(upbeat music begins)
- Bennifer is back on!
Well, Bennifer 3.0.
So, Ben Affleck's been with Jennifer Lopez
and Jennifer Garner,
and well, I think Jennifer Garner, then Jennifer Lopez,
then Jennifer Garner again, then Jennifer Lopez again,
but Bennifer for 3.0, 4.0, I lose track, but we're back on.
And everyone's excited about this,
or a lot of people excited about this.
Matt Damon's very happy for his friend to be back with J-Lo.
And what I wanna talk about today
is should you get back together with your ex?
How do you know if that's a good idea or not?
Because it's been 15, 20 years since Ben Affleck
and J-Lo were together, and now they're back on,
and you know what, I'm happy for them.
Like, honestly, if they're happy,
and if they're a good couple, and they're a good match,
and they're in a mature place to make this work,
good on 'em, good for them.
And as I said, a lot of people are thrilled.
Some people are skeptical.
And there's always gonna be naysayers.
There's always gonna be haters,
but is the skepticism founded?
Now I'm not really gonna comment on this particular story,
'cause I don't know a lot of the details,
I know a little bit,
but I don't really follow celebrity gossip that much.
But it does beg the question,
should you get back together with your ex?
How do you know?
On the one hand,
when you've already been with somebody,
it's really easy to slide back into that.
There's a lot of comfort there.
There's a shared history, there's a shared physicality,
things don't progress in grades
like they might otherwise.
Things can go really fast,
because that shared history to go from zero to 50 again,
right back to where you were.
And sometimes the hope that things could be better,
and remembering the good times,
while the bad times kind of fade away,
leads people to jump right in.
So this can be a very dangerous thing.
I mean, literally dangerous if the person was abusive,
or narcissistic, or what have you,
but also just dangerous emotionally.
Even if it's not an abusive, terrible relationship,
but it's just an unhealthy relationship,
or it wasn't a good relationship for you,
it can be a dangerous thing emotionally,
just to slide right back into that.
I've heard it said we need to decide, not slide,
actually go in with both eyes wide open
when we're entering into a relationship.
And the good news when you dated somebody before
is you know what the red flags are,
like those, there's not the things
that are gonna take you by surprise,
because you know what the problems were last time,
you know why you broke up.
Right, you know what the issues were.
And you can go in with eyes wide open,
and say are these still an issue?
Because the fact is, people mature, and they grow.
And for example, Bennifer might not have been a great fit
15, 20 years ago.
It might not have been a great relationship back then,
or it might've been fine, but it wasn't gonna last.
And now 15, 20 years later, people grow,
they mature, they learn.
Ben Affleck certainly been very public and open
about his struggles with alcoholism, with depression,
the things that led to his divorce from Jennifer Garner,
the things that he's learned and grown from.
He may be a much better man,
but also a much better partner today,
because of the things that he's learned.
So the question,
when you're thinking about getting back together with an ex,
is are you both in a healthier, more mature place,
or is this just gonna be repeated history?
'Cause the relationship didn't work last time,
because those two people weren't a good fit for each other,
or weren't ready for each other.
Have you grown into a place
of being a good fit for each other?
And what that looks like is have I owned my mistakes?
And not just owned them, but taken steps to educate myself,
and to change the behaviors.
Maybe the relationship didn't work,
'cause one of you wasn't ready.
Am I ready now?
Am I in a place now where I truly want this?
Because what you don't want is to step into the relationship
with the same person, and they haven't changed or evolved,
or the major issues are still there.
Unless the problem last time wasn't them, it was you, right?
Unless last time, they were great,
and they were a great partner,
but you weren't ready, or you weren't mature,
or you didn't have the skills
to sustain a healthy relationship, and now you do.
I recommend anybody
who's wanting to understand what healthy,
happy relationships look like
to read Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by Dr. John Gottman.
I'd recommend them reading
How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk
by Dr. John Van Epp.
And candidly, if you'd like the extra support,
we have courses on healthy, happy relationships,
and what they look like,
on conflict resolution, communication, on personalities,
how to speak one another's love language,
how to create shared goals, and shared meaning,
and be on the same page as far as your values,
how to keep small things from becoming big things.
We have online courses in these subjects
that our therapists and our team can guide you through.
And so if you're interested,
book a 15 minute consultation with me,
and we'll figure out if it's a good fit for you,
and who to pair you with.
Absolutely, if you're thinking of getting
back in with your ex, you know those red flags,
just like you can rush into a relationship,
or just like all of that can happen really fast,
the physical, and the commitment, and the closeness.
You also have a shortcut to what are the trouble spots,
and how do we work past these?
If you enjoy what we're doing here at Mended Light,
I recommend you check out our latest video,
which has to do with Simone Biles,
the Olympics, and mental health.
You can check that out, link is below.
Also that you like, subscribe, and click the bell,
so that you get notifications of all our latest videos.
I want to hear from you in the comments.
Have you ever gotten back with an ex,
and was it a good experience, or not,
and what made it a good experience, or not?
Or if you have any questions on this subject.
Once again, I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist,
and co-founder of Mended Light.
This is Therapist Reacts, and we'll see you next time.
(upbeat music continues)