>> Stphen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW ABOUT IT FOR THE GREATEST
BAND ON TELEVISION, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEFORE THE BREAK, WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT HOW TO KEEP THANKSGIVING
DINNER CALM THIS YEAR.
ONE SUREFIRE WAY TO QUIET YOUR FAMILY IS TO GIVE THEM ALL
SALMONELLA BY SERVING RAW TURKEY.
ANOTHER WAY TO PREVENT THAT IS TO CALL THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY
TALKLINE, WHICH IS NOT, I WAS DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN, A HOTLINE
WHERE YOU CAN TALK TO A TURKEY.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
WHAT IS THIS THING UP HERE?
YESTERDAY, I SHOWED YOU PART ONE OF MY DRAMATIC JOURNEY ANSWERING
CALLS IN AMERICA'S HEARTLAND WITH THE GOOD FOLKING AT
BUTTERBALL.
THEY SAY IF YOU CAN HELP JUST ONE PERSON, THAT'S MORE THAN I
DID.
LAST WEEKEND I FLEW OUT TO NAPIERVILLE, ILLINOIS, THE
HEADQUARTERING OF THE BUTTERBALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT SOME TURKEYS HERE.
THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, AND I SAT IN WITH ALL THE GOOD
CORN-FED INFORMATION OF BUTTERBALL, AND TONIGHT, WE WANT
TO GIVE YOU THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF ME TALKING
TURKING.
JIM.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> "THE LATE SHOW"" PRESENTS
STEPHEN COLBERT'S TURKEY TIPS.
>> I VISITED THE BUTTERBALL CALL CENTER IN NAPIERVILLE, ILLINOIS,
TO TALK TURKEY.
HELLO, THIS IS ALAN, CAN I HELP YOU?
>> I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT STUFFING.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION ABOUT STUFFING?
>> CAN I MAKE IT WEDNESDAY MORNING AND THEN TAKE IT TO MY
DAUGHTER'S ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT AND REFRIGERATE IT.
>> Stephen: HOW FAR AWAY DOES SHE LIVE?
>> BETWEEN NILES AND PARK RIDGE.
WHERE ARE YOU LOCATED?
>> Stephen: WHERE AM I LOCATED?
RIGHT NOW, I'M IN A FEDERAL MAX PRISON RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE USING INMATES TO ANSWER
THE PHONE CALLS RIGHT NOW.
>> TRULY, DID YOU DO SOMETHING AWFUL?
>> Stephen: WELL, I MEAN, YOU DON'T GET ON DEATH ROW FOR
PARKING TICKETS.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW-- >> I HAVE ANOTHER CALL COMING
IN.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF CALLS COMING IN.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BYE.
YOU'LL KNOW IT'S DONE WHEN THE FIRE ALARM GOES OFF.
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE TURKEY TALK LINE.
ONLY THE PLUMPEST, FATTEST THIGHS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT
WHITE OR WHETHER YOU LIKE IT DARK, IT'S TIME TO GO DOWN.
HI, THIS IS PHIL.
CAN I HELP YOU?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YES, I HAVE A QUESTION, PLEASE.
EACH YEAR, I FOLLOW THE TURKEY STARTING ON SUNDAY, AND
WEDNESDAY I TAKE IT OUT, AND WE GET THE GIBLETS OUT TO COOK.
NOW WE FUT BACK INTO THE REFRIGERATOR UNTIL THURSDAY
MORNING.
AND I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH, LIKE, A FREEZER BURN.
SLIGHT FREEZER BURN BECAUSE IT'S THAWED, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: OKAY, DO YOU HAVE A GARAGE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FUT IN THE GARAGE.
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
I'M CHECKING MY WEATHER MAP.
WHERE ARE YOU DPRAWLG ME?
>> ALREADY.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT IT IN THE GARAGE IN FLORIDA.
>> ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING MY QUESTION, SIR?
I'M NOT SURE WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE?
>> Stephen: THE THING TO KEEP IN MIND IS HOWEVER YOU COOK THE
BIRD AND HOWEVER YOU THAW THE BIRD, REMEMBER, THIS IS YOUR
JOURNEY AND NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO YOU COOK LIKE NOBODY'S GOING TO EAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TURKEY TALK LINE.
