Do you know what? Maybe some people just don't deserve any forgiveness but maybe
it's not about them. Let's talk about how to forgive your ex and move on.
Is it even possible forgiving someone who's hurt you as much as they have? You know
what, right up front, just consider the alternative because this is a legitimate
option, alright. Instead of forgiving your ex and moving on, what if you didn't?
What if you held on to the grievance, you know? That nasty festering boiling
sense of having been mistreated and you just hang on to that and let it fester
and boil inside of you until it just erupts into all kinds of heinous and
evil things that you're perfectly capable of doing. What if you just hang
on to it? How does that sound? I know but since, it's a legitimate option, let's go
there first. Four steps today for hanging on to it, for not letting it go, for
letting it and just boil up inside of you. Here's what you do. Number one, get
hurt. Oh, check, done, already there. Yeah, that one's not hard but it's important,
you have to get hurt. Step number two, over personalize the offense. I want you
to notice here that every offense has both a personal and an impersonal
component to it, you got both parts, you might consider for example thinking, how
is this about me? Well, it kind of is about you because it is you, it happened
to you, right? How is it not about you? You know, I have to share something about one
of my clients recently who went kind of a nasty breakup and divorce. In
the context of this breakup, she discovered for the first time that when
she got to know her husband years earlier, he was already married to
someone else but she didn't know that.
Now can you see how going through this breakup is about her? Because it is her,
it's her life, it's her little baby she has to take
care of all on her own now. Can you see how this is not about her? Because her ex
is not only doing this to her but he's done it to someone in the past too. Oh, so
maybe it's not all about her but to form a really great grievance, you have to
over personalize the offense, you take it as personally as you possibly can, it's
all about you and it's all about this evil person who wanted to and intended
to and succeeded in hurting you. Yeah, you with me? Nice. Let's go to step number
three, you blame. You blame someone else and you know who to blame to for how you
feel. It's not my fault and then you make sure that you hang it all on your ex,
they're the ones who are responsible for your misery, you have to blame them and
blame them loudly too which leads to step number four, create and tell a victim
story, publicize it far and wide about how you are a pitiful victim. This is not
your fault, it's that evil terrible horrible no good
very bad villain in this story who's to blame for everything. The victim story is
all about you being a pitiful victim and that big nasty evil villain is
responsible for all of your misery and share that story far and wide, post it on
social media, make youtube videos about it,
you just go out there and share it everywhere you can, it'll start to take
on a life of its own too so which is kind of cool because then it drives
itself. How we doing? Are you enjoying this
grievance? Well you know how to keep one if that's your choice.
Now let's look at the contrast, okay, because the video is all about how do I
forgive my ex and move on. I just think you need to know how to not forgive and
hang on to it and don't move on and stay stuck so we've been clear about that,
let's get clear about how to forgive and move on. Step number one, activate your
brain. Now your brain is always active, okay. But different parts of your brain
do different things and there's a different part of your brain, it's
located down near the brainstem in the limbic system area that's in charge of
the fight-or-flight response. This is your natural reaction to a perceived
threat and you're designed to respond chemically with a fight-or-flight
response. That's not the part of your brain we want to activate, that one's
already fired up, we want to activate this part right behind your forehead,
your prefrontal cortex, this area of your brain that is responsible for logic,
problem solving, rational thought and also some cool things like empathy and
compassion and respect, alright, that's driven by these higher
cortical areas, that's the part we want to activate. Sometimes we've got to get
the limbic system the fight-or-flight response in our brain to chillax a
little bit, to calm down so that we can redirect the blood flow back up front to
do all of those cool things that the prefrontal part of your brain handles.
What I would recommend is breathe, just breathe, take some slow measured deep
breaths in through the nose, hold briefly, feel the stretch, out through the mouth
nice and slow. Doing that has a physiological effect that it helps you
to just chill a little bit. Sometimes exercise or yoga or listening
to some soothing music. These are all things that can help us to step one,
activate our brain. The part of our brain that's gonna help us to solve the
problem, not the part that has us fighting or running away, that one just
causes more problems. Step number two, reframe this whole thing in a way that
allows you to take it less personally. You might need a little bit of help with
this which is one reason why I and other coaches get enrolled to talk this
through because when you're looking at it inside of your own head and from
inside of your own skin, it's hard to see a different perspective sometimes. What
if you could see a perspective that helps you to take it less personally?
Remember only part of this is about you, it is you and that's why it's easy to
take it personally but it's not about you. So often it's
about the choices of other people, it's about circumstances or history that are
completely outside of your control. Remembering that helps you to do step
two, to take it less personally. Step number three, take full responsibility
for how you feel. I'm not saying you take full responsibility or blame for what
happened, that's not what I'm talking about for how you feel. You're never
wrong about how you feel, how you feel is a hundred percent consistent with the
way your mind is processing your experiences. Look through some of the
other videos on this channel and you can get other tips about that. Take
responsibility for how you feel. I remember running in group with a bunch
of teenagers once and one of the common things that I heard, "I'm bored" Okay, so we
took that on in group and we decided that anytime
anybody said I'm bored, they just needed to follow it up with and I take full
responsibility for that. This is what I'm talking about now, take full
responsibility for how you feel which puts the power right back in your hands.
This is good news then you're not at the mercy of someone that you think is
responsible for how you feel. How soon is the ex gonna change it for you, anyway?
Honestly, take full responsibility for how you feel.
Number four, create and tell a new story, a hero's story. In this version of the
story, you get to be the star, not your ex, not the villain, no, the hero. You get to
be the star of this one. I still remember a client I worked with years ago who was
severely severely mistreated by her ex, this guy was way out of line and I won't
even share all the details with you but you've got a great imagination. After
about four months of working with her here at the office, she came in and she
started to tell again the victims story about how she'd the poor little victim
was abused by the big angry villain and I stopped her, I said, "Hold on, pause. How
many hours have we met?" She's like, I think we've only been here about 20
minutes. No, I mean over the last four months, how many hours have we met?
And it was probably 25 to 30 hours that she and I had spent together, I said how
many of these hours have been about him? Oh, I think we've talked about him every
time. I said, yeah, I think so too. Who's paying for these sessions? Me.
Yeah, why are you paying for the sessions and they're all about him? Something
clicked in her mind and she started to realize you know what, he doesn't get to
have my sessions anymore. This is about me. We even did a little
thought experiment where I said, picture yourself driving up to the theater, you
know, it's the grand premiere, it's the opening night and you look up at the
marquee and it says Sarah's life starring John. Ooh, she didn't like that.
Who should this be starring? When you create a hero story, it is about you and
notice this too, this is true in Hollywood, all of the videos that have a villain,
why is the villain there? The only purpose for the villain is to illuminate
the hero and the bigger the villain, the bigger the hero. That's how we can tell
that it's a hero so sure you got a villain in your story but let's not let
them have the marquee, let's put them in the credits somewhere. You know at the
end of the movie that you have to stay longer to see, that's where they fit. Put
them in the credits, you get to be the headliner. Create a new story. I am so
honored to be part of your personal development team, let's draw some other
people into our circle. Click on the share buttons down below.