WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
IT'S ELECTION NIGHT, AND THE LATE SHOW IS LIVE!
EVERYTHING--
EVERYTHING-- EVERYTHING YOU SEE RIGHT NOW IS HAPPENING IN REAL
TIME.
TO PROVE IT, I SENT AN INTERN TO PICK UP THE VERY LATEST EDITION
OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES," AND HERE'S THE HEADLINE:
"IT IS 11:36 AND 42 SECONDS P.M.
EASTERN STANDARD TIME."
THERE YOU GO.
THAT PROVES IT.
NOW, WE WILL-- WE WILL KEEP YOU COMPLETELY UP TO DATE WITH THIS
LIVE CBS NEWS TICKER AT THE BOTTOM OF OUR SCREEN.
OH, HEY, LOOK AT THAT ONE.
ISN'T THAT A HUMDINGER?
I IMAGINE.
I CAN'T READ THE TICKER BECAUSE IT'S FACING TO YOU.
MANY OF THE RACES HAVE NOT BEEN CALLED YET, RIGHT.
WE HAVE A LOT STILL NOT CALLED.
BUT WITH 100% OF FOX NEWS REPORTING, THE DEMOCRATS
WILL TAKE CONTROL OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S SWEET.
OKAY.
SO, HERE WE HAVE IT.
THAT'S THE FIRST NEWS OF THE EVENING.
DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE HOUSE!
THEY CAN NOW OPEN INVESTIGATIONS INTO THE PRESIDENT.
AND WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER DONE
ANYTHING UNETHICAL.
THAT'S THE BANNER HEADLINE OF THE EVENING-- DEMOCRATS TAKE
HOUSE."
EVERYTHING AFTER THIS IS JUST GRAVY.
THE DEMOCRATS HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF HALF OF ONE OF THE THREE
BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
HALF OF CONGRESS, THE SUPREME COURT, AND A PRESIDENT WHO DOES
WHATEVER HE WANTS.
SO, SO FAR, TONIGHT'S FEELING IS...
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
NOW, APPARENTLY, VOTERS RESPONDED TO THE DEMOCRATS' CALL
TO EXPAND HERE, MORE THAN TRUMP'S MESSAGE:
"LATINOS ARE COMING TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH ROCKS!"
THIS VICTORY MEANS THE RETURN TO POWER OF PRESUMED SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE AND WOMAN TREATING HERSELF TO TWO CALCIUM CHEWS TONIGHT,
NANCY PELOSI.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS )
THIS IS THE CRAZIEST PART.
THIS IS HOW AMERICA FIND OUT.
AROUND 9:30, WHEN ONLY 98 OF THE 435 HOUSE SEATS HAD BEEN
CALLED, SUDDENLY, ON FOX NEWS, THIS HAPPENED:
>> WE ARE NOW READY TO MAKE ONE OF THE BIGGEST CALLS OF THE
NIGHT.
THE FOX NEWS DECISION DESK CAN NOW PROJECT THE DEMOCRATS WILL
TAKE CONTROL OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN EIGHT YEARS, DEALING A MAJOR SETBACK TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S LEGISLATIVE AGENDA.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
IS TRUMP RIGHT?
IS FOX THE ONLY NON-FAKE NEWS?
( LAUGHTER )
IS THE NEW SENATE MAJORITY LEADER THE DEMIGORGEN?
AND DO WE HAVE RESULTS.
WE HAVE RESULTS.
IN WEST VIRGINIA, DEMOCRATIC INCUMBENT JOE MANCHIN HAS
DEFEATED REPUBLICAN PATRICK MORRISSEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BY SAYING, "WAIT, I'M A DEMOCRAT?"
(LAUGHTER) IN THE TENNESSEE RACE FOR SENATE
REPUBLICAN MARSHA BLACKBURN DEFEATED DEMOCRAT PHIL BREDESEN,
DESPITE BREDESEN RECEIVING AN ENDORSEMENT FROM TAYLOR SWIFT.
