WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO ""THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT THERE.
I HOPE EVERYBODY IS CUDDLED UP WITH A LOVED ONE TONIGHT AND
THEN SHOVING THEM AWAY BECAUSE IT'S TOO DAMN HOT.
BECAUSE THE COUNTRY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A MASSIVE HEAT WAVE.
THIS WEEK IT HAS BEEN 90 DEGREES OR WARMER FOR NEARLY 90% OF
AMERICANS.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO USES NATURAL
DEODORANT, NO LONGER KNOW THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THAT
KIND OF HEAT LOOKS LIKE ON A MAP, CHECK IT OUT.
IN FACT, IF YOU ZOOM IN, YOU'LL SEE NEW JERSEY IS NOW JUST A
FLAMIN' HOT CHEETO.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, SOME OF THE HEAT THIS
WEEK COMES FROM TRUMP STOKING THE FLAMES OF RACIAL HATRED,
WITH HIS BASELESS ATTACKS ON WOMEN OF COLOR IN CONGRESS.
IT'S PUT A LOT OF STRAIN ON ONE PERSECUTED GROUP: TRUMP'S
FACT-CHECKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WEEK, CNN'S DANIEL DALE
TOLD US A TRICK OF THE TRADE FOR FACT-CHECKING TRUMP.
ACCORDING TO DALE, IF TRUMP USES THE WORD "SIR," IT'S A TELLTALE
SIGN TRUMP IS BEING DISHONEST.
THE OTHER TELLTALE SIGN: HE IS TALKING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WATCH FOR THAT.
APPARENTLY, THE WORD "SIR" SEEMS TO POP INTO TRUMP'S HEAD MORE
FREQUENTLY WHEN HE IS INVENTING OR EXAGGERATING A CONVERSATION.
(AS TRUMP) "THEN THE QUEEN SAID, 'ARISE,
SIR TRUMP, KNIGHT OF ENGLAND AND LORD OF HOGWARTS.'"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP BETTER WATCH OUT, 'CAUSE THERE ARE 25 DEMOCRATS
TRYING TO KEEP US FROM EVER CALLING HIM "SIR" AGAIN.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY
STYLE."
>> TAX THE RICH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: FIRST: DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATE METAPHYSICAL GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, SEEN HERE
LEARNING SHE CAN'T BRING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT LEMUR ONTO THE
DEBATE STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ON MONDAY, IN LOS ANGELES,
WILLIAMSON SPOKE TO A CROWD OF SEVERAL HUNDRED, INCLUDING
PEOPLE IN FLOWER CROWNS AND MICKEY MOUSE EARS DECKED OUT AS
GIANT PURPLE ORBS.
SO NOW WE KNOW WHAT UNITES WILLIAMSON'S SUPPORTERS: THEY'VE
ALL HAD SEX ON THE COACHELLA FERRIS WHEEL.
THEY HAVE A FERRIS WHEEL AT COACHELLA?
>> YEAH.
IS IT ROOMY?
'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE FERRIS WHEEL.
>> BUT YOU HAVE BEEN TO COACHELLA, YES.
>> WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN ON THE FERRIS WHEEL.
>> I'M NOT INTERESTED.
NOT INTERESTED IN WHEELS?
PARTICULAR, BUT ESPECIALLY COACHELLA.
>> BRING A LOT OF HAND SANITIZER.
AND SHE LED HER OWN AUDIENCE CHANT: A BRIEF
CALL-AND-RESPONSE: "AND SO IT IS," SHE MURMURED.
"AND SO IT IS," THE AUDIENCE ECHOED.
HOW REFRESHING TO HEAR A CHANT AT MURMUR-VOLUME.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE TRUMP SHOULD TRY IT.
(AS TRUMP VERY QUIETLY) "SEND HER BACK.
SEND HER BACK."
"I RECEIVE YOUR HATE-FILLED SCREAMING WITH GRATITUDE."
( LAUGHTER ) WILLIAMSON DID SEEM AWARE THAT
PEOPLE THINK SHE IS A LITTLE KOOKY, SAYING, "COMING BACK TO
LOS ANGELES ALWAYS GIVES ME A SENSE OF SOUL BASE.
I THINK LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE THINK.
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE WACKY WHEN YOU'RE HERE.
YOU JUST THINK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE."
( LAUGHTER ) (AS WILLIAMSON)
"IN LOS ANGELES, I'M NOT CRAZY.
I'M JUST A WOMAN, STANDING ON A STREET CORNER, ASKING IF ANYONE
KNOWS WHERE I CAN BUY SOME ORGANIC PLACENTA CAPSULES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO IT IS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU HAVE TO MURMUR IT.
VERY FEW PUNCH LINES IN THIS JOB THAT YOU MURMUR.
THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT VERMONT SENATOR AND MAN POINTING TO
WHERE THE SQUIRRELS GOT INTO THE AIRSHAFT, BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE HAS GOTTEN SOME BIG CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS, PERHAPS
NONE BIGGER THAN RAPPER CARDI B, WHO ONCE TOLD HER FANS TO "VOTE
FOR DADDY BERNIE."
OOH!
SHE CALLED HIM "DADDY."
I THINK THIS MAKES HIM WHAT THE KIDS CALL A "ZADDY."
OR, MORE ACCURATELY, A "ZANDPA."
THIS WEEK, BERNIE WAS ASKED TO RESPOND TO CARDI'S SUPPORT, AND
HE SAID THIS: >> WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR CARDI
B AND HER FOLLOWERS?
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I THANK HER VERY MUCH FOR HER SUPPORT.
I SPOKE TO HER A FEW WEEKS AGO.
SHE IS VERY SHARP AND UNDERSTANDS A LOT ABOUT POLITICS
AND A LOT ABOUT HISTORY AND I AM VERY APPRECIATIVE TO HAVE HER
SUPPORT.
>> STEPHEN: CARDI AND BERNIE!
IT'S THE MASHUP OF THE CENTURY!
(AS BERNIE) "LOOK, I DON'T DANCE NOW, I MAKE
MONEY MOVES.
IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO MOVE MONEY FROM THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS TO
THE 99%.
'CAUSE I'M A BOSS IN A SKIRT, I'M A DOG, I'M A FLIRT, AND
IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE FOR ALL YOU BROKE HO'S.
I KNOW A BAD BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE.
TELL RI-RI I NEED A THREESOME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )