I've been thinking about what I want and need in a partner
because I travel all the time.
I have a weird job where I work at night.
If I want to have a family,
what I need is a stay-at-home dad.
The problem is, I don't want someone who, like,
plans to be a stay-at-home dad.
You know those guys who are like,
"I'd love to be a stay-at-home dad.
You just sit on the floor, smoke weed, eat crumbs."
That guy sucks.
That guy watches your water break
and asks you for a ride to the hospital.
The only upside to marrying that dude
is he'll never leave the baby in a hot car
because he doesn't have one.
I need a guy with goals and drive and ambition,
and I need him to give all that up to support mine.
I need to find a winner and destroy him.
I want to say, "This is my husband. He used to do this."
I can feel some people pulling back.
Like, "Taylor, he's going to resent you."
I know.
I'm kind of into that. I'm super into it.
I've dated dudes that don't make as much money as me.
Almost exclusively. What up!
And one of them really hated it,
made him feel embarrassed and emasculated,
and it was... so hot.
Oh, my God. I'm like, "Come here, baby girl.
We'll role-play.
You can be the breadwinner tonight.
How does that sound?
Yeah, you go right back to
making pancakes in the morning.
Don't get cocky just 'cause Daddy lent you some pants."
I have a savings account. That makes me Daddy.
Then I dated a guy who was super fine with the situation.
He's like, "So you make more money than me? Who cares?
Doesn't matter to me at all." And I was like, "Well...
Okay."
And I don't need you to be upset always.
I just want that edge in our relationship.
I need you to choke me in bed, but kind of mean it a little.
I want...
I want that power struggle to keep it hot.
I want you to make passive aggressive
comments at dinner parties
and make all our friends drive home.
Like, "What was that?
Are they okay?"
Sitting in that circle before dinner, drinking wine, like,
"So how are you, Bill?"
He's like, "You know, pretty good.
Hard to sleep with all these dead dreams under my pillow.
Am I laughing? I've been practicing.
Anyway...
I'm just going to get another beer.
Honey, do you want anything?
I mean, you've already taken everything from me.
I'm doing finger guns because I can't shoot you for real."
I'm like, "Don't worry about him, everyone.
You know how they are right before
they get their allowance."
Don't know why some of you seem offended.
I'm the one who has to die alone.
I'd like to have kids, too,
which is a shame because I'm so talented, and...
You understand.
I don't know what happened. A few years ago, I was like,
"Yeah, I'll get to kids."
Now it's like, every day I wake up and my brain goes,
"You have goals."
My body's like, "I'm empty." Like all the time.
I saw a baby in a fedora last week, and I was like,
"I need to make something and put a hat on it right now."
It came from somewhere inside me I didn't know existed.
I felt like a young boy who'd just seen porn for the first time.
Just like, "What's happening to my body?
I have to go home forever."
I do still get annoyed with other people's kids,
which I think will keep me empty a little bit longer.
Like my biggest pet peeve are those babies
that wave at you from strollers.
Have you seen these babies?
They're strangers to you,
but they wave like you owe them money or something.
Like, "Hi." Don't engage. It's a trap.
The same thing happens every time.
"Hi.
Hi.
Hi."
"Hi, sweetie. How are you?"
You know why they laugh?
'Cause they just wasted your time.
They know one word.
It's not a conversation. That's a dead end.
That would be like me walking up
to a French person like, "Bonjour."
They get excited, start talking to me in French, and I go...
Then a bigger person wheels me away in a carriage.
"Au revoir, asshole.
You thought you made a friend.
Baguette."