Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema.
This week we are looking at Mean Girls, the 2004 smash hit
written by one-time Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.
A true departure from Palin's other work, the film documents the sociopolitical climate
of the American "high school," one of the most terrifying and dangerous places on Earth.
Our protagonist is Cady Heron,
a teenaged human female who was raised on the continent of Africa.
Africa was inhabited primarily by animals, so when Cady's family moves to
the American province of Illinois, she must interact with other humans for the first time.
Cady quickly discovers that her posh life in the plains of Africa could never prepare
her for the brutal savagery of the American public school system.
"The girls have gone wild!" – Teacher
We are introduced to their social order in a highly anthropological manner
"Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Burnouts, Desperate Wannabes...
Beware of the Plastics." – Janis
...much in the same way Cady's zoologist parents would classify the five animal species of Africa:
horses, tall horses, dogs, birds,
and...
"You're a lion." – Cady's Dad
These subdivisions form the basis of the American "high school" experience: segregation, ostracization,
and humiliation – not necessarily in that order. Though there are adult humans present, they
are largely decorative. The school is controlled by a student named Regina George.
Her first name, Regina, comes from the word "regis," which means "king" in Latin,
the primary language of Earth. And her last name, George, is a reference to either the British ruler
from whom America took its independence or the clown prince of New York.
Either way, royalty.
Regina rules with an iron fist, implementing a strict dress code
"On Wednesdays, we wear pink." – Karen
"You know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right?" – Gretchen
...and striking fear in the hearts of anyone who would dare cross her, and most who wouldn't.
"One time, she punched me in the face... – Student
"One time, she punched me in the face... it was awesome." – Student
As part of her royal duties, Regina uses an official ledger to keep track of all the females in her class.
"I mean that's just, like, the rules of feminism!" – Gretchen
It becomes a sort of bible, which is appropriate, since, like Earth's Christian bible, it's
just a list of people's names and some rumors about them.
The religion of "high school" is a complicated one with constantly shifting mores and attitudes,
but it basically boils down to this: math is gross, and clothes are everything.
"You look awesome!"
"I know, right?"
The "American Dream" is to walk confidently down hallways.
Also important is their preoccupation with locking mouths,
a pagan ritual meant to indicate approval.
But despite the peaceful coexistence of many disparate groups, there is tension in the ranks.
"You can't sit with us!" – Gretchen
Regina is a dictator continuing in the footsteps of such noted tyrants as
Adolf Hitler, Jimmy Carter, and Julius Caesar.
"We should totally just stab Caesar!" – Gretchen
And like them, she would eventually be overthrown.
Indeed, as the total annihilation of the human species would later prove,
all great dynasties must eventually fall.
As is typically the case, this revolution is spurred by the proletariat.
Together, the outcasts stage a coup to oust their leader
using undercover espionage, military strategy, and biological warfare.
At the end of the film, Regina's throne has been usurped and Cady is coronated.
However, she rejects the crown, dismantling the monarchy in favor of a new, more egalitarian system:
Communism.
For Earthling Cinema, I am Garyx Wormuloid.