So you thought you'd get a great deal on a new starter home out in the country, move
in, and start a new life together with your best gal or guy or whatever pronoun they prefer.
Only after moving in you discover that the house is actually haunted by the spirit of
a dead witch who wants to do super witchy things like possessing you and making you
murder your whole family.
How are you going to fight and defeat the evil spirit of Bathsheba Sherman, a real witch
of a witch if we've ever seen one?
First, you should've chickety-checked yourself because you done gone and wrickety wrecked
yourself.
You're a millenial, in what make-believe fantasy can you afford even a run-down home somewhere
in the backwoods of god-knows-where?
You were born to be a wage-slave, but like a bad wage-slave you got dreams in your silly
little head of a middle class life like your parents got to enjoy- you know, back when
salaries kept pace with cost of living and inflation both and education and healthcare
weren't run like ruthless, cuthroat for-profit businesses.
The average starter home in the US is about shy of $300,000- which is still not a bad
price, except this figure is grossly skewed by homes for sale in low-end markets.
You know, places where people don't want to live.
If you actually want a home where human beings want to spend their lives, then you're looking
at about $700,000 in California, or $500,000 in New York metro area.
Considering that the average wage in America is about $49k, you'll be done paying off your
new home in about two or three lifetimes.
What we're getting at is that if some real estate broker comes to you with a house you
can actually afford, you damn well better start contacting the local historical society-
because we guarantee that place is more demonic than the black heart of a T-mobile CEO.
In your particular case, a quick trip to a local historian would've revealed that your
quaint little country home selling at half the going rate of any other home just so happens
to be the site of multiple murders and one suicide.
The killings go all the way back to Bathsheba Sherman, who tried to sacrifice her one week
old baby to Satan in order to prove her devotion.
Caught in the act, she instead ragequit from life and hung herself from a tree in the front
yard, cursing all the newbs would try to take her land.
Since then a string of mothers would go on to kill their children and then themselves,
which would have been great information to know before you bought this house.
Listen, tacos are delicious, but if someone is offering you a .25 cent taco, you'd probably
do a little research to figure out why it's so cheap.
You should've done the same with the house.
But it's too late, you're already financially tied up and all moved in.
That's when things start getting spooky.
First, burn or sell the old furniture.
Why would you even want some dead person's stuff anyways?
That's just creepy in and of itself.
Leave antique collecting to bored boomers and ditch all the old crap that came with
your new home.
Not only are you tossing out potentially haunted items, but you're also clearing up all that
cluttered space and leaving ghosts no room to hide behind crap and spook you.
Next, let's talk about all those slamming doors in the middle of the night.
Not only is that crap scary, but as we know from the film Bathsheba absolutely loves to
slam doors shut behind you and lock you in places.
Can we introduce you to the humble doorstop?
Slide one of these rubber bad boys under your door and let Bathsheba exhaust herself trying
to slam shut a door that won't budge.
K, now let's deal with the clocks all creepily stopping at 3:07 AM, the devil's hour.
This is important, because the devil's hour is allegedly an inversion of the time when
Jesus died on the cross at 3:07 PM.
Yeah, basically the devil's whole shtick is to do the opposite of what Jesus or God do-
wow, way to edgelord.
But finding clocks stopped at 3:07 AM can be a pretty spooky thing, so just get rid
of any old clocks.
Replace them with digital clocks, or even better, use your phone.
That thing is practically surgically grafted to your millenial hand anyways.
It might not seem like a big deal, but controlling the general levels of 'spookiness' is pretty
important, because Bathsheba isn't a ghost- she's a demonic spirit, and there's a big
difference.
Regular old dumb ghosts basically just do dumb ghost things like make rocking chairs
move or stare at you from the foot of your bed while you're sleeping.
One will probably do it to you tonight, and you won't even know unless you peep your eyes
open to check.
Try and not think about that when you shut the lights off and lay in bed tonight.
The point is, they scare almost by accident.
Demons and demonic spirits however scare on purpose, because fear means power.
The more afraid you are of them, the more powerful they become, which allows them to
manifest in even more terrifying ways which in turn makes you more scared which makes
them more powerful which allows them to manifest in more terrifying ways which in turn makes...
ok, you get it.
It's a vicious cycle, and a real witch thing to do.
But what do you expect from Bathsheba Sherman, she's a huge witch.
So what we're getting at is that the less afraid you are, the less power Bathsheba or
any other demon will have over you.