THIS IS BOBBY G., HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
GOBBLE, GOBBLE (
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: I ONLY HAVE ONE ANSWER IS THE PROBLEM, SO YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO PRIORITIZE.
>> I HAVE ALWAYS MADE A BUTTERBALL WHOLE TURKEY, BUT
SINCE THIS YEAR, A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE THE WHITE MEAT, SO I'M
GOING TO BE MAKING THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY BREAST.
>> Stephen: WHY-- SO A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE THE WHITE MEAT.
PEOPLE AREN'T RESPONDING TO THE DARK MEAT THIS YEAR?
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHY IS THIS YEAR DIFFERENT THAN OTHER YEARS?
>> BECAUSE THERE ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE COMING TO DINNER.
>> RIGHT.
THE QUESTION I HAVE IS TWO QUESTIONS.
I NOTICE WHEN I GO TO THE STORE, THE MAXIMUM I CAN FIND IS SIX
POUNDS.
IS THERE BIGGER TURKEY BREASTS THAN SIX POUNDS.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY, WHAT'S THE STORE GUTO?
>> I USUALLY GO TO JEWEL.
VIA -- >> OH, YEAH WE HAVE A BLACKOUT
IN JEWEL ON ANYTHING ABOVE SIX POUNDS.
IT'S A CONTRACT DISPUTE.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S
ABOUT.
IT'S A FAMILY THING.
THE OWNER OF JEWEL BROKE UP WITH THE DAUGHTER OF BUTTERBALL AND
THERE'S A FAMILY FIGHT GOING ON.
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'M WITH THE JEWEL GUY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE AREN'T SENDING BREASTS BIGGER THAN SIX
POUNDS.
HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?
>> IT'S GOING TO BE FOUR PEOPLE BUT I LIKE TO GIVE THEM
LEFTOVERS.
>> Stephen: WE CAN GIVE YOU A 22-POUND BREAST.
DO YOU HAVE A CVS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THEY KEEP THE MEAT BEHIND THE PHARMACEUTICAL
COUNTER.
JUST SAY, "I WANT AN INJECTION OF HOT, WHITE MEAT."
AND THEY'LL GET YOU THE TURKEY BREAST.
>> IS THERE ANY PLACE BESIDES THIS ONE, SIR?
>> Stephen: LET ME SEE.
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CVS?
>> I DON'T EVEN I HAVE ONE IN THE AREA.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FOOD LION OR PIGGLY WIGGLY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: OR A FAIRWAY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHOLE FOODS?
>> WE MIGHT HAVE A WHOLE FOODS.
>> Stephen: YOU MIGHT HAVE A WHOLE FOODS.
YEAH, THEY DON'T HAVE IT.
DO YOU HAVE A PIZZA HUT?
>> YES, I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: PIZZA HUT IS ALSO GOING TO BE SELLING SOME OF OUR
BUTTERBALL TURKEYS THIS YEAR.
>> IS THERE ANY OTHER PLACE -- >> SO PIZZA HUT ALSO DOESN'T
WORK FOR YOU.
TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE.
>> I HAVE A WALMART SUPER CENTER.
>> Stephen: WALMART, OH, THEY HAVE WALMART, YEAH.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT.
THEY HAVE A WALMART.
>> BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THEY HAVE THE BREAST, OKAY?
>> Stephen: OKAY NOT.
WE DON'T SELL THEM THE BREAST.
THEY ARE DARK MEAT, A LOT OF DARK MEAT.
>> SO, SIR, I'M LOOKING FOR A FROZEN TURKEY BREAST, OKAY --
>> WHY NOT SOME DARK MEAT.
>> THEY DON'T WANT IT.
>> Stephen: GET SOME NEW FRIENDS.
>> CAN I TALK TO SOMEBODY ELSE?
YOU'RE GIVING ME A HARD TIME, SIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LOOK, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.
DON'T TELL THEM IT WAS ME.
DON'T SAY MY NAME.
DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
DID I TELL YOU MY NAME?
>> NO, YOU DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: MY NAME IS JIMMY FALLON.
F-A-L-- >> GIVE ME A MANAGER.
I WANT TO TO ANOTHER REPRESENTATIVE.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY, SORRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY AT BUTTERBALL!
YOU'RE THE BEST!