- I'm a shit dad. (audience giggles)
Do you remember when you were a kid
and you'd hear your parents
talking about really bad parents,
like, "Oh, my gosh, Amy Steven's mom
was drunk dropping her off at school the other day,"
and you were like, "Whoa, how does that happen?"
And then you become a parent
and you're like, "Oh, I know how that happens."
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
We got a rescue cat.
If you're thinking about rescuing a cat, don't.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, rescuing a cat's like rescuing a hobo.
They've seen some shit in the streets,
it's not getting out of their DNA anytime soon.
This cat's favorite thing to do is catch rats outside,
bring them into our house, and let them go.
(audience laughs)
The first day we got this cat,
I put in a cat door so it could run away.
It didn't.
Apparently, it stuck its head out the cat door
in the middle of the afternoon
and was like, "Hey, there's a new motherfucker in town
and if you want to fight me,
meet me in my living room at 2 a.m.!"
(audience laughs)
Two neighborhood cats enter our house
and fight our cat in our living room
in the middle of the fucking night.
(audience laughs)
My bitch-ass dogs are like, "Lock the doors."
(Bert speaks in foreign language)
One time, seven Christmases ago,
I was in DC, I called my wife up.
I go, "Yo, what do you want for Christmas?"
My wife's like, "Pajamas."
That's what I heard, "Pajamas."
(audience laughs)
She meant, "Pajamas,"
I heard, "Pajamas."
(audience laughs)
She meant, "A pair of pajamas.
Start there, Bert."
I heard the plural,
so I bought her seven pairs of pajamas,
(audience laughs)
and individually wrapped them
so she had a lot of shit to open.
And then sat back in the cut, going, "Done, son."
Bitch wants pajamas, bitch got pajamas.
(audience laughs)
All Christmas, I'm like, "Yo, open my gift."
She's like, "I'll get to it.
I'm working with the girls."
My dad's sitting next to me like,
"You must have killed it this year, buddy."
I was like, "You'll see."
(audience laughs)
Finally, end of Christmas, she gets to my present.
I've been talking about this present all Christmas.
(audience laughs)
Whole family gathers around.
She opens the first pair,
pulls them out and just goes, "Oh, pajamas."
(audience laughs)
And immediately I think, "Fuck."
(audience laughs)
If that's her reaction to pajamas number one,
I can't imagine it's gonna build."
My dad's drinking whiskey and eggnog and just goes,
"Who the fuck buys someone pajamas?"
She opens the second pair, pulls them out,
and goes, "Oh, more pajamas."
My dad looks at the five unwrapped gifts,
quickly does the math,
and goes, "Oh, you're a fuckin' idiot."
(audience laughs)
By pajamas number five, he's going Flipper on me,
just (imitates dolphin).
Pajamas number six, the whole family's around her,
going, "Come on, pajamas!
Come on, pajamas!"
Pajamas number seven, they are pissing themselves,
thinking, "How could this get funnier?"
What they do not know is
I've also bought my mom and sisters pajamas.
You should have seen this man
when my mom pulled her gift out from me
and he was like, "Oh, it's motherfuckin' pajamas!"
(audience laughs)
My wife saw her first porn the other day.
Let me rephrase that.
My wife caught me watching porn the other day
in the worst way anyone's ever gotten caught watching porn.
I guarantee it.
11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon,
I'm in the closet.
Now, I don't even know how it started.
I don't know. I don't know how I got into it.
All of a sudden, I'm in it, though.
I'm on my phone, scrolling,
'cause I broke my governor when I was a kid
and now nothing turns me on.
I'm like, gimme a tentacle or quicksand, something real.
Knock the wind outta someone, something I can gravitate to.
(audience laughs)
I hear her walking in the closet.
Phone in the pocket, she didn't see that.
She looks at me and says,
"What were you just doing on your phone?"
I'm on my heels. I got this.
I go, "I was replying to work emails."
She goes, "Really?
Are you sure you weren't watching a video
called No Mercy for My Throat?"
(audience laughs)
Now, I'm thinking that is really specific for a guess,
but I stood my ground.
I go, "No," and she goes,
"Dickhead, your phone's tethered to the TV in the bedroom."
(audience laughs)
She had been watching me flip through
all the porns I deemed boring.
Look, girl on girl, what is this, eighth grade?