Try and make your environment as welcoming and happy as possible.
Flood the house with light, paint the walls bright, cheerful colors, and like we said
earlier- ditch the retro dead people furniture.
Replace that crap with Ikea stuff- sure, Ikea furniture may be cheap and break often and
early, but you have never in your life heard of a 'haunted Ikea dresser', or 'haunted Ikea
rocking chair'.
It can help to remind yourself that spirits actually have very little power over you-
at first.
Aside from doing a few spooky things, even the most vile, demonic spirit- like for example,
that of a deceased T-mobile VP in charge of marketing- can do little else than spook you
out when you first run into it.
But those spooks can be really unsettling, and really ratchet up the fear.
So try and keep in mind that Bathsheba can't actually hurt you unless you allow her to
by scaring you.
Oh sure, getting a door slammed in your face is super creepy, but remind yourself- if Bathsheba
wants you dead so badly, then why doesn't that witch just do it?
Oh that's right, cuz she's a weak little witch that can't do a thing to hurt you.
But let's say you made the mistake of ratcheting up the fear, and now people are getting dragged
down into the cellar by their legs, floating upside down on the ceiling while tied to a
chair, and doors are being supernaturally locked in your face.
First, let's take care of the door problem.
Buy a chainsaw, boom, door problem over.
Bathsheba can supernaturally lock a door in your face all she likes, but let's see her
stop 14,000 RPMs of all-American steel.
Honestly, if anyone in your house becomes possessed, chainsaw takes care of that problem
too.
Chainsaw takes care of a lot of problems is what we're saying.
But, alright, we hear you- “Infographics show, I don't want to chainsaw Batsheba out
of my new girlfriend, I just got her and I had to throw the last one off a cliff and
set a forest on fire around her and the one before that I yeeted out a castle window.”
Fine, you big baby, let's get your girlfriend unpossessed.
Get holy water, you need a lot of it.
Evil spirits hate holy water, and while crucifixes are nice to have around the house, we've seen
one too many scary movies with them turning upside down and getting thrown across the
room like ninja stars.
A priest would also be nice, but here's a secret- you can basically do an exorcism yourself...
if you have faith.
Now, you don't have to be a perfect goodie two-shoes, but you do have to have honest
faith in order to call on God for help.
The less faith you have and the more scared of Batsheba you become, well the more difficult
this whole thing is going to be.
But a good place to start is to tie your possessed girlfriend down, if you enjoy not getting
bit in the face and having your cheek torn off.
Here's a neat trick when performing amateur exorcisms- the demon is still physically inside
a human body.
If Bathsheba starts getting a little too uppity and witchy with her host body, just help her
to a rag soaked in ether for a few seconds.
Now, this isn't the movies so you're not going to instantly make someone pass out by holding
a rag soaked in ether over their nose and mouth, but we guarantee it's going to give
Batsheba's human host's body one hell of a chill pill.
With Bathsheba successfully subdued, it's time to continue the exorcism- and take the
opportunity to maybe double up on the restraints.
This part can take quite a while like we told you before, so you better be in for the long
haul if you don't have professional help.
And if not, well, can we recommend the Chainsaw?
Still no?
Ugh, fine.
You millennials really are awful entitled about your limbs, you know that?
Help your possessed girlfriend fight off Bathsheba by helping her focus on positive memories
from her life.
Since she's dating you, that probably means memories from back when she was single.
You might want to call a priest in real life now, because the sting of that Infographics
burn is going to haunt you for a while.
Listen, we hate to break it to you but the hippies had it right.
Positivity and good energy and happy emotions really are the key to defeating evil- both
the physical kind we face every day like a T-mobile employee trying to sign you up to
their abyssal service, and the spiritual kind like Bathsheba.
A happy soul doesn't make for a good home for a demon, remember Satan and his ilk are
level 10 edgelords, it's all about sarcasm and moping around in darkness and complaining
about happy, well-adjusted people and the things they like.
You know, literally any YouTube comments section.
So fire up those positive vibes, adopt a freegan lifestyle, become insufferable by saying Namaste
to everyone instead of thank you or you're welcome, and bring the happiness.
In no time you'll be so disgustingly positive that Batsheba will flee back to hell where
she belongs and leave you and your girlfriend alone.
And if that doesn't work, may we for a third time suggest the chainsaw?
Now go watch You vs Valak (The Nun), or click this other video instead.