- [Announcer] Welcome to Set List Stand Up Without a Net
live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival!
(applauding and cheering)
Where some of the UK's favorite comedians
are coming onstage with no preparation whatsoever.
We'll tell 'em what they're gonna be talking about
in stand up created in the moment and under pressure.
- [Host] Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome
the never before seen set list of Mr. Marcus Brigstocke!
(applauding and cheering)
- [Marcus] Thank you very much!
It's good to be--I, uh, yeah.
Fucking exciting at the Fringe, and on the way here,
the maddest thing happened to me.
(audience laughing)
'Cause there's a lot of shows at the Fringe,
and a lot of different people come here, ya know?
And like no everybody's doing a good show, you know?
(audience laughing)
That's the sad truth of the festival, ya know?
Like everybody's trying to do a good show,
that's why I like it, but there is one guy
at this year's festival for whom, I gotta say,
selling his show has been fucking hard,
and I know 'cause I'm in the same venue as him.
(audience laughing)
And a lot of the lesbian gay community in Edinburgh
have been going, hoping that it'd be really camp,
but it isn't. (audience laughing)
It isn't, really, it's just like a basic show.
And at points, you know, he's like a lot
of the dangerous comics like, it gets pretty dark at points.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, he just had a shitty old show tonight.
And I went past him, and he's trying to hail a cab.
(audience cheering)
And I was like, man, they're not gonna stop,
not like that, please.
(audience laughing)
He's a nice guy, he's a nice guy.
Yeah, so like I haven't always done stand up.
Before this, I ran a farm, I ran a farm.
That's where I got the show.
(audience laughing)
And--ran a farm, and the farm that I ran was a farm--
originally, I was in sheep,
and then I was caught, and then a...
(audience laughing)
And so I'm not--I wasn't allowed to do that.
And so I had to move on to something that at least
had a chance of out running me, and that's--
(audience laughing)
That is when I got into farming goats.
But could I keep them in the pen?
Could I?
Fuck, ya know, like, they would just leg it.
They'd scamper all the time,
and they just fuckin' escaping.
And that's when it struck me,
the second worst idea I've ever had.
(audience laughing)
And I set up initially like it was just, it was just like
local tours, hill walks, stuff that I felt would appeal.
I think where it broke down as a business model
was when I charted a plane to the Maldives.
(audience laughing)
Now pretty oppressive Islamic state now, the Maldives.
They still, no matter, like it's their place,
their rules right?
But that was a massive overreaction
to a plane full of goats.
(audience laughing)
Ina-fucking-propriate!
They have beards!
(audience laughing)
I thought at least that would curry some favor,
but oh my fucking God, the fuss they made.
'Cause like the boy goats were fine,
but then the nanny goats had to wear veils, and...
(audience laughing)
Oh fuck it, it was a nightmare.
All right, we reached that point in the evening
and I think we could all be honest about it, can't we?
There isn't one of us here who isn't deep down,
on some level, a fan of bukkake.
(audience laughing)
Right?
If you're not familiar with bukkake,
it is the polite name they give to a form
of pornographic entertainment,
I don't know where it came from.
Bukkake is the practice of a huge number of men,
well, in the stuff I look at anyway.
(audience laughing)
I won't look at anything less
than 50 men involved in bukkake scenes.
And they just unload.
(squirting noises)
One after the other into a woman's face.
And I, you know--for me, that's always been
a strange moment in porn, the coming on the face thing.
Because there's a requirement, isn't there, really?
For the actress, and I do think of them as actresses,
because so many of them are here at the Fringe.
(audience laughing)
One of them is doing a show where she plays Adolph Hitler,
and it's a tough fuckin' sell.
(audience laughing)
They have to do a face that is a mixture of encouragement,
but also, fuck me, that's disgusting.
(audience laughing)
And a great many of them of course blinded
by the force of seminal ejection.
(moaning)
Fuck, this like.
So my favorite now, I like really niche porn.
(audience laughing)
Really fucking niche.
I like porn so niche that you can finish it on the internet.
That you can know that you've seen all
of the available pages.
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's like a Dave Gorman Google whack off, right?
(audience laughing and cheering)
It's difficult to do, to narrow porn down,
so I now am looking just for the moment really
where a girl who's already been blinded
by the force of an ejaculation,
and is just left with one eye,
the representation, if you will,
of the classical giant figure, the cyclops
with the famous one eye,
then has the cope with the unleashing
of spunk into that eye.
There's a reason I don't do
dirty comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience laughing)
Because I can't maintain eye contact during it.
(audience laughing)
And the irony of that--I'm no Mike Wilmot.
(audience laughing)
All right, let's split into two groups.
(audience laughing)
I was lucky enough early this year
at the Haye-on-Wye Literary Festival
to meet Hans Blix, Dr. Hans Blix,
who was sent out to inspect weapons,
and also featured in a famous film.
(audience laughing)
"Team America: World Police."
And the moment they said we're gonna introduce you
to Hans Blix, I was like, holy shit, this is a tense moment.
'Cause all I could think of was oh hello, Hans Blix.
(audience laughing)
But, this is true, he walked up to me
and somebody said Professor Blix,
this is Marcus Brigstocke, comedian.
And he said, hello, it is very nice to meet you,
as you see, I have not been eaten by sharks.
(audience laughing)
I was like, yay!
Yay, so.
But I'm gonna go with Kim Jong-il, 'cause I like hip hop,
and he's just the illest.
(audience laughing)
Kim Jong-un, un what?
It's like the beginning of a French sentence.
Kim Jong-un baguette.
(audience laughing)
All right, so.
All right.
Well, as ya know, it's a theme for me,
when I do stand up to touch on mythical figures.
I've always mentioned the cyclops.
(audience laughing)
And now I'm gonna mention a,
just a great guy from the Bible.
(audience laughing)
Just a made up man who stood aboard the deck of an Ark,
smug as you fuckin' like, and watched everybody he knew,
and all the animals, drown.
Just near the edge of the Ark like that, just like.
(audience laughing)
It's all very well saying God's a dick,
but we're okay up here.
(audience laughing)
And they're like I'm tempted to paddle the Ark
in your direction and beat you to death with an oar,
because if you drown, your meat's gonna spoil,
and I need something for the leopards.
(audience laughing)
But Noah was at sea for a long time,
they said 40 days and 40 nights.
I think.
(audience laughing)
That's a long time, he had his wife there
but she was busy, ya know, there were pairs
of animals to look after, and stuff.
So he had to keep himself busy.
And of course God favored him so much,
it wasn't just an Ark he had him build,
it was also a laptop that was one cubit, and uh...
(audience laughing)
One cubit for the laptop, and another 60 for the hard drive.
End of an evening, he would look up,
he would look up things that he then had to delete.
And it was embarrassing for him, it's embarrassing.
But, ya know, who knows, who knows what Noah looked at.
Dirty, dirty fucker.
I mean, when he eventually arrived at Mount Sinai,
that laptop was clear of all memory.
And you can be sure, ladies.
If you don't have an internet history showing
on your laptop at home, your partner wanks a lot.
(audience laughing)
You could be absolutely sure of that.
But, regardless of Noah's being favored by God
and the two of them watching all
of the world drown and stuff,
he was an inspirational figure, ya know?
He was the first man who decided
to take goats from one place...
(audience laughing)
And sail them to another and give them a holiday,
and without him, I would be nowhere.
I wouldn't have set up by Yope Travel Agency.
That's it for me for me, you've been delightful.
Thank you so much.
(applauding and cheering)
(rock music)