Spoiler alert.
Not to mention the trashy tattoo.
Is this your skin?
Oh, my God.
Dad killed me.
Oh, my God. He killed me too, a lot.
See?
Concentrate, Klaus.
I think you're getting the hang of it, boy.
Hotel Obsidian,
I missed you, you slutty old dame.
Absorb her.
Absorb her into your bosom.
You know, 'cause back in her heyday,
she played host to world leaders:
Roosevelt, Gandhi, Stalin, Gorbachev,
Castro, King Olav of Norway,
one of the Kim Jongs, Tito, Dalai Lama, Elvis,
and not one, but two Kardashians, allegedly.
This is someone's idea of heaven?
What the…
-Hey, buddy. -You.
-No. -Get back here.
Get… Get back here!
That tickles.
Let me go!
How have you died 56 times and come back to life?
That's a trick question,
'cause I didn't know that I was doing that.
Well, what did you think you were doing?
I just thought I was one of those lovable,
rascally Looney Tunes characters.
Hit me on the head with a hammer
and I see some cartoon birds.
And then, bop, I get back up.
This is nothing compared to what I endured
when I was your age.
You know, he once gave me six months laundry duty.
Six months, just for pawning
one of his stupid, priceless artefacts from Mexico.
Well, it turns out, it did have a price, Dad,
and that price was $35 for meth.
Thank you very much.
Laundry duty doesn't really seem that bad.
Well, it is when you know
what your brothers do into their socks.
He's an alien.
We're trying not to use that kind of terminology here.
And I know, it's whoa PC,
but you could just say he's…
British.
Ever since you weaned me off those damned pills…
I'd like to return the favour,
help you to understand who you really are.
Would you like that?
There's nothing I'd like more,
other than a probiotic yoghurt
that doesn't make me fart.
Then get over here, boy.
Okay.
We are going to Pennsylvania
to find…
my birth mother.
-Yay! -Excuse me?
I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.
I just needed somebody to come with me
for emotional support.
-Oh, emotional support? -Yeah.
Like a Schnauzer.
Yeah, and I knew you wouldn't come
if I told you, so what was I--
You're goddamn right I wouldn't have come, Klaus.
You know why?
Because I am supposed to be retired.
Yeah, I know. I know.
This was to be a carefree road trip.
Well, it still can be, babe.
Ball of twine. Klaus, turn!
-Ball of twine! Turn! -What?
-Five! -Turn!
It's one of the best ones! Come on!
-Five, we're gonna die! -I don't care! Let's go!
Know what? No twine, no birth mother!
You're so Amish.
-You're so-- -I'm kidding.
We have all the channels here.
But mostly, I watch you.
Even the naughty bits?
You tricked me.
See? Too slow!
-Again! -You're a terrible father!
Again.
-Come on. -No. Put it back.
Okay, you caught me.
All of it, please. Yes. Yes.
I thought you were supposed to be the fun uncle.
I know, me too.
Can I just keep one thing?
All right. You can keep the panties.
Ben-erino.
You look so much better alive than you do dead.
Am I right?
Except that haircut.
What the hell did you just say?
Come on, come on, stop with all the hostility,
Mr. Grumpy Pants.
Oh, wow. Nice scar.
Muy macho.
Shut your mouth.
You shut your mouth and just hug your brother.
What the hell?
Think I figured this out.
Six minutes.
Four minutes.
Two minutes. Excellent!
-You two are hanging now? -Yeah.
We laughed, we cried. We played in traffic.
And, long story short, I'm immortal now.
Whoa, whoa, wait. You're what now?
-Oh, gimme that. -What happened to you?
Oh, just a spear gun to the chest. No big deal.
I'm glad you came along.
You're a good brother.
All right, all right, you say nice things
about me now.
Let's go find your stupid mother.
Love you too, tiny dancer.
I'd love to stay here idly chatting,
but I'm terribly busy.
Yeah, well, too bad,
'cause everything's leading me back to you,
back to here, the White Buffalo Suite.
The menudo that resembled the painting.
You know about the White Buffalo Suite.
That's where I died.