Oppositional Defiant Disorder is what O-D-D stands for. How do you deal with a
child who has ODD. First of all, is that really a diagnosis? Seriously Dr. Paul? Is
that...? Yes. It is actually. It's in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders. And that kind of is weird to me too. But I've got the
criteria here that I want to share with you. How to diagnose someone who's got
Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Here's how its described. First... There's 3
components here, okay? The first is an angry, irritable mood. And there are 3
sub points after that. Listen to these. Number 1, often loses temper.
Number 2 is often touchy or easily annoyed. Number 3, is often angry and
resentful. Okay, I know what you're thinking here. Because your kid probably
does this. Yeah, I probably do this. Disclaimer right up front. For any
diagnosis we use for children that involves behavior and most of them do. We
have to distinguish between what's normal or expected for a child of that
age versus what's out of the ordinary or bigger than what we would normally
expect for a child that age. Every child is going to go through periods or phases
where these things are true for them. To make the diagnosis, it has to be more
than what we would normally expect. And it has to persist for I think at least
6 months in order to make the diagnosis. So, with that disclaimer, let's
go back to the diagnostic criteria. The first one as I pointed out is the angry
irritable mood. Now, let's go to the second category.
Argumentative / defiant behavior. And there are 4 points under that as well.
Often argues with authority figures or for children and adolescence with adults.
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority
figures or with rules. Now again, you're probably thinking, "Oh, that's my kid." Yeah,
it probably is because most kids do this. But remember, we're talking bigger than
or more than would be normally expected for a child that age. If you don't have a
lot of experience with other children, that are the age of your own, then
withhold judgment for a while because maybe this is pretty normal for kids. But
if it's becoming a problem or interfering with their life, their
education their ability to relate to people, that's when we're starting to
take a little more notice of it. So, let's go back to the criteria. There's 2 more
under argumentative and defiant behavior. Often deliberately annoys others and
finally often blames others for his or her mistakes or behavior. Isn't this fun?
That's why we call it Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Alright, there's one
more category that I want to share with you from the criteria. Vindictiveness. And
this is described as has been spiteful or vindictive at least 2 within the
past 6 months. And then it goes into a whole disclaimer that I already shared
with you about how this is above average. This is out of the ordinary. It's
more than we would expect for a child of that age and development. So, what do we
do about it? Let's say that your child is
experiencing those criteria as I described into in the first part of the
video. And it does seem to be more than you would normally expect for a child of
that age development. What can you do about it? We got
5 tips for you. Let's start with this one. Try to identify the sources of
frustration. Check it out, we all do this. In fact, as human beings, our frustration
often leads us to an acceleration of those feelings that we... That can be
described as anger or defiance. Probably your child is feeling frustrated about
something. I've noticed this in just normal development of my own kids that
sometimes when they're going into a new developmental stage or they have a
developmental milestone that they're about to meet, they start to experience
an increase in frustration. This can lead to behavioral problems for a child. So as
a parent, just push the pause button long enough to say, "Hmm, I wonder if my child
is feeling frustrated." That's a little softer to deal with than the harshness
of Oppositional and Defiant. So, let's break away from the diagnosis enough to
realize that there's probably some frustration happening. Here's my second
tip. Simplify your family rules. A lot of kids who are struggling with Oppositionality
and defiance. Don't wrap their heads around all of the rules and
regulations and expectations that are coming up for them. Let's see if we can
simplify it for them. And I really like three in particular. Let's see if you
agree with these. Rule number 1 respect yourself and others. This is a family
rule. Mom and dad are going to follow this rule, all the kids are going to follow
this rule. This is an important part of our family culture. What does it mean to
respect yourself and others? And then you can have a conversation with the kids
about this. I would suggest that you do it in some kind of a family meeting or
come together for a family council our family home evening of some
kind to establish these family rules. And you can ask them what does it mean to
respect yourself. What does it mean to respect others? Have those conversations.