I GUESS TAY-TAY DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH SWAY-SWAY.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ADMINISTRAY-STRAY EVENTUALLY OUTWEIGH-WEIGHED
BREDESEN'S SUPPORT FOR HIGHER TEACHER PAY-PAY, AT THE END OF
THE DAY-DAY.
DEMOCRATIC RISING STAR, NEW YORK SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND, HAS
EASILY WON REELECTION TO THE SENATE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THOUGH IT WAS RAINING VERY HEAVILY HERE IN THE CITY.
I SURE HOPE THE INK ON HER LAWN SIGNS IS PERMANENT AND WON'T GET
WASHED-- THERE YOU GO.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
AND IN JERSEY'S SENATE RACE, DEMOCRAT BOB MENENDEZ, WHO WAS
INDICTED--
INDICTED FOR CORRUPTION AND ACCUSED OF UNDERAGE
PROSTITUTION, HAS DEFEATED CHALLENGER BOB HUGIN, PROVING
YOU CANNOT KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN.
OR BOB MENENDEZ.
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
INCUMBENT CHRIS MURPHY HAS EASILY DEFEATED REPUBLICAN
CHALLENGER MATTHEW COREY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOCUSING ON THE VERY IMPORTANT WORK OF NO ONE KNOWING WHO HE
IS.
AND RHODE ISLAND DEMOCRAT SHELDON WHITEHOUSE HAS DEFEATED
REPUBLICAN BOB FLANDERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS KIND OF ELECTION MOMENTUM IS SURE TO PUT WHITEHOUSE ON THE
PATH TO WORKING IN THE SENATE.
( LAUGHTER )
A BACKUP PLAN: STARRING ON THE NEW CBS SHOW "63-YEAR-OLD
SHELDON."
THIS FALL.
ANY VERMONT LEFTIES OUT THERE, PUT YOUR BONG FULL OF MAPLE
SYRUP DOWN.
BECAUSE VOTERS DELIVERED A RESOUNDING RE-ELECTION VICTORY
TO VERMONT SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SANDERS EASILY DEFEATED HIS OPPONENT: A COMB.
( LAUGHTER )
RESULTS NOW.
HERE ARE THE NUMBERS IN THE RESULTS.
IN THE FINAL RESULTS, BERNIE WON.
(AS BERNIE)
THE TOP .01% PERCENT GAVE 30% OF THEIR DONATIONS TO .0001 OF
THE CANDIDATES.
IT'S A NATIONAL DISGRACE.
I'M HONORED."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT RACES IN THE COUNTRY.
CBS NEWS CAN NOW CONFIRM THAT IDRIS ELBA HAS BEEN NAMED
"PEOPLE'S" "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
DID YOU CALL THAT?
DID WE-- DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
IT'S A HARSH REPUDIATION OF THE INCUMBENT, BLAKE SHELTON, WHOSE
VICTORY LAST YEAR SENT SHOCKWAVES THROUGH THE SEXY
COMMUNITY.
( LAUGHTER )
ON TONIGHT'S "LATE SHOW," IF THERE'S ANY BREAKING RESULTS,
CBS NEWS WILL INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING THEM TO YOU
LIVE, OKAY.
IN VIRGINIA, FORMER V.P.
CANDIDATE TIM KAINE HAS DEFEATED REPUBLICAN COREY STEWART.
( APPLAUSE )
TO SENATOR KAINE ON WINNING AN ELECTION.
BUT I DO HAVE TO ASK-- DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS ONE.
AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT CBS HAS SOME BREAKING NEWS FROM
LOUISIANA!
LET'S GO THERE LIVE.
>> APOLOGIES FOR THE INTERRUPTION, STEPHEN, BUT WE
HAVE A MAJOR DEVELOPMENT THAT CANNOT WAIT.
>> Stephen: SCOTT BAKULA?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
THIS SPECIAL AGENT DWAYNE PRIDE, REPORTING FROM NCIS: NEW
ORLEANS."
WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE BODY WE FOUND IN THE CHEMICAL
TANK OUT BY THE WETLANDS.
