(bright orchestral music)
(crowd murmuring)
(camera shutter clicking)
- Can you hear me?
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen and people of the press.
My name is Ian Hecox
and I am president of the comedy channel Smosh.
It's recently coming to my attention
that a behavior of mine that I thought was normal
is in fact...
disgusting and completely unacceptable.
My hope today is that by highlighting
my inexcusable behavior, I can prevent many young men
from committing the same horrible acts that I have.
So with that said, it's time I came out and told you all
why I brought you here today.
Effective immediately,
I will be peeing sitting down.
(crowd gasps)
For my whole life, I have been peeing standing up.
I realize the damage I've done
and there's nothing I can do to take back
the countless toilet rims, walls, floors,
and decorative towels
that I've soiled with my own urination.
Here's an illustration that I made
to demonstrate the kind of damage that I do
on a daily basis with my pee.
The blue is my pee.
You see, I was raised in a time
where boys were supposed to do boy things.
And if you strayed from that norm, you were ridiculed.
A boy that would pee sitting down,
could risk his entire reputation
if his male friends found out.
"Ha-ha, you pee stupid." They would say.
Or look at Ian, he pees out of his butt.
Unfortunately, I embraced that toxic outlook
and let it push me into a corner
that defied logic and facts.
So from now on,
if I have to pee, I will do so sitting down.
(camera shutter clicking)
Yeah.
Up until recently,
I always assumed that the pee stains I saw outside my toilet
were the result of someone else,
a messier, reckless mystery urinator.
But when I started living on my own,
I looked at the pee stained wall next to my toilet
and asked myself,
who is the real reckless pee-er?
I quickly realized,
(intense music)
It was me.
(camera shutter clicking)
So then I had to ask myself,
is there a way that I could still pee like a man
standing up without splashing pee outside of the bowl?
I tried for years,
thinking that if I hit the side of the bowl,
it would avoid the splashing that occurs
when you pee straight into a pool of water.
But no matter my angle of approach,
that merely created a ricochet effect
that splashed pee on the toilet, on the walls and on myself,
the blue is my pee.
I also understand that America is divided on this issue.
A 2007 study showed that only 42% of married men
sit down to pee.
For the other 58% of married men,
the thought of sitting down on a toilet
without letting out a poop or at the very least, a wet fart,
would be an effeminate thing to do.
I'm hoping today we can change that
with science.
We've drawn a model to show the kind of damage
a standup pee-er can do in a household bathroom.
To make things fair, we've used a healthy male in his 30s,
peeing from a height of 64 centimeters
with a flow rate of 20 milliliters a second,
and a PSI of 0.015.
In other words, me.
The urine stream breaks into droplets 15 to 20 centimeters
after emerging from the urethra.
For a typical male and toilet,
the opening of the urethra is only 13 centimeters or less
above the surface of the water when sitting.
When standing, the urine breaks into droplets
45 to 49 centimeters above the water's surface.
The rapid procession of droplets
impacts the surface violently,
creating splash curtains, deep cavities and jets.
That's your pee on the wall.
That's your pee on the toilet rim, on the floor,
on your toilet paper, on your pants,
on your shoes, everything.
(camera shutter clicking)
And if you add in variables
such as bad aim,
being drunk,
a strong or erratic flow,
or morning wood,
the results can be...
devastating.
That blue is your pee.
The blue's your pee.
All right, well, I only have a few minutes for questions
because I do have to go pee.
- Ian, Ian, over here! - Ian, Ian!
- [Questioner 1] Mr. Hecox, you have fans who will say
this is a mockery of the bathroom
and think you should go (beeps) yourself.
- Is that a question?
- [Questioner 1] No, I'm just angry.
- Okay.
Uh, You?
- [Questioner 2] So what about public bathrooms
like airport toilets?
- Well, I think we can all agree
those are super nasty to sit on
and are exempt from this rule.
- [Questioner 3] So what you're saying
is men should use the toilet to pee and a urinal to poop?
- If that's what you're getting from this, sure.
- [Questioner 4] Ian, Ian, what would you say to someone
if they just saw this video and said, it's only clickbait?
- Well, I think that's just the cries of somebody
that doesn't see the importance
of not pissing on your own stuff.
- [Questioner 5] Do you really expect this press conference
to change the way men pee?
- No, not really, people be nasty,
so my expectations are low.
But...
if I could convince one person,
just one person to go into their bathroom
the next time they go to take a standing pee
and look at their toilet and ask themselves,
must this be the way?
Then, maybe there is hope for us all.
Thank you.
No more questions.
And be strong.
(crowd murmuring)
- Well, there you have it.
YouTuber Ian Hecox announces to the world
in an overly elaborate way
that he will be peeing sitting down like a little girl.
I for one will be peeing standing up
just to balance things out.
We are now getting word that we have a new announcement
from YouTube sensation, Damien Haas,
where we will go live right now.
(camera shutter clicking)
- Hello, my name is Damien Haas
and I'm taking this opportunity to announce
I don't really like dogs.
(crowd booing)
People like me exist, all right?
Just lean into it
because we're here and you got to deal with it.
And also, I mean, they're fine,
but I just don't like them as much as cats.
And there's a war going on
between the two and you have to pick a side.
I'm also announcing right now
that I'm currently writing a musical about cats
but it's a different one, it's gonna be way different.
It's a new one I made up.
And I will be singing it for you now,
it's about the cat and dog war.
♪ Why must we fight ♪
♪ Why must we battle ♪
♪ When both of us are mammals ♪
♪ Both of us are mammals ♪
♪ Why must we fight ♪
♪ Why must be battle ♪
♪ When both of us have buttholes ♪
♪ Both of us have buttholes ♪
♪ All we do all day is sleep and eat ♪
♪ All we do all day is lick our owner's feet ♪
♪ 'Cause we're cats and dogs ♪
♪ It's raining us ♪
♪ Now let's all get on the Cat Bus ♪
♪ From Totoro. ♪
♪ Totoro ♪
♪ It's Totoro ♪
♪ It's My Neighbor Totoro ♪
♪ Totoro ♪
C'mon you know this.
♪ Totoro ♪
♪ Sing your part, you'll be alto ♪
♪ You're here ♪
♪ You are here ♪
♪ And you're singing like that ♪
♪ We are cats and we're dogs ♪
♪ We're cat and we're dogs ♪
♪ We both are animals ♪
♪ Both are animals ♪
♪ Cat and we're dogs ♪
♪ We're cats and we're dogs ♪
♪ We both our animals ♪
♪ Both our animals ♪
♪ We don't like 'em ♪