FINALLY, WE CAN ALL AGREE I'M A HUGE TV STAR.
AGREED?
AGREED.
WHICH IS WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN
TO BECOME A HUGE MOVIE STAR.
YOU KNOW, GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE, TRY NEW THINGS.
I'M NOT ASKING TO BE A LEADING MAN,
DESPITE THE LEADING MAN LOOKS.
I'VE SEEN WHAT CAN HAPPEN
WHEN A COMEDY CENTRAL STAR TRIES TO CARRY A FILM.
SORRY, DEMETRI.
GOOD LUCK, MS. SCHUMER.
I JUST WANT A BUNCH OF TOSH CAMEOS.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN IN JURASSIC WORLD THIS SUMMER.
YOU KNOW, JUST SOME GUY WITH ICE CREAM,
AND A DINOSAUR EATS ME.
[CLAMORING AND CHATTER]
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY'RE OUT OF PISTACHIO ICE CREAM?
WHAT KIND OF THEME PARK IS THIS?
HAD TO GO WITH THAT ICE CREAM THAT HAS BUBBLE GUM IN IT.
[DINOSAUR ROARING]
AHH!
"WAIT, WAS THAT DANIEL TOSH?
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS DANIEL TOSH."
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY WILL BE SAYING.
THEN THEY'LL TELL ALL THEIR FRIENDS.
BOOM. VIRAL.
SO LISTEN UP, HOLLYWOOD.
HERE ARE MY NONNEGOTIABLE TERMS TO GET ME IN YOUR MOVIE.
FIRST, I ONLY WANT TO BE ON SET FOR ONE DAY.
PREFERABLY, I'D LIKE TO WRAP BEFORE LUNCH.
SECOND, MY RATE: $25,000,
WHICH NORMALLY, I WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED FOR.
IN RETURN FOR SAID FEE, YOU WILL ENJOY
A CONSIDERABLE BOX OFFICE BUMP THANKS TO ENDLESS FREE PROMOTION
ON COMEDY CENTRAL'S FLAGSHIP SHOW,
NOT TO MENTION MY SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE,
WHICH HAS BEEN RANKED AMONG THE TOP 50 IN THE WORLD
BY FORBES.
(ALL) OOH.
YEAH.
THIRD, I AM WILLING TO AUDITION,
BUT ONLY ON MY SHOW.
SEND ME THE SIDES,
I'M NOT READING THE SCRIPT,
LET ME KNOW WHO'S ATTACHED,
AND I'LL AIR MY AUDITION.
IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE AND AGREE TO MY CONDITIONS,
WE CAN SHOOT A PICTURE.
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A PLEASANT SUMMER.
BYE, FELICIA.