- Hi, I'm Jack Antonoff from Bleachers,
here with Buzzfeed to read thirst tweets.
(beep) Let me just tell my mother I'll be back.
Should we get my mother into this?
Would that be like a Freudian nightmare
an Oedipal nightmare, which is the one that I'm thinking of?
All sort of philosophers and whatnot aside,
it would be a (beep) nightmare
to have my mother read these.
So let's jump in.
(mellow jazz music)
I think I'm in love with Jack Antonoff.
He is bleachers, and he's gorgeous. Two facts.
(Jack laughs)
Jack Hun, if you've ever fancy a date,
hit me up, pet.
Oh, I like that.
I'm assuming this person is British. Thank you.
Tweet number two. The definition of yellow,
Jack Antonoff. The definition of sunshine,
Jack Antonoff's smile.
At Jack Antonoff, your sunshine,
and we love you so much.
We hope you're having an amazing day.
I don't get it.
The definition of yellow?
Is this some like lingo that I don't understand?
I would call this barely thirsty.
Very sweet, barely thirsty.
I don't spend a lot of time online.
So, stuff I hear about is so egregiously thirsty
and offensive that these are kind of
just washing over me as just compliments.
All right, I'm moving on. Number three,
Jack Antonoff's arms are the most beautiful limbs
to grace this earth. Very nice.
Still not that thirsty. Four.
I could seriously look at Jack
Antonoff's stumble for 18 years and
still want to stare at it longer.
I assume you guys are going to build to it.
Tweet number five. I want to kiss
the brain of Jack Antonoff.
Can I just say that I really dislike saying my name
over and over and over again? (Jack laughs)
It's a very weird feeling.
Okay. I want to kiss the brain of Jack Antonoff,
because he is a (beep) genius
at making slash composing music.
Very sweet.
I was told to enjoy the sweet ones while they last.
Knowing the internet,
there's probably going to be some like...
Okay, moving on.
Jack Antonoff in a cutoff is my sexuality.
I appreciate that. You gotta to feel good,
especially when you play music,
especially when you write music,
you have to like feel yourself in some ways.
I feel good in a tank top.
I feel like my dad in the eighties.
Jack Antonoff is my type.
He's like the hot, nerdy,
with big (beep) type of a guy.
I thought it would either say big (beep) energy
or a big (beep).
But we can't know what this person's thinking.
He's such an old soul,
but his presence smells like an addictive aroma.
Oh my God. Hi.
I'll tell you why I really liked this tweet.
You don't often see someone, you know,
referencing the wholesome quality of an old soul
and a big (beep),
and I think that's cool
'cause I think that's kind of real.
Like, I think people either lean so overly sexual
or so sincere. And it's like,
I like someone who is kind of being pretty real.
Like, I want an old soul who also has a big (beep).
So. This person, I think is the first one
that really gets my vote.
Next one. Currently grounded for writing a quote,
"if lost, please return to Jack Antonoff"
in all my underwear. (Jack laughs)
It makes sense to...
Well, the underwear, it's being dropped off at my house.
(Jack laughs) Open and shut case of this tweet.
Number nine. Jack Antonoff could ask me to eat glass,
and I would say yes. And thank him for the opportunity.
Hot, not, not hot.
Number ten. The way I would let Jack Antonoff
crush me like a Roach. (Jack laughs)
I've been there. I've had a crush from a distance
and just been like, ah, crush me, like a Roach.
I like this one. I like this one a lot.
I could imagine being with this person.
Number eleven. Profession, a hole
for Jack Antonoff, sir. Checkmark. (Jack laughs)
I'll say this, that when the lingo is too,
like sort of, culturally specific,
it's less shocking or thirsty to me.
You know. If I read that tweet in like 2012,
I would be like, holy (beep),
that is one of the filthiest things I've ever read.
But it's just become so commonplace, you know.
