Who doesn’t love a good story about a criminal mastermind pulling one over on law enforcement
and sticking it to the man?
Well, for every one story of a brilliant criminal getting away with their audacious crimes,
there are countless other stories of truly dumb criminals failing spectacularly at their
attempts.
A homeowner in Johannesburg, South Africa returned home to find their house ransacked
and their valuables missing.
They immediately called the police to report the burglary and an officer arrived shortly
after to take the homeowner’s statement.
The officer settled in on the sofa, and the homeowner took a seat directly opposite the
officer to begin recounting how they discovered that they had been robbed.
Just as the homeowner started to give their statement, they noticed something was out
of place.
There, under the very sofa on which the police officer was sitting, was a strange man, clearly
trying - and failing - to be invisible.
He was laying flat on his stomach, half under and half behind the sofa, with his head right
behind the police officer’s legs.
It turns out that the homeowner had arrived home before the burglar had had a chance to
flee, and he had been hiding under their sofa as the homeowner called the police and waited
for them to arrive!
He was immediately arrested, the homeowner’s valuables were returned intact, and the police
had a rare open and shut burglary case in the bag.
If you thought hiding under the couch was a dumb move, wait until you hear about the
Goldilocks Burglar.
In 2014, Martin Holtby and Pat Dyson, a retired couple from Lancashire, England, returned
home from a holiday to the surprise of a lifetime.
The first sign that something was amiss was the fact that their mail was not sitting on
the welcome mat, and their house was clean - suspiciously clean.
Pat clearly remembered that the house had been in a state of disarray when they rushed
out the door to catch their flights - the sink had been full of dishes and their kitchen
was a mess.
And yet, when they arrived back home, they found a tidy kitchen and clean laundry in
the dryer.
Had someone cleaned up for them as a ‘welcome home’ surprise?
Not exactly…
The couple made their way upstairs to their bedroom and there, fast asleep in their bed,
was a strange man.
They quietly snuck out of the house and called the police, who arrived quickly and arrested
28 year old Lukasz Chojnowski.
He had been living in their house for days, cooking himself meals and washing his dirty
underwear - he had even bought groceries and cleaned up the mess left behind by the couple.
The couple would later learn that their window cleaner had seen the burglar in their home,
but assumed he was their grandson, since he had appeared to be quite at home in their
place.
The burglar admitted to his crimes, and was given a 2 year conditional discharge and a
200 pound fine.
None of the couple’s valuables were missing, though Ms. Dyson did note that the burglar
had burned an old saucepan, but, she said, “that happens”.
The Goldilocks Burglar may not have been the brightest of criminal minds, but at least
he was courteous!
The same can’t be said for these dumb criminals.
In the summer of 2012, 2 drunken Welsh tourists made quite the splash at Australia’s SeaWorld.
21 year old Rhys Owen Jones and 20 year old Keri Mules decided to take their vacation
on Queensland’s Gold Coast to another level.
After indulging in quite a few drinks, they decided to break into the SeaWorld park for
some after hours fun, and left a trail of destruction in their wake.
The pair vandalized the park, jumped into the water and swam with the dolphins, and
set off a fire extinguisher in the shark enclosure.
After having their fun, the couple decided to take home a souvenir - a real live penguin
named Dirk.
When they woke up in their hotel room, hungover and confused, the pair tried their incompentant
best to care for Dirk, putting him in the shower and feeding him scraps of food.
After their hangovers subsided, Rhys and Keri realized how stupid they had been to take
the penguin, so they thought that the best course of action was to release him into a
nearby canal, where they were spotted by locals as they were wrangling the poor penguin out
of their vehicle.
The police arrived and they were each fined 1,000 Australian dollars and sent home in
disgrace.
Thankfully, Dirk was rescued and returned to SeaWorld unharmed.
It’s never fun to hear about crimes against animals, but this next dumb criminal should
make you feel a bit better.
This thief got more than he bargained for when a simple robbery went horribly wrong.
The amateur thief had noticed a parked car with the back windows rolled down, and decided
it was too tempting to pass up the opportunity for an easy score.
He stealthily walked towards the car, and as he passed by, he quickly reached through
the back window and snatched a heavy tote bag from the back seat.
Little did the thief know that the car belonged to Brad McDonald, a professional snake wrangler,
and that the windows had been down because Brad had left his latest catch in the car
while he ran some errands.
The dumb criminal hadn’t found an easy score - he’d grabbed a bag full of highly venomous
snakes that Brad had just captured from an underground car park in Sydney.
That’s what you get for being greedy!
If that’s not enough of a reminder to be careful who you rob, then this next story
might just hit the point home.
Just before Christmas in 2004, Jason Shinkarik’s Winnipeg home was robbed.
The thieves stole everything from clothing, jewelry and watches to cologne and electronics.
They also stole every drop of liquor in the house, and even took Christmas presents from
under the tree.
To add insult to injury, the thieves even stole Jason’s duffle bags to carry away
their haul.
Jason was devastated, but the small business owner knew he had to carry on with his life,
so the next day he went to work at his shop - Pawn Derosa Trading.
That very same day, 3 men in their 20s appeared at the shop looking to pawn a variety of valuable
items.
