Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette!
In today's video, we discuss how to argue like a gentleman.
How a person argues strikes right at the heart of a person's personality and if you are threatened
or in a defensive position, you may behave differently but that truly reflects your character.
If you want to learn about how we define what a gentleman is today, please check out this
video here.
And then we can continue on focusing just on argument and what you should and should
not do.
First off, I went to law school and like many lawyers, I like being right.
Now, I think a lot of people like to be right but then that does not mean that you always
have to be about winning an argument.
It's about learning and growth and personally, I've learned a lot more from my mistakes than
from the things that I did that were right or where I "won".
If you go back in time, in 1727, Benjamin Franklin created the Leather Apron Club which
was a club where men would have arguments.
In order to be admitted, you had to meet four criteria or basically, answer four questions.
One, Do you have disrespect for any of the current members?
The right answer would have been no.
Two, Do you love mankind in general regardless of religion or profession?
The right answer would have been yes and this club consisted of a wide range of different
people, of different socio-academic status and education levels.
Of course, they were all white men but that's a different topic of discussion.
Three, Do you feel people should ever be punished for their opinions or modes of worship?
The right answer would have been no.
For some people, that may seem obvious but looking at those, it emphasizes that true
sense above all which is based on fact and that means even if you are wrong and you feel
like you are losing, it's still the truth that should come out on top.
Now, these four questions show that you have mutual respect, that you are open minded,
that you're tolerant, and that you're welcoming other people's beliefs and are open to them.
Why is it so hard to have a productive argument?
I think there are a number of reasons that go right to the core of how we feel and it's
important to think about them rationally so we can overcome an inner feeling that may
be unfair and unjust towards the person we are talking to.
The first barrier of productive argument is opinion protectionism.
What I mean by that is that we all feel that we are entitled to our opinion and that we
don't have to back it up with facts so other people can understand why we have this opinion.
So for example, legally, I'm entitled to believe that one plus one is three, however, based
on the rules of math that everyone knows, people will not respect me if I simply say
one plus one is three and I"m not going to change my mind and you can't tell me anything
else.
In my experience, if you believe that what you know is right and you are not open to
change, this is the biggest barrier to having a productive argument.
It's called dropping an anchor and it stops a conversation right there and chances are,
it will end badly in name calling or other things and people would be upset and they
will even remember it and look at you as someone who is not a person of reason, fact, or fairness.
The second issue is that opinions and beliefs can be quite personal and fundamental.
Just think about politics, topics like abortion, and in the US specifically, it's very uncommon
for people to have conversations about those topics because there is this kind of fear
of having different opinions and people much rather switch to small talk, however, as a
gentleman, you should be able to present your point, talk about the pros and the cons, listen
to the other person, admit to their valid points, and explain why you still think the
way you do without disrespecting the other person or giving them the feeling that their
point of view is inferior to yours.
The third barrier to an argument is the belief that winning or losing is more important than
personal growth.
Of course, we all like to win and it's a good feeling to be looked at by others and be recognized
as the winner at the same time, if you just go to an argument wanting to win and wanting
to be right, and wanting to have the last word, you may not learn from the other person,
you may not learn that you may be wrong, you may disregard something that may actually
help you and get you further down along the way so, in my opinion, that winning can be
losing for yourself because you are not getting ahead in life and you are just stuck in your
belief system.
If you can't back up your opinion by proper facts that others reasonably understand, you
may feel like the winner but other people will not look at you that way because they
just think of you as a narcissistic dick.
The fourth barrier of having a productive argument is the fear of being wrong.
As I said, as I mentioned, I like to be right, I think of myself as thoughtful and thinking
things through so when I come up with a solution or opinion, I truly believe that I've done
my homework and at the same time, if I let my ego get in the way of accepting that maybe
I have not done my proper homework and I have overlooked things, or not considered certain
points and based on that, my opinion or whatever I say is maybe not quite right or maybe even
terribly wrong, I have to be willing to admit that and admit fault.
When you do that, you show vulnerability and some people may consider that to be a weakness,
however, I personally believe that showing others that you can change your mind and that
you can be wrong and that you look at truth for its own sake rather than your personal
interest, makes them respect you a lot more especially in the long run.I fully understand
that traditional masculine demand that the man shows no weakness and weakness can be
crying or admitting fault but if you look at the great leaders in the world, or successful
businessmen, they admit mistakes and move on.
They take the ego out of things and rather look at what's beneficial to them and growing
is always more beneficial to you than being right for its own sake.
Now, the gentleman's philosophy of an argument should be that discussions should always be
encouraged because if you talk to other people, chances are, you can always learn something
from others and that's a good thing because you always want to improve yourself and be
a better person.
Also, opinions are not sacred, you have to be willing to sacrifice an opinion that you
hold dear to your heart and maybe adjust it or transform it completely.