Kind of the way choke me, like, you know,
sometimes if you just happened to go on Twitter.
It's just, we've reached a point culturally
where like, you know, the concept of being a hole,
for someone, choking someone or something like that,
it's just so in the lingo.
That it's less shocking than the person
who called me an old soul.
And, my boyfriend and I wanna have a threesome
with Jack Antonoff, someone let him know.
Consider me served. (Jack laughs)
I decline, but I respect the election,
you know. I can't. No.
I like to be with one person typically.
And it's just a personal preference.
I don't like more than one person around
for anything, really.
But you and your boyfriend seem to have a really nice...
You know, as long as he's in on this tweet,
then I think that's really great for you guys.
I would let Jack Antonoff,
suffocate me with his legs.
Well, this is interesting. I don't like the image.
Yeah, I don't like this one. I'm moving on.
I would let Jack Antonoff know that any time he feels
like filling a hole spelled with the big zero
instead of the little O or two.
I'll be waiting with open arms, open legs,
and an open mouth to thank him
for his service. (Jack laughs)
This is a lot of layers to this one.
Just like the person who called me an old soul
in the big (beep) tweet.
The imagery of open arms is so wholesome.
And then thanking me for my service feels sort of wholesome,
an American, and obviously, you know,
verbiage that we use for the troops. (Jack chuckles)
What I'm noticing with some of these thirsty tweets
is a real play back and forth.
Between like hyper wholesome, and hyper filthy.
To throw in there that I could,
you know, fill this H-O-L-E, et cetera.
And that the invitation is being weighted on with open arms.
And then to thank one for their service is regal.
Anyway, I would let Jack Antonoff
put it in the butt. I love lady Gaga,
I think she's a really interesting artist.
This is by far my favorite one. (happy bells chiming)
I think this is the kind of tweet
that's worth signing on for.
One time, someone tweeted at me,
my favorite thing I've ever seen.
And it made me feel like it was worth it
to go online here, now.
You bear a great Russian name, but act as a pervert
and a Jew, comma. Who are you? Question mark.
And I just think it's like a brilliant composition.
Tweets, no different than poems, essays, or novels
need to be judged within their mediums.
This tweet that I'm reading right here
has a similar energy.
It almost touches the broadness of the internet.
The randomness of life and the human brain,
of just being able to move and vacillate
so quickly between things.
I feel more connected to this tweet
than any of the other ones I've read.
Just in terms of the flow of information.
I got two more.
I would suck the sweat off of Jack Antonoff's ballsack.
A little clinical for me. It's interesting.
The things you do and don't want from the internet,
because this is too clinical.
This feels too conversational,
but then if it feels too internet,
it feels too performative. You know,
all the use of holes and choking
is a little too internet,
but this is a little too, you know, I don't know.
Tell your therapist. Here we go.
Damn, Jack Antonoff, come produce this...
It's spelled with a B. Is this slang? Bussy?
Can you guys tell me about this slang? I don't like it.
Oh, it's a boy pussy.
Oh, I haven't heard this.
I do like it. Interesting. Okay.
So, damn Jack Antonoff, come produce this bussy.
I like that it brings the work
that means a lot to me into the equation.
I feel well-liked in scenes actually.
I like this one because I think this...
So, this is sort of sitting right in the middle
of what I was hoping for, right?
It's not too clinical.
Like I would suck so and so's (beep)
and it's not too internet.
You know, like come and fill these holes,
you know, daddy or whatever.
My album is out.
Usually, I mentioned people listening to it
and sort of going on that journey.
But I think this audience that I've been speaking to
through these tweets might be on a different journey,
which I'm also hip to.
You can spend time with the album,
or we can spend more time in this, I guess,
unconscious fantasy conversation
that's happening. (Jack chuckles)
And yeah. Thank you for your service.
(mellow jazz music)
♪ Yeah, rights. Oh, yeah. ♪
♪ Shoo be do wop-op ♪