When the men placed the bags full of goods on the counter, Jason was shocked to recognize
his very own duffle bags!
He confronted the men, who ran away, but when the police caught up with them days later
- thanks in large part to Jason’s helpful and detailed descriptions - they were charged
with breaking into Jason’s home, as well as 3 other homes in the neighborhood, and
sentenced to 3 months in jail.
Christmas is supposed to be a time for giving, but some dumb criminals just can’t get it
right.
This one might just be even dumber than Jason’s robbers.
After a 20 year old college student in Washington was booked for underage drinking, he spent
a lonely night in a local police cell before being released the next morning.
After his release from the drunk tank, he was caught on camera attempting to steal gifts
from under the Christmas tree in the police department’s lobby on his way out.
After he realized that one box was empty, one held a box of tissues, and another was
a box of tampons, the would-be thief fled, leaving the gifts and wrapping scattered in
the station parking lot.
Getting caught on camera is definitely one way to get spotted, but the way this dumb
criminal got caught will really shock you.
Milton J. Hodges attempted to rob a Lowes hardware store in Orlando, Florida, but was
chased out of the store by staff.
The failed thief bolted through the parking lot, ran across a busy street and jumped a
fence to escape capture, but he wasn’t in the clear yet.
He had landed smack dab in the middle of the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort and Spa, and as
one of the only people wearing clothing, needless to say he was easily spotted by police and
arrested.
You almost have to feel bad for criminals with dumb luck, but when a criminal obviously
thinks they are smarter than the police, like this next dumb criminal, then they deserve
what they get.
Calgary police arrived at the home of a woman who claimed she had been robbed.
She was hysterical as she showed the officers the smashed window where the supposed thief
had entered, and she tearfully gave her statement to the police, describing the jewelry and
electronics that she claimed had been stolen.
Just as she was getting really worked up, her phone rang.
It was her French-speaking father, and officers listened as the woman calmly spoke to her
father in French.
What she hadn’t realized was that one of the officers, Charanjit Meharu, spoke 6 different
languages, including French, and that he could understand every word of her conversation,
meaning he clearly heard her admit to her father that her entire story was a lie, and
it was all a scam to get money from her insurance company with a fraudulent claim.
Needless to say, some “stolen” (n: sarcasm) goods were the least of her legal troubles.
Lying to the police is dumb enough, but some dumb criminals just have to take it a step
further.
25 year old Valiery Portlock thought he had come up with a foolproof plan for finding
new victims to rob.
He had equipped his car with lights and an air horn and would pretend to be a police
officer to target his victims.
His “genius” (n: sarcasm) plan fell apart when he used his fraudulent police car to
pull over a van in Long Island, New York.
When Valiery approached the van, the occupants identified themselves - they were all members
of the Nassau County Police Department’s electronics squad.
Realizing he was in deep trouble, Valiery fled the scene, only to be arrested a short
time later by local highway patrol officers who had been tipped off by their colleagues.
He was charged with criminal impersonation, reckless endangerment and fleeing the police.
Clearly pretending to be one of them is not something the police take lightly.
It may not be quite as bad as impersonating a police officer, but this dumb criminal got
what he deserved for pretending to be someone he wasn’t.
When an Iowa City man realized that his driver’s license had been stolen, he was understandably
frustrated.
After dealing with the inconvenience of replacing it, he went on with his life and thought nothing
more of it.
That is, until a few months later, when a man showed up at the bar where he worked as
a bouncer, and presented him with his own ID to attempt to get in!
It was an incredible coincidence, and a rare instance of someone getting their stolen license
back.
Using a fake ID is pretty stupid, but sometimes being honest is just as dumb.
In Santa Rosa County, Florida, state troopers pulled over a vehicle for speeding.
The car had been travelling more than 25 miles per hour over the speed limit.
When officers searched the vehicle, they found a large amount of narcotics, including meth,
cocaine, fentanyl and MDMA.
What had prompted them to search the car in the first place?
The fact that the criminals had stored their drugs out in the open in bags labelled “Bag
Full of Drugs”.
The occupants were arrested on drug charges and the police department made a tongue in
cheek Facebook post about the drug bust, saying: “Note to self - do not traffic your illegal
narcotics in bags labeled ‘Bag Full Of Drugs’.
Our K-9s can read.”
This wasn’t the first time police had taken to social media with snarky comments.
The Winfield, Missouri police department took to social media to warn the public about a
potential new scam in which tricky drug dealers would rip off their customers by selling them
smaller quantities than what they had paid for.
These dealers would apparently place the drugs on their cellphones claiming they had a cool
new scale app, when they were really just typing numbers into the calculator to dupe
their customers.
The police graciously invited the gullible purchasers of illegal narcotics to bring their
drugs into the police station to be properly weighed.
Anyone who falls for that one definitely deserves to get caught!
These stories are definitely a good reminder that crime doesn’t pay, although these dumb
criminals clearly didn’t get the message.
At least their stories of harebrained schemes and poorly executed crimes make for a good
laugh!
If you thought these dumb criminals were entertaining, you’ll definitely like this video called
“Dumbest Ways to Die”, or you might like this other video, instead.