- Tween Fest!
- Twe-Twe-Tween - Fest!
- Tween Fest!
- Ssssss
- What? Yeah! (mutters)
Hey guys! It's me, Austin Aaron Joshua.
- Yo, I'm Justin Taylor Tyler.
- Hey guys, it's Dustin Dustin Nathan.
- I'm Justin Taylor-Tyler-Impersonator
Jason Tyler Justin-Austin.
And I'm stoked AF to be performing at Tween Fest.
- Tween Fest is the first-ever 2 Weekend Outdoor Festival
- where all your favorite Social Media Influencers
- and Digital New Media Content Aggregators
- come together in one place: scenic Death Valley.
- Death Valley.
- Death Valley, California.
(vulture squawks)
- Forget about your parents.
- I have parents?
- They won't be there.
- They'll be out of your hair, attending Chaperone Fest at
- a mid-priced hotel two miles away.
- Two frickin' miles away, dude.
- Here's some of the crazy, cool acts you're gonna see.
- [Voiceover] A nut tap Q&A with Break.com's Fail Squad,
the live singing debut
of YouTube zit-popper Maddisyn Crawford,
anti-bullying activist Mark Piss,
a lecture from Facebook's science page
Science Fucking Makes Me Cum Big,
softly whispered comedy in the ASMRLOL Tent,
and a most epic grand finale, Ariana Grande
smiling and waving for six whole seconds.
- (clapping) Alright, let's fire this up.
Hello, Tween Fest.
Are you ready to have some fun?
Yeeeeaaaaahh.
(microphone feedback)
- Dad, you're a little close to the microphone.
- Oh, sorry (microphone feedback)
- Oh, Christ.
- Sorry.
(microphone feedback) Thank you, Maddisyn.
Come on, honey, what do ya think?
You like the stage?
- Yes.
- General aesthetic is in-your-face
as your generation would like it to be.
- Dad, every-- - It can be more.
- Dad, everything is fine, okay?
- I want it to be perfect for you.
We got 20,000 people coming here this weekend.
- (exhales) Wow.
- You don't think we need bathrooms, do you?
(squeaky honk from golf cart)
- Hey, Mr. Crawford.
- Hey, Ethan.
Look, Daddy's got his own unpaid intern.
Apparently, college credit is the same as money to him.
Wish I could pay everybody here with college credit.
(Maddisyn laughs)
Not you. Not you, sir, you absolutely
get real money.
Ethan, what can I do ya for?
- Oh, it's 12 o'clock, you have that thing.
- Ah yes, I have an interview with
one of the most esteemed journalists on the internet.
- Hey guys, it's me, Preston Stevens, aka @StopThePreston.
I am live-streaming here at Tween Fest.
I'm actually sitting right across from the founder,
Todd Crawford.
- Kid reporter, I've never seen that, it's really cute.
- Can the condescension, Todd.
This so-called festival is just
a blatant excuse to give your daughter stage time.
- Absolutely not.
- Then who's your first act?
- Well, it's...
my daughter.
But listen, if you have so many questions for Maddisyn,
why don't you interview her yourself?
- Oh, okay, you're talking about the interview
that you required me, and all media, to do,
in exchange for our press passes?
- Yes.
(dubstep music)
- Your father provided me
with some questions to ask you.
Maddisyn, it's an honor to meet such a talented young lady.
One who is the light of a certain father's eyes.
Oh my god, Jesus.
You're known as the queen of pimple-popping videos.
- Hey Zit Nation.
So, I've been getting so many requests lately
to pop a chin zit.
Now this one's really complicated,
so it's gonna be a two-parter.
- But now I hear you're branching into music?
- Oh yeah, it's important for me
to prove to all my haters that
a YouTube pimple popper like me can branch out into music.
- Wow. That's awesome.
- Thank you.
- He also gave me response cards.
So what other acts can we expect to see at Tween Fest?
- [Maddisyn] First, there's Lexii C, she's a venmo star.
Her venmo transactions always go viral.
- Lexii, your venmo changed my life.
- Thanks, that's so sweet, couldn't do it without you.
Well, not you specifically, but...
all my fans.
(fan laughs nervously)
- [Maddisyn] Then, there's Zayden Ostin Storm.
He makes all these super popular social experiment videos.
- Hey, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Did you know, in today's society,
over one hundred million homeless people
don't have access to dollars or money.
Excuse me.
I'm a big, stinky homeless man,
could you please give me some free money
so I can spend it on drugs and alcohol
because I am mentally ill.
- [Maddisyn] Then, there's Dusty Del Grosso.