Guy/girl, what am I, gay?
Come on, gimme something real.
Ooh, No Mercy for My Throat? I'm listening.
And this was not for the faint of heart.
This was not entry level porn.
This was mascara running, like (gags).
You know the kind of blowjobs
where they have to come up for air?
Just (gasps)?
(audience laughs)
(Bert gags)
She's like, "What the fuck is that?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "That is a blowjob."
(audience cheers)
She's like, "Who does it like that?"
I go, "Champions, that's who.
Yeah, that woman's there for the love of the game,
not the paycheck.
You gotta understand something, Leanne.
All women are different.
You say tomatoes, she says tom-(gags)."
She's like, "They don't make regular porn?"
I go, "What's regular porn?"
She's like, "The stuff we do."
I go, "You mean a bloopers reel? No.
There's not a porn out there
where the woman's giving a blowjob,
stops and goes, 'Are our sprinklers on?
I hear that.
They're on, aren't they?'"
She's a bully, a fuckin' bully.
She doesn't give me a blowjob, oh, no.
She toys with me,
grabs my dick, stares at me, just.
(audience laughs)
(Bert moans)
(Bert taps mic)
"Is this thing on?"
Do you know how soul sucking it is
to have to fake laugh to get your dick sucked?
As a comedian, I told my buddy Tom this,
he goes, "That would break my spirit."
(audience laughs)
He goes, "Do you know what I would do
if I was lucky enough to suck your cock?"
I was like, "Please, tell me."
(audience laughs)
He said, "I'd respect the fact that you're a comedian
and I would bring you original material every time."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Like, what?"
He didn't even flinch.
He goes, "I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,
and go, 'This week on a very special episode
of Man versus Food,
(audience laughs)
one man takes one dick to the mouth until it explodes."
(Bert gags)
We cried laughing.
(audience laughs)
And then, one month later, I'm in bed with my wife.
She goes down to give me a blowjob.
I have completely forgotten
about the conversation I had with Tom,
until she (taps mic) taps on my dick
and I start laughing hysterically.
(audience laughs)
She goes, "Finally, you get it."
I said, "What?"
She goes, "You get the joke, it's a microphone."
I said, "You thought I didn't get the joke?"
(audience laughs)
She goes, "Well, you don't laugh."
I said, "'Cause it's not fucking funny."
(audience laughs)
She goes, "Well, if it's not funny,
why are you laughing now?"
I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."
(audience laughs)
I'm a shit dad.
(audience laughs)
I don't hit 'em, you know, and stuff, but
I'm a shit dad.
Do you remember when you were a kid
and you'd hear your parents
talking about really bad parents.
Like, "Oh, my gosh, Amy Steven's mom
was drunk dropping her off at school the other day,"
and you're like, "Whoa, how does that happen?"
And then you become a parent
and you're like, "Oh, I know how that happens."
(audience laughs)
I've definitely been there.
Stop drinking at three.
Wake up at seven for drop off.
Get in the car, you're like, "Whoa.
Who wants to take a Uber today, huh?
We can get donuts if we don't tell Mom about it."
This is how bad of a parent I am.
I went to a parent-teacher conference,
stayed out until four in the morning.
Conference starts at 7:30 in the morning.
I wake up, I'm like, "Oh, fuck."
I make a cup of coffee, I grab two Diet Cokes,
go to the parent-teacher conference,
kill the coffee before the conference even starts,
sit down for the conference, crack my Diet Coke,
take a sip, and realize I have a Coors Light.
(audience laughs)
That is a game time decision, gentlemen.
The second I felt the beer touch my tongue, ho ho ho ho.
That's like a finger in your ass in an orgy.
(audience laughs)
What kind of man are you?
Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I pushed back into it
and I killed that fucking Coors Light.
(audience cheers)
(Bert laughs)
I came home, I didn't even know anything had happened.
I was drunk, obviously.
(audience laughs)
We had just put our new pool in, so I go and I grab Isla.
I take her outside, I throw her in the pool.
I grab Georgia.
You already know it, don't you?
The second I grab her, she goes, "Get your hands off me!"
I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not talk to your father like that."
Isla pops up out of the pool.
"Dad, we got a bleeder!"
(audience laughs)
Georgia starts crying immediately.
Leanne yells at me.
I end up in the pool with Isla
drinking a double Titos and soda,
getting the full rundown.