I know it's hard but winning should never be the goal.
It goes against what you learned in kindergarten and all along the way where if you engage
in something, you want to win and competitiveness is good to a certain degree but you should
not try to just win and shout the other down but be open and productive and at the end
of the day, that will win you more respect and will make you more successful in the long
run.
Now, that all sounds nice in theory and it can be really tough if you have an opponent
who does not respect those rules.
Just the other day, for example, I was driving to a parking lot, there was a turn line and
a straight line and the arrows on the road had kind of faded.
So I was in the turn lane but I realized I wanted to go right so I set my blinker, I
drove over and I went to my parking spot.
When I got off the car, a guy pretty much next door came out and said "You're a real
shitty driver!"
So I said "I'm sorry if I cut you off, I did not mean to do that."
so he would go on and say "You're a really shitty driver!
You're a really shitty driver!"
I could see that he was upset so I looked at his car and he had actually parked in a
rental car spot, he had blocked two spots entirely and I said "Well, you should look
at your parking first."
When he felt attacked, he started calling me names, he said "You're a brick, you're
an a*****!" and he was very aggressive so I did not respond to that, it was hard for
me because you know, when somebody calls you that you want to be mean or sarcastic and
say things along the lines of "Well, if I would get advice, not from someone who can
park like that."
but I was able to control myself and not do that and basically walked away.
When I came back to my car, I saw him and I wished him a good day and he was still calling
me names but I just got into my car and drove away.
if you encounter those situations, sometimes, it's best not to engage because of those kind
of people, they drag you down to their level and then the beat you with their experience
because that's what they do all day long.
So the essence of this story is, if you want to be a gentleman, you have to stick to the
rules even if the other person does not.
Another important point is that your body language is equally important as your tone
of voice and what you say.
For example, my wife always that you have the idiot face on.
When I do that, which is somewhat subconscious, she automatically feels defensive no matter
what I say.
So trying to understand what you do and how your voice changes and how your facial expressions
change when you're upset or in disagreement and being able to control that can really
help in a situation of an argument.
Now, how do you argue with a spouse?
When you have a partner in life, there will always be arguments because at the end of
the day, you're different people, you have different points of views, and not having
any arguments is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
So don't be afraid of having arguments from time to time.
However, in those situations, it's even more important to stick to the gentleman rules
otherwise, your relationship may suffer and it may even lead to divorce down the line.
So in those situations, the need to constantly win can really have a long term damaging effect.
So keep in mind that it's not always you who has to be right but you have to be open that
the other person is right as well, that you give it to them and you admit that.
Don't just brush concerns of your significant other aside or disengage and walk away or
maybe pout.
It's important to keep a dialogue going and to be honest and open until you resolve the
issue and you both forgive each other or admit the other person's position or continue in
a meaningful way.
That can be very emotional but it's important to try to show that you work on something
together rather than you just go to your corner and hoping that the other person comes after
you.
Don't bring up threats like I'm going to divorce you or I'm going to leave you or anything
of that kind in an argument because that is designed to shut down the conversation right
then and there which actually does not solve the issue, it just stops the discussion and
the resolution.
Don't bring up past transgressions or past fights that were already resolved.
If they're truly not resolved, maybe you have to sit down and discuss why it keeps coming
up over and over again and there may be an underlying issue but it can be unfair to go
back in old patterns and say things like "You're always like that!
Remember, your'e doing it again!"
Unless of course it's justified but doing it in such aggressive accusatory manner will
not help you in the argument.
Don't exaggerate actions of your spouse or the partner in your argument because that
will just enrage them more and it will be more emotionally charged, it will give them
a reason to point out that you are wrong in that regard and if you're wrong in that regard,
you may also be wrong in anything else that you say.
So try to stick to the facts and don't over inflate your numbers or whatever it is that
you are talking about.
Also, don't offer a fake apology or be sarcastic because that will immediately shut down the
conversation.
A good thing to keep in mind is rather than criticizing the person, criticize the action.
It takes out that personal element and chances are that your significant other will feel
less attacked by it and therefore be able to continue to keep the conversation going.
In conclusion, to argue like a gentleman, it's one of the most difficult things to do
because it means that you have to be vulnerable, you have to accept that you can be wrong,
you have to admit that your opinions are maybe not always right, you have to listen to others
and you have to keep the conversation going.
This is particularly difficult in a society where winning or weakness as a man is considered
as bad but in the long term, if you do those things, if you are tolerant, open minded,
and respectful of others, you will get respect back, it will help you in your career path
cos people will look at you as someone that has honest rules and judges himself and others
by the same standards so you are not a hypocrite but a good person and it will also help you
to grow and to become better and at the end of the day, win in that regard which is more
important than winning in a simple argument just by being louder or more right than the
other person.
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on what it means to be a gentleman today, here.
And for more videos, stay tuned!