He's the internet's premiere Family Guy impressionist.
- ♫ My name is Stewie, I love world domination,
♫ I wish Lois would take a permanent vacation.
♫ (beatboxing) Peter.
♫ (beatboxing) Family Guy.
- [Maddisyn] But that's just the beginning.
I mean there's thousands more--
- Well, our mandatory ten minute interview is over.
Thanks, Maddisyn, can't wait to watch
your live singing debut.
- Thank you.
- Daddy loves you very much.
Oh my god, this copy...
Okay.
(dubstep pounding)
[Voiceover] Tween Fest is about to begin.
First, give it up for Tween Fest Swag Squad.
- Who wants some free swag?
(audience cheers)
Alright, Swag Squad, load up.
Suck on my fucking t-shirt gun.
(gun pops) Ohhhh.
- [Todd] Hey honey, you psyched?
- Dad, hey, yeah.
Oh, I'm nervous, yeah.
- Really? Why?
Just because you've never performed in front of
any crowd-- - Right.
- much less one that's thousands of people deep,
and those people are fickle.
And they are really critical and...
totally unforgiving?
Also, because you have to follow the Swag Squad,
those guys are super charismatic,
and then you have to come on.
You just have to put aside all of your
really justified fears, and go out there
and show 'em what you're made of.
Or not.
Have a good time, honey.
- Okay.
- [Voiceover] Tween Fest begins
in three, two, ooooonnee.
(firework pops)
(microphone feedback)
- That was my cue. (laughs awkwardly)
Hey.
My name's Todd.
I'm the festival, uh, founder and...
coordinator.
(audience member yawns)
Okay, thought I'd get a little somethin' on that one,
but so be it.
Uh, tell you what, hey I know an idea.
Why don't we all do a chant?
I'll say "Tween"...
you say "Fest."
Ready? Here we go.
Tween!
- [Audience] Fest!
- Alright, that worked.
That was awesome.
Let me bring to the stage,
one of my favorite performers ever.
There's a reason.
She's my daughter.
Maddisyn Crawford!
- Yeeeaah. Woo.
Where my subscribers at?
Alright, everybody,
one, two, one, two, three, four.
♫ Saturday night and I'm with my friends
(audience booing)
- This sucks, and is bad.
- This isn't what we expected from you.
- Stick to your one thing.
- [Audience] Pop a pimple, pop a pimple.
- I don't, I don't do that anymore.
- Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
(voices drowning out) Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
- This one's for you, Zit Nation.
(audience screaming approval)
- [Man ] That was way better than the song, I thought.
- Wow, honey, they loved you...
Eventually.
- They hated my song.
I wish I'd never done this, Tween Fest sucks.
- Excuse me, what did you say?
- I said, Tween Fest sucks.
- [Voiceover] Hey Tween Fest, got a bad case of FOMO?
Follow the action backstage with the
Tween Fest FOMO VIP all-access app,
brought to you by Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready.
We've got cameras live-streaming backstage 24/7.
Here's a Hot-N-Ready taste.
- Tween Fest sucks.
- Tween Fest sucks?
- Hmm, yes, Tween Fest sucks.
- Oh, I see, I get it.
Your little song doesn't go just the way you like it
so suddenly, you hate our festival.
- No.
This is your festival.
You're really only doing this just to prove to yourself
that you're cooler than Mom's new boyfriend.
- Hold on, this has nothing to do with Craig.
I just wanted to spend more time with you
away from (yells) Craig.
- Too bad.
Because I'm spending the rest of the festival...
in my trailer.
- Oh, she quits again.
Little miss quitter.
You quit ice skating, you quit baton.
Well, I can't quit what you made me start,
which is a shitty little slapped together show
for a bunch of mouth-breathing,
knuckle-dragging 12-year-old idiots.
You guys are like animals.
You like the shittiest, crappiest entertainment
I've ever seen in my life.
You guys should all be put into a farm.
Just put into a big work farm until you're 16 years old
and then be sent to another farm.
(dramatic beat)
Uh, quick question.
You guys, uh, saw some of that on the, um,
FOMO VIP all-access app,
brought to you by Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready?
- Yes.
- Did you see, like, all of it?
- Yes.
- Alright.
Alright, this is the part where I win you back.
Our chant! Haha.
Where would we be without it?
Tween!
Remember I say "Tween," you say "Fest"?
Tween!
(microphone feedback)
If you did it, it wasn't loud enough.
Tween!
Come on, you guys, Tween!
(upbeat music)
Tween!
Tweeeeeen!
- [Woman In Audience] Get off the stage.
- Alright.
(dubstep music)