[Music]
[Applause]
should you always feel happy this is the
question that we started with and that
the group voted on for our one hundred
and twenty-fifth discussion in Bangkok
Thailand I was facilitating a group of
about 18 people strangers and friends
sitting in a circle of chairs in a small
room there were a lot of opinions and
that question should you always feel
happy but there's one opinion that is
stuck with me up until today a young
Thai lady who had joined for the first
time spoke up
she wasn't fluent in English but she
really had something to say and she had
tears on her eyes when she said
I don't always feel happy I've struggled
with depression my entire life and
there's been times when I thought the
world might be a better place without me
and I've tried to end it a few times I
want to tell my parents and boyfriend
how I feel but I can't they don't want
to listen
looking around at the group I saw
everyone leaning in giving her
encouragement given her smiles making
eye contact with her i facilitated over
900 of these discussions but these
moments of unexpected power bravery and
honesty
they still surprised me not only that
the young lady might be sharing her
feelings of depression for the very
first time but what was it that made her
feel comfortable enough to share
something so personal in front of a
group of people that were strangers just
30 minutes before I think it's because
of the environment of empathy that we
look to create throughout our
discussions over the past 14 years I
think it's because she felt listened to
when she looked around she saw people
have shared her feelings and that
creates an environment where she can be
herself without fear it also highlights
something that I found to be very true
that facilitated discussions are one of
the best ways to create empathy you
might be wondering how we set up these
discussions that matter so I'll tell you
we sit in a circle of chairs set them up
so that everyone can see each other and
once everyone gets settled down this is
how we start welcome this is a free and
brave space for you to share your ideas
and your thoughts to be who you want to
be and open your minds and new ideas
there are a few ground rules first as
the facilitator I'm only gonna ask
questions and not share my opinion this
isn't about me this is all about you
second there are no right or wrong
answers I only ask that you share your
opinions with respect and third please
stay with us at this discussion for the
next hour without electronics please
turn off your smartphones laptops
Gameboys beepers and if you have them
fact
machines be here with humans and without
technology also this isn't a rule but
just a warning we're gonna start with a
question and we most likely will end
with even more questions simple right
after that we pass out these cards and
people write down any question they want
on the back open-ended questions
ones that aren't easy to answer with a
yes or a No
I want to share with you a few of the
questions we've had over the past year
what's the difference between a boss and
a leader is there a god and this one is
a really tough one can men and women
ever just be friends
I'm not sure if we'll ever find out the
answer but we dive deep into these
discussions and we make sure that
everyone has the chance to share
discussions that matter are challenging
and it's normal to have strong opinions
and even stronger disagreements take
John one of our regulars he really
really really does not like guns and the
question we started with should guns be
legal there are a few first ideas and
then John shared his true feelings
he thought gun owners are uneducated and
that guns cause much more harm than
anything else he didn't know it but
right across from him was Adam a
professor and father who defended his
family against a vinyl attack just last
month with you might have already
guessed it a gun
I could tell looking at the group that
people were feeling uncomfortable from
the body language as a facilitator I was
watching this unfold right in front of
me these two men with very different
views on the issue so I asked what I
asked throughout most of these sessions
does anyone agree or disagree I opened
the door for sharing to happen I really
didn't know what was gonna what was
gonna happen next
and then Adam the professor asked his
own question
what would you do if you were walking
back to your car with your wife and
daughter and then came to rob you what
would you do
John's idea throw the money and run adam
said well it happened to me and i wasn't
sure if they just wanted the money or if
they wanted the car to and i wasn't sure
if we could outrun them but I had my
firearm I threatened them that I would
use it and that's how I and my family
got away without more trouble John had
to come to terms with the fact that this
gun owner was educated was intelligent
and it seemed like the gun really did
help he had to deal with what
psychologists would call cognitive
dissonance when your opinion is met with
information that challenges it he had to
respect that first-hand experience that
he heard and not just what he saw on the
news don't get me wrong John still
