- So, I don't know if you guys know this,
but if you don't take enough photos for Instagram,
you actually start to disappear like Marty McFly
in "Back to the Future."
(upbeat music)
- Yo, the internet is making people so fucking stupid.
(audience laughs)
Like who knew all of human knowledge
could make people dumber? (audience laughs)
Like in 50 years, we're gonna look at the internet
the same way we look at smoking right now.
It's gonna be like, "Man, I can't believe 50 years ago,
we just let pregnant people use the internet.
(audience laughs)
What were we thinking?
Pregnant people were just using the internet.
We used the internet in front of babies.
We let babies use the internet."
Yeah, in 50 years, we're gonna have special
areas outside buildings where you can use the internet.
Internet designated zones, 50 feet from every entrance.
"Don't bring the internet indoors.
Secondhand stupidity is a real killer."
(audience laughs)
- Here is what Gary wrote to me
on the day it was announced that I got married.
He said, "How long have you and your wife
been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians,
who should be put in Alcatraz?"
I was like, "Wow, that is very specific."
(audience laughs)
There was no grammar in that message, by the way.
He was like, "Mentally ill taco licking."
I'm like, "I think he means mentally ill, comma,
taco hyphen," you guys get it.
Already, I'm doing him favors.
And I guess I was bored on this particular day,
because I was like I just gotta see
what this person looks like.
Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger?
So I went on his page
and he did not have a picture of himself.
It was a picture of an American flag
and written across of it, it said,
"We need God in America again."
That is what Gary
leads with on Instagram
and then that was the message that he sent me.
And I was like,
"I don't know that God
would be into the phrase 'taco-licking.'
(audience laughs)
- We follow good looking people on social media, Instagram.
Beautiful people have millions of followers
and we liked their photos
and sometimes we put a flame emoji.
It's totally socially acceptable.
If you did that in real life, you'd go to jail.
(audience laughs)
"Excuse me sir, what are you doing?"
"I'm following that lady." (audience laughs)
"Can I ask why?"
"I like to look at her.
Can you give her this torch I brought her?
(audience laughs)
And these prayer hands?"
- We were filming this thing.
We were doing this Marines training, okay?
And we had to do all this training
and it was like hardcore and stuff.
And then League of Their Own's Instagram took a photo of us
in our Marine uniforms and put it on their Instagram, right?
And I looked at the post and every single comment was,
"I'd shag Freddie. I'd shag Jamie.
I'd shag both of them.
Which one would you shag?
I think I'd like them.
I think I'd like them at the same time.
They're so hot. He's so hot.
Freddie's so hot. Jamie's so hot.
Freddie's so hot."
I thought, where?
(audience laughs)
What the fuck is going on?
Do they think this is a picture of Jamie
and Freddie after they've captured the enemy?
Like, why? (audience laughs)
Why are there no comments about me?
I thought there must be one.
I scrolled.
Scrolled, scrolled, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll,
back through time, scroll, scroll, scroll.
Eventually I got to a comment about me
and this is what it genuinely said, okay?
"Oh my gosh, I got so fizzy looking at Jamie and Freddie,
I had to look at Romesh to calm down."
(audience laughs)
- What are we doing to ourselves with this social media?
What do, really, I mean, what are we doing?
These are people I chose to follow, my friends and family,
and I never get off Instagram or Facebook
and think, "Wow, good for everyone."
(audience laughs)
No, I want them all to die. (audience laughs)
When I'm on Instagram, I feel like I'm in a traffic jam
with everyone I know.
You know when you're in traffic, you're like, "Screw you.
Look at this jerk off.
Get outta my way."
That's how I am on Instagram.
"Oh, we're partying again.
They're alcoholics, that's what they are.
(audience laughs)
Oh, they're in love. No, they're not.
He cheated on her last year, I know it."
(audience laughs) - Don't be so sure
that the person on the other end
of that TikTok actually cares about you.
Remember, a look is a like, okay?
A click is a like is a dollar.
This is all being monetized, okay?
So just be very careful
because you don't know who's over there
and you don't know what their intentions are.
I only want to hear from doctors and scientists.
I don't want to hear from couples who think
vanilla essential oils cure autism.
(audience cheers) I don't wanna hear
from anyone who's done their own research, personal facts,
none of that. (audience applauds)
Because it finds you.
You have to be very clear about what you're looking for.
It will find you.
You're just sitting there looking at those
lip-less pitbulls.
Like, "Aw, baby needs a kiss right on the mouth."
And they pop on like, "Hey there,
just dropping in to remind you.
Make space for grace."
You're like, "Who the fuck is Grace?
Get out of here." (audience laughs)
It's always some girl named Cheyenne
with a dream catcher tattoo.
Like, "Hey there, just dropping on to remind you,
you are safe on this page."
No shit I'm safe,
I'm taking a dump in my own home.
Get outta here. (audience laughs)
- Social media has made every opinion valuable,
especially if it causes a controversy.
Like right now, it's tweets and Instagram
but before that it was blogs
and before that it was manifestos.
I personally love manifestos
because you know when someone writes one of them,
they're fucking crazy. (audience laughs)
And that's all your tweets are!
Your tweets are just teeny manifestos!
And you know what blogs are right?
Blogs are a conversation no one wanted to have with you.
(audience laughs)
Even when you are typing it, your computer was like,
"I hope I die." (audience laughs)
- Social media, it's just the market's answer
to a generation that demanded to perform.
So the market said, "Here, perform everything
to each other all the time for no reason."
It's prison. It's horrific.
It is performer and audience melded together.
