Hi, my name is Riley Jay Dennis, and I use she/her or they/them pronouns.
If you’re a part of the LGBT+ community or just have an interest in social justice,
you probably know what I mean by that.
However, if you’re outside of those worlds, it might seem a little confusing to you.
Why am I telling you my pronouns?
Can’t you tell just from looking at me what pronouns you should use for me?
Well, not exactly.
The thing is, if you want to be inclusive of LGBT+ people, it’s important to know
that for many of us, our appearance doesn’t say everything you need to know about our
gender or our pronouns.
I know that if you’ve never encountered any of this before, this can sound daunting,
but I promise it’s actually really simple.
If someone tells you what pronouns to use for them, it’s polite and compassionate
to use them -- because it could mean a lot to them.
If you don’t know what pronouns someone else uses, it’s polite to ask.
And you can help other LGBT+ feel more comfortable by introducing yourself with your pronouns,
and not being offended if someone asks you what your pronouns are -- they’re just trying to be polite.
So, for example, if you’re a cis man, your pronouns are he/him.
If you’re a cis woman, your pronouns are she/her.
Likewise, trans men often go by he/him, and trans woman often go by she/her.
But, there are also nonbinary people who may not use either of those options.
There are several different pronouns they might use, but the most common is they/them.
So, for example, instead of saying, “She went to the store to get some cookies for
her friend,” you would say, “They went to the store to get some cookies for their friend.”
Using they as a singular gender-neutral pronoun is actually widely accepted and grammatically correct.
Both the AP and Chicago style guides recommend using whatever pronoun a person asks you to
use for them, and that includes singular they.
In fact, in that last sentence, I used the singular “them” to refer to one person
and it probably sounded perfectly natural to you.
That’s because singular gender-neutral “they” is already commonly in use to refer to singular
pronouns like “everyone” or “anybody” or “family”, and it’s also commonly
in use to refer to a singular person whose gender you don’t know yet.
For example, in the sentence, “Everyone is here,” the “everyone” is singular
-- it’s not, “Everyone are here,” but when you refer back to everyone, you have
to use they, so the sentence becomes, “Everyone is here, but are they ready?”
In this instance, they is referring to a singular pronoun -- even though it’s referencing multiple people.
Native English speakers say stuff like this all the time.
Singular they used in this way isn’t new or abnormal.
In fact, it’s been used by Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, George Bernard Shaw, Jane
Austen, and tons of other authors.
The other common usage of singular they is when you don’t yet know someone’s gender.
For example, listen to these sentences:
“Somebody fell in the parking lot earlier today.
I hope they’re okay.”
“I’m getting a call from someone, but I don’t know who they are.”
“I heard that a teacher spent their own money on school supplies.”
“When I meet someone new, I give them a high-five.”
All of those sentences used the singular “they” or “their” or “them”.
You can also use “themself”.
In fact, Emily Dickinson used themself in 1881, and F. Scott Fitzergerald used themself
in 1915 -- according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
The Merriam-Webster also says that “themself”, instead of “themselves”, has been around
since the late 1300s.
It’s not a new thing invented by trans people or millennials -- it actually has a long history
in the English language.
The alternative to singular they in this instance is “he or she”, which some people do say,
but it’s just astoundingly awkward and long-winded to have to use two pronouns every time.
Singular they does a lot to simplify this, and it leaves room for nonbinary people who
don’t use he or she pronouns.
Which leads me to the more modern usage of singular they: When you’re talking about
one person whose gender you already know.
Traditionally, if you know someone’s gender, you refer to them as either he or she.
Because of that, singular they for someone whose gender you already know can sometimes
sound clunky to people.
But, it’s rapidly increasing in usage, and more and more people are using they/them pronouns
for themselves.
Here are a couple examples of how a you could use “they/them” for a nonbinary person.
“That’s my friend, Alex.
They are really excited to meet you.”
“Oh, I think Sam left their phone here.”
“Taylor made dinner all by themself.”
“My cousin is on the 4th floor, just give this to them.”
As you can see in the first sentence, you still generally say “they are” instead
of “they is”, even though they is singular.
If this is confusing to you, just remember that when you say “you are” to one person,
it’s also singular.
Sometimes “are” is a verb you use for one person.
Using singular they like this may take some getting used to, but if you put in just the
smallest amount of effort, it becomes as natural as saying he or she.
Even though singular gender-neutral they has a long history, this usage is relatively new
-- but the fact that our language is changing in this way is not new at all.
Language changes constantly, and in fact, hundreds of years ago, the English language
took a plural form of a pronoun and turned it into a singular.
If you’re not sure what pronoun I’m talking about, let me explain.
You see, when we speak in the second person, we use “you” for the singular.
Actually, we don’t really have a great second-person plural.
Lots of people say “you guys” or “you all,” and some people say “y’all”
or “you’s”, but it’s generally agreed upon that “you” is for one person and
sometimes multiple people.
Except, go back and few hundred years and “you” was only plural or formal.
“Thou” was the familiar or singular form.
If you’ve ever studied French, it’s like the difference between “tu” for familiar/singular
and “vous” for formal/plural.
Only in English, we dropped “thou” completely and started using “you” as a singular.
So we’ve actually already taken a word that was almost exclusively plural and turned it
into an almost exclusively singular word.
And I don’t run into many language purists who are still walking around using “thou” nowadays.
This is a change that’s already happened.
You can’t stop people from using singular they, and it’s only going to become more common.
One Day at a Time, a really amazing show on Netflix, had a character named Syd who used
they/them pronouns in the second season.
Showtime’s Billions had a nonbinary character named Taylor Mason who used they/them pronouns.
Even Coke’s Superbowl commercial this year included the singular “them” in reference
to a nonbinary person.
Using singular they to reference a nonbinary person is quickly becoming mainstream, and
the best thing you can do is get on board with it as soon as possible.
And if you meet anyone who asks you to use they/them pronouns, just use them.
It may take you a little while to adjust, but you’ll get there.
And, you might run into some people who are comfortable with multiple different pronouns.
Some people describe themselves as pronoun indifferent, which means you can use any combination
of she, they, or he for them.
Some people just use he and they, while others use she and they.
As I said at the beginning of this video, I use she and they, and that’s because I’m
a nonbinary woman.
I have a video where I explain more about that if you’re curious, and I’ll link
it in a card up here.
But yeah, so that means you can use she/her or they/them pronouns for me -- it’s your choice.
I’m comfortable with both.
And there are plenty of other nonbinary people who are comfortable with multiple different
pronouns as well.
Anyway, that’s all I had for you today.
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Thanks so much for watching, and I’ll see you next time.