Here's rule number 2, respect property. We've already
established the importance of respect. Now let's extend that to our property,
our things. Taking care of things in the way that you should. Never vandalizing or
intentionally breaking or damaging or harming people's property. This is
important. Taking care of your own property. You like those rules so far?
Respect self and others, respect property. What else could we want as parents?
That's pretty well covering it. But I've got a third one for you that catches all
of the loose ends. Cooperate and obey. That's family rule number 3. And that
picks up everything that you might be concerned about that wasn't covered in
the first 2 rules. Now, let's move to tip number 3. Tip number 3 is for
you as a parent to remember the 3 rules for a power struggle. Oppositional
Defiant children typically get into a lot of power struggles. You know what I'm
talking about, don't you? So as a parent, you get to follow 3 rules for power
struggles. Let's talk about those 3. Number 1, avoid them. Not your child. The
power struggles. Avoid them. Don't get into them unless you need to. Unless you
absolutely have to. It's kind of like before marching up a hill. You got to
decide, "Am I willing to die on that hill before I March up there into battle?" Be
very selective in that way. Avoid the power struggles if you can. Rule number
2, if you can't avoid them, win them. I would tell the same thing to your kids,
too. But they're already really good at this rule. Because they know how to win a
power struggle because they know rule number 3. You pick the issues.
Notice that if you pick the issues, you're going to have a whole lot easier
time actually winning the power struggle. You never pick something that they
control. That's a recipe for disaster. You always pick something that you
control. Let me give you an example. Your child is swearing, okay? Yelling out
profanities. This happens a little bit with ODD. So, your kid is yelling
disrespectful language. Don't get into a power struggle over his language. You
don't control that. You might instead say, "Look, you can say whatever you feel is
appropriate to say. I have some limits about profanity. And so if you choose to
use profanity in this home then you will lose access to the game system." For
example. Now, can you win that power struggle? Yes, you can. Because you can
enforce whether he has access to the game system. That's what I'm talking
about. Don't get into a power struggle about his language. That's up to him. You
might want to choose to control the game system instead. You see? So, those are the
3 year rules for the power struggles. Now, let's go to tip number 4. When
we're dealing with children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Establish
a family culture of positivity. This is easier said than done.
And this is part of what this whole channel is all about. You go to the
playlist here for positive parenting or for positive personal development. You
will get all kinds of ideas from the videos that we've put out before about
how to create this culture. The culture of positivity has everyone in the whole
family taking a more positive position about what's going on in the family. And
it sets us up to move forward to the next step. Which is to create some
powerful upgrades. Because even though this family culture the way it is, is
really awesome. It could be better, yeah. So, we set up a
family culture of positivity. Now, one final tip about how to deal with
children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. And it has to do with you and
your particular example and model to them. Here's how I'm going to phrase it.
Be calm and parent on. This is the time for you to show them how to regulate and
monitor your own feelings and emotions. So that you're not flying off the handle.
It can be really frustrating. Honestly, if your kids are oppositional
and defiant, it might trigger things in you to where you want to react in a way
that's not going to help the situation. I tell you what, if you as a parent are
yelling and screaming for your child to stop yelling and screaming, there's
something wrong with that equation. And I'll let you do the math. Be calm and
parent on. Show and model the kind of behavior that you would like to see in
your child. Maybe that one goes without saying, "But there I go. I went and said it."
Because I think we need to know that and focus on it and remember it as a parent.
One last thing there. This is even more important when our kids are upset.
Because they don't know yet how to regulate their own affect as well as you
do. Be that model for them. Honestly, I'm not even sure that Oppositional Defiant
Disorder should be a diagnosis. It is something that we can deal with however.
And hopefully that's some good ideas from this video.
If you haven't connected yet with the Parenting Power-Up, Vicki and I've put a
lot of tools into that but I think we're going to find very helpful. And you'll
have constant access there to the 18 modules that are already there any
updates that we create. Go to parentingpower-up.com. You can connect to it
right over there.