disagreed with owning a gun there are
all sides of the issue in all opinions
but everyone got a chance to have a
little bit of viewpoint diversity and
see the other side and these moments
when two people who strongly disagree
have a healthy Avenue to have a
discussion that matters this doesn't
happen online or in books it only
happens during well facilitated
face-to-face discussions we currently
have discussions that matter in five
countries with 100 volunteer
facilitators made up of 30 nationalities
we've had discussions with over 10,000
people from topics ranging from food to
tough ones like religion and I'm proud
to say not one punch has been thrown and
no one has ever been kicked out of one
of our discussions I think it's because
people know they're being listened to as
a facilitator like it says on my shirt
I'm a catalyst I'm a process expert
I'm designing the best possible process
to lead to the best possible outcomes
for the group as a whole I'm becoming
invisible I'm asking powerful questions
I'm not teaching or preaching the
discussion on guns had my heart pumping
too I had all my own ideas running
through my head but as a facilitator
it's my job to ask the next question to
be an observer to see what the group is
saying and always I try to give the
majority a glimpse of the minority
opinion so when everyone thinks guns are
great I'm gonna ask a question that
shows them the other side and vice versa
as a facilitator I'm also looking to see
who in the group wants to speak up
people leaning forward maybe with their
hand over their mouth this lets me know
it's time to ask any other ideas and use
my own body language to encourage them
and give them a smile I'm also aware of
people who need to speak a little bit
less and listen a little bit more for
talkative people I'm helping them pace
themselves understand there's others in
the group and know what healthy
dialogues are made of it's highly
effective people are less defensive they
put their guards down and they open up
as facilitators we paved the way to let
people know that they can throw their
ideas in let them get pushed and pulled
around and challenged you know opinions
don't always have to be taken personally
I say this because my father's from Iran
and my mother's an American who has
raised Jewish I saw growing up that
there are complete differences all
around the world and I've seen tension
as cultures come together in clash but
I've also seen that with understanding
love is built when I was about five
years old
my Iranian grandparents came to live
with us in our home in the u.s. we
didn't speak the same language but I
wanted to have a conversation with them
I wanted to learn from them I loved them
I just needed to find a way to hear them
so we took hours using our smiles our
hands and we all did our best to
communicate and to listen and this has
been one of my greatest lessons in
practicing empathy I've taken that
feeling with me throughout my life my
young curiosity for learning about
people and cultures and as I got older I
realized it wasn't just my grandparents
that needed to be given voice it was
people that were stereotyped overlooked
put into boxes are misrepresented that
is one of the driving forces why for the
past 14 years every week on every
continent I found myself on I've done
everything I could to create a free
brave and safe space for people to have
discussions that matter it's always been
my hope that people see that we're much
more United than divided the format I
use is called Aristotle's cafe no it's
not a coffee shop it's a format it's a
framework a tool that you can use
anytime you have people to sit and share
their ideas it's a place to confront
prejudice uncover assumptions and build
community
you know we have all these conflicts in
the world all around us in the u.s. it's
Democrat and Republicans in other places
it's war zones a fight for resources
religion at the core of all these
conflicts is a lack of communication and
empathy we have all this information
coming at us from all sides now faster
than ever and all these conflicts and in
the world that's more connected than
we've ever been we're becoming more
polarized and more isolated and we're
simply not talking anymore I'd like for
you just for a moment to think about the
people that you love
and the people that you interact with
every day think about the last
disagreement the last time you were on
opposite sides of an idea are you taking
those moments as opportunities to build
understanding or are you running away
from them if you ask me about what
empathy is empathy is a muscle you have
to use it to build it you have to
practice it to build it you might want
to become a facilitator with Aristotle's
cafe or you might want to join one of
our discussions but no matter what I
encourage you just like that young Thai
woman from the beginning who wasn't
always happy be honest
be brave
just like John and Adam on guns share
your opinion if you feel strongly but be
ready to hear the opposite side too and
I encourage you to take their lead and
take this philosophy with you start
practicing empathy and start having more
discussions that matter thank you
you