What do we want more than
to lie in our bed at the end of the day
and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member?
I know very little about anything
but what I do know is that if you can live your life
without an audience,
you should do it.
And now you're thinking,
"How the fuck are you gonna dig the show out
of this weird hole?" (audience laughs)
- My daughter will always have the internet
from the time that she is born to the time she dies,
she's always gonna have it.
And I have to explain to her
that the internet is the most beautiful, amazing,
disgusting, horrifying thing in the universe.
How do you do that in a balanced, measured way?
Just like, "Hey sweetie, have so much fun on the internet.
Talk to your friends. Do your homework.
But be careful 'cause a lot of people in there
want to kill you."
"Everyone on the internet wants to kill me?"
"No, not everybody.
Some of 'em are just nice kids from Arkansas
who wanna let you know your pubic hair is a-okay.
But, (audience laughs)
yeah, some of 'em wanna wear you like a skin jacket.
So just please look out for Mommy, okay?"
"But you met Daddy on the internet."
"That's different. I met your Daddy on a dating app.
He sent me a very thoughtful emoji, and . . ."
(audience laughs)
- Now I don't know if anybody's ever
taught anybody the internet,
over the phone,
it's virtually impossible.
You cannot use internet terms
with someone who doesn't know a computer.
And I found that out right from the get go.
I said, "Dad, you gotta open up your window."
(audience laughs)
He's like, "Why? I got two feet of snow outside.
Is that for better reception?
You get better reception that way?"
"What? Reception?"
You gotta dummy it down.
You gotta explain exactly what they see.
I said, "Dad, there's a blue E.
Do you see a blue E with like a spear?
Do you see that?"
I said, "You gotta click that twice."
He's like, "Wipe twice?"
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, "Yeah, wipe twice."
For years I've been doing two.
One, you get nothing.
Two, it happens. (audience laughs)
- I'm a disgusting pervert.
I'm a pervert.
I'm a gross, filthy animal.
And I think it's because I started watching porn
at a very young age.
And what happens when you start watching porn
at a young age is that you get sicker and sicker and sicker.
The images you crave get sicker and sicker and sicker.
But it's okay,
because the internet will always catch up to you.
(audience laughs)
I broke up with my last boyfriend
because he refused to put it in the back.
I was like, "You're a idiot, dude.
Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist
and posted 'tiny Asian female seeking anal,'
the internet would crash?"
(audience laughs)
- You spend enough time on the internet,
occasionally you'll come across an opinion,
and now anyone can express themselves.
Facebook has a whole set of reactions just
to comment on someone else's post.
What I like about Facebook reactions is
that is actually a timeline of me logging onto Facebook.
Start out in a good mood, share some love, have a laugh,
start to get concerned.
Then I'm like, "What am I doing with my life?"
And then by the end, I'm enraged at my friend's new bangs
for some reason, I don't know why.
- This is a real comment.
I'm not making this up.
This is a real comment from, this is a real comment
from someone on Reddit and it's still up there.
All right, you can look it up.
"Ken, if I ever see you in public,
I will choke you within a few seconds
from death with my bare hands.
Fuck you, you piece of shit,
do anything for a dollar whore."
And that was my mom, all right.
(audience laughs)
- The next morning, I wake up next to Bina,
and I open up my phone and it's trending around the world.
(audience laughs) Then I open up Twitter
and I go, "Oh shit, I'm in trouble."
Then it starts climbing the charts.
I go, "Oh shit, I'm getting fired."
Then I become bigger than BTS and I go, "Oh shit,
I think I'm getting . . . (audience cheers)
Famous."
Likes, comments, retweets!
Give them to me!
Everyone in the world cared about me
for no particular reason!
For one day, I knew what it felt like to be
Pete Davidson! (audience cheers)
Oh, fuck!
- They start taking photos for Instagram.
Just so many photos,
'cause I don't know if you guys know this,
but if you don't take enough photos for Instagram,
you actually start to disappear
like Marty McFly in "Back to the Future."
(audience laughs)
So this girl has taken like four,
500 photos just trying so hard to matter.
And (audience laughs)
she turns to all of us at the table and goes,
"Okay, now let's do one where we're laughing."
And then all these girls around me went.
(audience laughs)
Feel how horrible that was?
They didn't make any noise.
They just went through the motions like an atheist
with their family on Christmas.
(audience laughs)
- You know, it wasn't always like this.
♪ Not very long ago ♪
♪ Just before your time ♪
♪ Right before the Towers fell ♪
♪ Circa '99 ♪
♪ This was catalogs, travel blogs ♪
♪ A chatroom or two ♪
♪ We set our sights and spent our nights ♪
♪ Waiting for you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ Insatiable you ♪
♪ Mommy let you use her iPad ♪
♪ You were barely two ♪
♪ And it did all the things ♪
♪ We designed it to do ♪
♪ Now look at you ♪
♪ Oh, look at you ♪
♪ You, you ♪
♪ Unstoppable, watchable ♪
♪ Your time is now ♪
♪ Your inside's out ♪
♪ Honey, how you grew ♪
♪ And if we stick together ♪
♪ Who knows what we'll do ♪
♪ It was always the plan ♪
♪ To put the world in your hand ♪
(Bo laughs menacingly)
♪ Could I interest you in everything all of the time ♪
♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪
♪ Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime ♪
♪ Anything and everything all of the time ♪
♪ Could I interest you in everything all of the time ♪
♪ A little bit of everything all of the time ♪
♪ Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime ♪
♪ Anything and everything ♪
♪ And anything and everything ♪
♪ And anything and everything at all of the time ♪
(upbeat music)