Isla's like, "Dad, I followed the tracks into mom's room."
(audience laughs)
I go, "You followed tracks."
She goes, "Like a hunter, Dad."
Looks at me dead in the face and goes,
"Hey, Dad, I promise you right now
I'll never get my period."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Really?"
She goes, "Yeah, I'll always be your best little buddy."
(audience coos)
I know, I almost started crying in the pool,
'cause I was like, "How stupid is she?"
(audience laughs)
I'll tell you how stupid she is.
I'll tell you exactly how stupid she is.
If you spend too much time with her,
you start getting stupid.
Does that make sense?
We took a family trip this summer.
First morning, we all sit down for breakfast.
Isla shows up five minutes late,
sits at the table, looks at me and goes, "Hey, big boy.
What did you think about those dreams last night, huh?"
(audience chuckles)
Now we're all looking at each other,
going, "She thinks we have the same dreams?"
(audience laughs)
She's 12.
For 12 years, she thought we all got the same dreams,
programmed every night, that everyone got the same set,
like it's must-see TV.
But then I'm sitting across from her,
going, "I had two dreams about this kid last night.
What if she cracked the code?"
(audience laughs)
I lean across the table.
I go, "Hey, did you have a dream
that I was locked in a trunk?"
My wife goes, "What the fuck are you doing?
We don't have the same dreams."
Isla kicks me under the table.
She goes, "I'll talk to you after breakfast."
(audience laughs)
That afternoon, we're going snorkeling, right?
We're out on the boat and I'm watching Isla
look off the side of the boat at the horizon.
It looks beautiful.
Great moment as a parent to say,
"Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?"
Your kid turns around, dream scenario.
"Hey, Dad, thanks."
I go, "Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?"
She turns around and goes, "We should get tattoos."
(audience laughs)
(woman cheers)
I go, "We're not getting tattoos."
She goes, "No, Dad, think about it.
If we all got the same one, we'd never regret it."
I go, "You're 12, Isla.
What tattoo would you want?"
She goes, "What's it called when you cover your arm?"
I go, "You want a fucking sleeve?
You want a, you're gonna be the only eighth grader
walking into homeroom like it's a jiu-jitsu tournament.
(audience laughs)
What do you want sleeved on your arm, Isla?"
She goes, "A wolf.
Yeah, Dad, his head would start up here,
his body would come by my elbow,
and his tail would come out to my fingertip.
That way you'd know if I was happy,
'cause I'd be wagging my finger."
(audience laughs)
She's turned my daughters into bullies.
Yeah, we're watching a documentary the other night,
documentary on Gandhi.
All I said was, "I don't get the whole hunger strike thing."
My daughter Georgia looks me up and down
and goes, "No shit."
(audience laughs)
They don't call me Dad.
They have nicknames for me, like Chonk or Fetus.
They call me Fetus.
(audience laughs)
They had a nickname
they were calling me behind my back for two years.
We're at dinner one night.
Leanne sends a text, both the girls giggle.
"Oh, good one, Mom."
I said, "What is it?"
They said, "You wouldn't get it,"
and I said, "I'm the funniest motherfucker at this table.
(audience laughs)
My comedy's paying for this dinner and those teeth.
Run it by me."
(audience laughs)
Isla's like, "I don't think you'd find it funny." (giggles)
So I go to the bathroom.
I come back quick, I look over Isla's shoulder.
She's slow.
(audience laughs)
What I see is a series of pictures of me
and the chat thread is titled Baby Walrus.
(audience laughs)
My stomach drops.
I sit down at the table.
I go, "What the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
They freeze, they're like,
"Oh, it's not what's Baby Walrus,
it's who's Baby Walrus?"
(audience laughs)
I said, "Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
Isla goes, "I think you know who Baby Walrus is."
Georgia goes, "Calm down, Dad.
It's just Mom thinks, when you put on fancy clothes,
you look like a baby walrus
who's trying to escape from the zoo."
(audience laughs)
I looked at Leanne and she goes, "And calm down.
You actually behave like a baby walrus."
I said, "No, I don't,"
and then the waitress came over and she goes,
"Double Titos and soda, big glass, no lime."
I didn't even think I did it.
I went (moans happily).
Isla pulls out her phone, "Baby Walrus loves vodka."
Click, click.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)