oh my God, not even racism can help you.
- Raaj Kumar is my senior.
That's why he got the promotion.
That's the only reason.
- If we both went to the airport right now,
you would be the one to get randomly searched.
That's how much you suck.
They're gonna take their hand
and stick it right up your butt
and I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Wow.
- To be real, I'm not even sure if I love you.
I know it said it in the card I gave you but
it was on sale.
Hey, babe, I'm sorry for all the stuff I said.
I didn't mean it.
I think I was just hungry.
So good.
- What's up everyone, it's your girl superwoman.
If you like this video, give it a big thumbs up.
You know the drill.
The last video over there, second vlog channel over there
and you should subscribe.
I make new videos every Monday and Thursday.
Now, preorder my book, How To Be A Bawse.
That is a wrap and zoom.