Unfortunately loss is something that's going to happen and it's going to hit
all of us. There are positive strategies to deal with loss and grief.
Tim Hansel said it this way, "Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional." I like
that for a lot of reasons. When Tim said that pain is inevitable,
here's the thing with relationships. When we do our job right, we will experience
pain. Pain, loss, grief. Our job is to love in a relationship. When we do that well,
we develop an attachment to people to where we actually feel some significant
pain when they exit. And by the way, nobody gets out of this alive.
Have you noticed? Hopefully that's not burst in your bubble. You kind of already
knew that. We have a mortal human existence going on that has a
predictable exit strategy and that is death. Death creates loss for those of us
who remain. So, probably important to get that out of the way right up front here.
If you're doing your job right and you're loving people, you're going to
feel some pain. Maybe you're already experiencing it and you're in the middle
of it right now. Maybe it's something that has started to heal for you. Maybe
it's about to happen and you don't even know it yet. We all get to deal with it.
So, positive strategies to deal with loss and grief start with giving yourself
permission to feel whatever you're going to feel. You're never wrong about how you
feel. How are you supposed to feel when someone who is close
to you passes or when you experience a significant loss? Well, you're supposed to
feel sadness and grief and pain. That's how it is. So, let yourself feel whatever
you're going to feel. Now, a little caveat around that because some people will
tell you, "Oh, you're supposed to feel this or that." Everybody has their own
experience with this. So, whatever you're feeling is perfect for you. Allow
yourself to feel it, give yourself permission and space to feel whatever it
is that you're feeling and that will facilitate the healing process. Feelings
change. So don't worry about getting stuck here, you won't be. You're going to
move on to something else. Feel whatever you're going to feel here and now.
Something that I've said to so many clients. And this might be reassuring to
you as well. You're not as crazy as you feel. Center on that for a moment. You're
not as crazy as you feel. You're having a normal reaction to an abnormal event in
your life. Abnormal means abnormal for you. it's not abnormal for the human race.
We experience these things consistently and collectively. It happens to everyone.
But it's abnormal for you because this loss is something that is current and
it's acute and it's painful for you now. You're not wrong about how you feel, so
keep in mind you're not as crazy as you feel. Another strategy for dealing with
loss or grief is to talk to people. The clinical research bears this out that
debriefing is an important part of healing or overcoming a traumatic event.
Like a loss. Debriefing basically means that you get to talk about it. You get to
tell the story. You have someone who's empathic and can sit and listen. You
don't necessarily need advice right now. But having a listening ear is going to
help. So, if you're supporting someone who's
through a loss, just turn on the listening power. You got 2 ears
you got one mouth. Use them in that proportion and I think some good
outcomes will happen. Reach out to your supportive family and friends and your
community. We're all here for you. We've got your back and there are people all
around you who will be willing to listen. Take a chance to express what it is
that's on your heart and mind. That's part of the healing process. Another
great strategy for dealing with loss is to take good care of yourself. You won't
necessarily think about this because when you go through a loss, you're
distracted by all kinds of other things. You might forget to eat a meal
occasionally or to exercise. You might not even feel like doing that. These are
exactly the things that are going to sustain you through this difficult time.
So, whatever it takes to make sure that you're getting enough sleep, that you're
getting regular exercise, that you're eating well and that you have time to
quiet your mind and do some prayer and meditation. Those things have been shown
through clinical research to support the healing process and is a much more
powerful and positive strategy for dealing with the loss. Keep in mind as
you go through this that the reason it's painful to you is because of all of the
positive and pleasant memories or experiences that you shared with that
person or in the context of your loss. Find a way to memorialize or capture the
memories. If you've already got pictures, bring them together in some kind of an
album. If you have a journal, sit down and spend some time writing through some of
your memories. It's good by the way, as you're doing this exercise to recall the
things that you fondly and lovingly miss and some of the things
that you're not going to miss because, well it irritated you in there around too. It's
okay to capture both. In fact, that's kind of a healthy way to approach this. Find a
way to get it down on paper or to record your voice sharing some of these
memories or to put up videos or pictures in a place where you can come back to it
and have that be a collecting place for memorializing or remembering what it is
that the loss signifies for you. I think I'll close this particular
episode with an acknowledgement to a friend of mine who has such a positive
approach to life. He's from the islands from the Bahamas. He shared with me a
very wise piece of advice. His advice was, "You know, when someone passes, we go down
to the florist we buy a bunch of flowers, we fill the room up with flowers as we
commemorate a life and mourn the loss of someone who has passed." He suggested, "Why
not give them flowers while they're still living?" Why not give them flowers
while they're living? I know that it's too late for those who have already
passed. I get that. And you can apply some of the other tips.
None of our relationships are permanent in the sense that they're not going to die.
Either they will die first or we will die first. That's all we know about that.
The timing, all of the details that's something that we'll find out eventually.
Look at some of the relationships that still exist in your life. Even though
you've been through a loss, you've got current, active, living relationships. Give
them flowers while they're living. Whether that means actually buying
flowers from the florist and presenting it to them, which is not a bad idea.
Or whatever the equivalent is of giving them flowers while they're living. You
know, all the nice things we say about people at a funeral. Can we say now? Can
we say those things now while they're still alive? Can we handle the thank-yous
and the I-love-yous now instead of waiting until a time when we're like, "Oh,
I wish I would have." Give them flowers while they're living. Great strategy. It's
good to know that we're not alone in this. And I bet you know someone else who
could really benefit from having this conversation. I hope that you'll share
this video with them.
I saw standing in the street alone