[APPLAUSE]
It's the holiday season!
It is.
Do you like the holidays?
No.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh.
You know what?
I actually, this year, I went to London for Thanksgiving.
And I went there accidentally last year for Thanksgiving.
I wasn't supposed to.
I ended up there.
And I had more Thanksgivings in London
than I ever had here in the States
because all the American people that live over there celebrate.
So it was actually really nice celebrating an American holiday
not in America.
So I decided to do it again this year.
So you went, and you know people there?
I've started to meet people, yeah.
Yeah.
So you went to-- like, whose-- you went to a friend's house
for Thanksgiving?
No, I put an ad out on Craigslist, and I just said--
Oh, come on now.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I have some friends, like American friends,
that live there.
So for me, the holidays are always just--
I don't like when everybody is organized and doing
the same thing on an exact day.
Yeah.
It's too organized for me.
I like a little chaos.
Right.
So I like unplanned activities.
So it was fun to do it there.
It was like, you know, they're getting
into the holiday spirit.
It's a nice time of year.
So it was really nice.
I'm kind of getting back to my holiday spirit roots,
if you will.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Good.
Maybe I'll celebrate Christmas.
Who knows?
I was going to say, will you go there for Christmas then?
No, they asked me not to come back another two years.
I see.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm not allowed in London anymore.
Oh, no.
Now, do you know any of the royal family?
Did you-- do you--
I slept with all of them.
Yes, of course.
[LAUGHTER]
No, that happened right after I left.
They waited for me to exit the country before they
made that big announcement.
Oh.
Because they didn't want me to steal their thunder.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I see.
[LAUGHS] Is that right?
The royal family has always been like that with me.
Yeah.
Do you know any of them?
I know the queen.
Do you?
Yeah, of course.
I mean, she was my summer camp counselor in New Jersey.
[LAUGHTER]
Like where third and fourth grade.
All right.
But yeah.
I'm going to stop asking questions now.
[LAUGHTER]
So did you--
Do you know the royal family?
No.
I'm related to Kate Middleton, though.
And she refuses to acknowledge it.
[LAUGHTER]
Has she been on this show?
No.
She won't even acknowledge that I'm asking her on the show.
She's my 15th cousin, I found out.
And so that's pretty close.
How did you find that out?
On 23andMe or whatever?
No, somebody told me that.
And they told-- I'm related to Madonna, and Halle Berry,
and Kate Middleton.
[LAUGHTER]
And those are the three people I'm--
someone told me.
And we looked it up, and it's true.
And she doesn't care.
Well, does she know that you have a television show?
Well, I would assume so.
Well, that's being pretty presumptuous, Ellen.
I mean, we can't just assume that--
Yeah.
--the royal family is exposed to all the things
that we're exposed to.
Well, how could she not know I have a television show?
Is she that sheltered?
Well, I mean--
[LAUGHTER]
--maybe.
I mean, maybe she's holed up in her castle,
you know, counting her rings.
I don't know what she--
Well, I've seen her out doing things.
She--
Well, you need to confront her.
I am.
[LAUGHTER]
And that chick that's now engaged to that Prince Harry--
[LAUGHS]
--has met me before.
And so now, I have an in because I'm
going to get in touch with her.
Just go-- I think a lot of people
are going to go through that woman who just
got engaged to Harry to get in.
Yeah, because we have--
Like, if she can get in, we can all get in.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, she was the case 24 woman on "Deal or No Deal."
She worked on "Deal or No Deal."
She was the model.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And--
Wow.
You've looked into this.
No.
I found out because she told a story in like some magazine
that she was at a rescue place for dogs,
and Portia and I walked in.
And I said, is that your dog?
And she said, no.
And I said, you should take that dog home.
So she did because I told her to.
[LAUGHTER]
So I heard about that story.
So that's how I know about her.
Seems like you have a thing with the royal family.
[LAUGHS] No.
Seems like it's you that really wants
to get into the royal family.
It just seems like they should want me in.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what it feels like.
It doesn't feel good to not be wanted.
Yeah.
I know that's for sure.
Yeah.
Well, I know.
Speaking of that, the last time we played here--
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
--because you're still single.
You chose John Stamos, and yet, you're still single.
I can't get anybody to date me.
You know, I mean, and I'm not really that interested,
to be quite honest.
You know, a little sex here and there isn't even that
interesting to me anymore.
I need either to be really interested-- there's
too many things going on in the world
that I want to be focused on.
Right.
So boys and stuff like that, I mean,
he'd have to be really fantastic to get me to lose my focus.
Right.
That's how I feel.
Are you on dating apps?
Yes.
So you're interested enough that you're kind of searching.
Well, I'm trying to see if, like, do I still even like sex?
I mean, I don't think about it a lot.
So I was worried maybe I forgot about it, you know?
[LAUGHTER]
And that's good when you're traveling.
Dating apps are kind of the thing that--
Right.
--is the most transactional way to achieve
what you want to achieve.
Right.
But the period of time in the morning, the sex
is never good enough to account for having to get somebody out
of your hotel room.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, like, that period of five to seven minutes that
can almost lead to an hour sometimes, when you're like,
I got to-- and they know you're on vacation,
so you have nowhere to be, you know what I mean?
Right.
So you just have to say, I have an appointment, and lie.
Right.
And that spins out.
And so I'm just not really--
Right.
I can't go down that road.
Right.
Do-- and when--
It doesn't seem like you understand.
Not really.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't understand because I would be so scared
to let someone I don't know into my hotel room,
even though they're checked out, I guess,
and everything with those dating apps.
But still, you're inviting some strange guy into your--
Well, I feel like I'm safer in a hotel room
with a bunch of staff around.
But, I mean, don't use-- take my advice,
for little girls watching or anything.
You know, please don't--
[LAUGHTER]
I don't want any weird emails, OK, like I told your daughter--
I didn't tell you anything.
I'm just telling you what I'm doing.
[LAUGHTER]
And I'm living a truthful life, OK?
I'm being honest.
Yeah.
But I feel like you're safer in a hotel room because--
I mean, not in a hotel room.
No, you shouldn't say that.
I mean, you're never really safe.
But like, around all those people,
you can suss them out in a bar scene--
Right.
--and be like, all right, are you
going to come-- you know, it's not like I'm trying
to hang out with these people.
Right.
And so you haven't met anybody really great?
No, I haven't met anybody really great.
I mean, maybe I never will.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for it, you know?
I don't think love is the answer, do you?
Oh, I do think love is the answer.
But I don't think that everyone has to have a forever partner.
You may just be somebody that likes to date.
But I do-- for me, monogamy is everything.
And I like having someone to share my life with
and someone to call me on my stuff.
And, you know, I think you need to have someone in your life--
Yeah, yeah.
--that's nearer to you, you know?
Yeah.
But I think you can find love in many different ways.
You know, some of my best girlfriends are like--
I trust more than anybody.
My sisters.
Right.
You know?
Like, I get that from so many people.
I'm not making excuses.
You know, obviously, I'm alone and single, lonely.
[LAUGHTER]
But I do think it is important for women to have a positive
outlook about-- in, you know, inhabiting that single time--
Yes.
--and being powerful about it because it is empowering
to know who you are and to know that I won't settle
for anything less than, you know, what
I would bring to the table.
I agree with that.
Never settle for anything less.
That is true.
[CHEERING]