TURNS OUT IT BELONGED TO A MAN NAMED YEOMAN BENNETT WHO WAS ON
HIS WAY TO AN UNDERGROUND POKER GAME, RUN BY A MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
KNOWN ONLY AS "MADAME SCORPION."
( LAUGHTER )
THE KIND OF BREAKING NEWS THIS SYSTEM IS FOR.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ACTUAL ELECTION UPDATES?
>> YES, STEPHEN.
WITH 100% OF NCIS FIELD AGENTS REPORTING, WE ARE NOW ABLE TO
PROJECT THAT THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS HAS GONE RED...
WITH BLOOD.
BACK TO YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, AGENT PRIDE.
TURNOUT WAS HUGE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THERE WERE LONG LINES DOWN IN GEORGIA, HERE IN NEW YORK,
TEXAS, ARIZONA, AND KEN-DUCKY.
SOME POLLING PLACES SEEM TO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY THE
LARGE CROWDS.
LIKE IN FIERCELY CONTESTED GEORGIA, WHERE VOTING WAS HALTED
IN ONE LOCATION BECAUSE THE VOTING MACHINES WERE RUNNING ON
BATTERY AND THE BATTERY RAN OUT.
SORRY, ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT AND DIED FOR OUR RIGHT TO VOTE.
ALAN FORGOT TO BRING A CHARGER.
( LAUGHTER )
I WAS PLAYING CLASH OF CLANS."
AND UP IN NORTH CAROLINA, THE STATE BOARD OF ELECTIONS SAID
HUMIDITY APPEARS TO BE CAUSING DIFFICULTIES IN FEEDING
BALLOTS THROUGH TABULATORS.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF AN 1890s PROBLEM?
"WE CAN'T COUNT THE VOTES!
THE PATH'S TOO MUDDY FOR THE HORSES TO PULL THE BALLOT
BOXES UP TO THE COUNTING SILO!"
EVEN EARLY VOTING, EARLY VOTING TODAY WAS MASSIVE.
ACCORDING TO THE A.P.
"BASED ON REPORTS FROM 50 STATES, AT LEAST 39.4 MILLION
PEOPLE VOTED EARLY," WHICH "EXCEEDS THE 2014 EARLY VOTE."
AHHH, THE 2014 MIDTERMS FEEL SO LONG AGO.
WHAT WERE WE EVEN VOTING ON BACK THEN, WHETHER TO ADD BLUE M&M'S?
LEGALIZING CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
THESE MIDTERMS ARE SO HUGE, THAT EVEN TRUMP WASN'T EXAGGERATING
WHEN HE SAID THIS AT HIS RALLY LAST NIGHT:
>> YOU KNOW, THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS USED TO BE LIKE
BORING, DIDN'T THEY?
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE?
PEOPLE SAID "MIDTERMS,' THEY SAID "WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS IT?" RIGHT?
NOW IT'S LIKE THE HOTTEST THING.
>> Stephen: GEE, I WONDER WHY.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"I TELL YOU, IT USED TO BE SO UNPOPULAR TO RUN SCREAMING OUT
OF THE POOL, BUT AS SOON AS I POOPED IN IT, IT'S ALL THE
RAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THERE IT GOES."
OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE VOTING DAY, IF THERE WEREN'T MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE POSTING PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES ON INSTAGRAM WEARING
AN "I VOTED" STICKER.
BECAUSE IN 2018, GRAMMING AN "I VOTED" SELFIE IS ON FLEEK.
IF "ON FLEEK" IS STILL ON FLEEK?
NO?
VOTING IS BAE?
( LAUGHTER )
IS VOTING "THANK U NEXT?" SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO
SAY, BECAUSE-- SO MY MOUTH SEEMS YOUNGER THAN MY FACE.
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONELL VOTED TODAY, AND THIS
GUY PHOTOBOMBED HIM WITH
THUMBSDOWN.
I GOTTA SAY-- COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
MANY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE GIVEN MITCH A DIFFERENT FINGER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.